Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To expect DCs to come with us to friends sometimes?

44 replies

Oneeyedbloke · 14/09/2014 15:13

Just been to a little get-together at an old friend's house, she invited a few families we all know, specifically so that the children - all teenagers and 20somethings - could meet up. No big deal, and the purpose of the event certainly wasn't advertised as such. But our 3 boys all refused to go, citing their embarrassment at going to our friends' houses with us. Apparently, we don't treat them as grown-ups in front of other people. They're 21, 19 & 13.

So we went alone - our friends live about 10 doors away ffs! - and spent, admittedly, an enjoyable evening with the nice children of various of our friends, who are all turning out to be very sociable, chatty, capable young people. And I just wanted my DSs, who are just as chatty & witty & capable when they want to be, to be there. Believe me, DW & I are not into showing our kids off like trophies, we totally get being embarrassed by your parents, having suffered in our youth.

Which is why, when accused of embarrassing them, my response is, we SO don't. I have, once or twice, accidentally called DS1 'baby' in front of friends (mine not his), they just laughed it off, and he seemed to do the same. You know: Dad! But not a big deal. I apologised, didn't think anything more of it. But now it's brought up as evidence of how we're generally embarrassing. And I just think it's an excuse, for not wanting to get off their lazy arses and come and make the effort to talk to some people, who they actually have known for years, even if they're not best friends.

And today, we're invited to another friend's for their DD's birthday, very relaxed 'do', she's 14 and doesn't want a big fuss, but elder DSs are once again adamant they're not going anywhere with their embarrassing parents. DS3 (13) is coming, somewhat reluctantly.

This is, I know, the first-world problem of all first-world problems but it is pissing me off so much. We have not, I assure you, tried to 'show them off' on such occasions previously, we basically ignore 'em! Precisely because we know they want us to. Is it really too much to ask?

OP posts:

Azquilith · 14/09/2014 15:16

One of the best things about becoming an older teenager is that I no longer had to be dragged along to social occasions with my parents friends. Your eldest two are certainly old enough to not have to come. Your younger one is not, so drag him.

Littlefish · 14/09/2014 15:17

At 21 and 19, your older two are adults and should absolutely be left to make their own decisions.

Can you really not see how incredibly dull they would probably find it to be out with their parents at a 14 year olds birthday party?

I think you are being totally unrealistic in your expectations of them.

littlewhitebag · 14/09/2014 15:19

I would expect a 19 yo and 21 yo to make their own mind up about going anywhere like that with you. They are adults.

The 13 yo i would probably try and cajole into going places with you but teens can be very stubborn and what seems like a fun evening to you might seem like hours of tedium to him.

DiaDuit · 14/09/2014 15:19

I think it's weird that any parents would arrange a get together for their teen/twenty something children! That's like a play date! No wonder they didnt want to go.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 14/09/2014 15:20

At 21 and 19 yes I think it is a bit much to expect them to want to be dragged around to mum and dad's friend's houses. You don't seem to see them as adults which they are. Leave them to enjoy their weekends!

GiveMeCheesecake · 14/09/2014 15:21

I think YABU.

Of course your 19 and 21 year old D"C" don't want to come. They're adults! Why on earth would they want to attend a 14 year old's birthday party?

I had a full-job and had left home at 19. You couldn't have paid me to attend a child's party.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 14/09/2014 15:21

Actually I'm very you think a 21 year old would want to go to a birthday do for a 14 year old

anothermakesthree · 14/09/2014 15:25

Sorry, have to agree. Older ones are not children any longer. They are adults who have a right to their own decisions.

WooWooOwl · 14/09/2014 15:25

Your older ds's are adults, they will have their own friends, they have no reason to want to come and socialise with your friends or their children.

Do you automatically want to go and socialise with your sons fiends and their parents just because you vaguely know them?

Fabulous46 · 14/09/2014 15:27

The older three aren't children though, they're young adults. I can't think anything my grown up kids would hate more than to visit old friends with us. I think YABVU, need to cut those apron strings and let them live their own lives.

pilates · 14/09/2014 15:28

YABU for the two older ones but drag the younger one with you.

ilovesooty · 14/09/2014 15:50

I can totally see why the older two don't want to go and I don't think you should expect it.

You can of course continue to insist the youngest socialises on your terms - if you think that is a battle worth fighting.

clam · 14/09/2014 16:02

YANBU to be disappointed, but I think you're just going to have to continue sucking it up. It's a shame though, it's something we do fairly often (last night, in fact) and they enjoy it. They do check up in advance who's likely to be there, though.

Anotheronebitthedust · 14/09/2014 16:12

Agree with everyone else - at least two of your sons are ADULTS, and weekends are precious if you are working/in uni full time, why would your sons want to spend them with your friends and their children, people they may literally have nothing in common with?

As someone said above, if your 21 year old was going out with friends and wanted you to come along, on the sole basis that his friends parents were a similar age to you, would you? Or would you say, sorry DS, I'd rather spend time with my friends, who I know well and have something in common with.

Also expecting a non-related 21 yr old man to go to a 14 yr old girl's birthday is very strange, and I'm not surprised he would be embarrassed to go. He's probably worried he'll look like a bit of a creep!

offtoseethewizard64 · 14/09/2014 16:27

In the case of the get together, if your DCs had grown up attending events with the DCs of the other families and the event had been billed as a get together for the DCs as well, then I would have tried to encourage the older DCs to attend - as long as they got on with the other DCs present. However, as the purpose of the gathering wasn't made clear then I can't blame them for not going.

In the case of the 14yo birthday gathering, I would definitely have allowed the older 2 to be excused.

Our DS is 17 and will still come to some gatherings with us usually if he thinks there will be alcohol involved and we have friends whose DCs actually choose to come to our house with their parents over Christmas and New Year rather than go into town with the crowds probably because the booze is free here and they get fed

magpiegin · 14/09/2014 16:31

Agree with the others, the older 2 are adults-why would they warn to go? You can persuade the youngest to go too, but I would say aged 15/16 is when he could rightly say no.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 14/09/2014 16:33

One of the stupidest annoying things my mum and sd did was introduce me to a girl they expected me to become friends with after each move to a new place (there was a lot of moves)

Their choice of friend for me was absolutely not my choice. I have never kept in touch with any of them!

You kids are all old enough to make their own friends if they choose to not go then just shrug it off and have a good night yourself

JADS · 14/09/2014 21:07

Just be thankful you have raised 3 independent sons who will live their own lives. The 2 eldest are adults and at their age, going to a 14 year olds birthday party would have been. My mum tried for years to force me to be bffs with her bffs Dd. She was Ok, but I had my own mates. She was a real stay at home family type who married really young, while I went off to university.

Honestly your son's sound great. Be proud they have their own lives

Original poster

Oneeyedbloke · 15/09/2014 03:18

Oh well, that's me told then! I think what gets to me is that the older two hardly get off their arses to do anything. Even when friends ask them over they'll more often than not make excuses not to go, I try not to get involved but have said once or twice that friendships need watering, I wouldn't be at all surprised if their mates stopped bothering with them, they don't put enough in. Too comfortable at home in front of computers. And I worry that DS3 will follow their example & be a stay-at-home teenager/young man too.

I suppose if I'm honest I AM comparing them with friends' children & I shouldn't. But there I was the other evening chatting away with an old friend's DD, she didn't seem to mind spending half an hour with a sad old man, and I kept thinking, my lot are sat about 100 yards away in front of their ruddy computers, it's not as if they have no social skills or nothing interesting to talk about. Maybe they think they don't?

As it turned out, DS1 & DS3 both came to the 14yo's birthday thing, this is a family we've known for ages, a few years ago they'd all muck in together, watch a movie, play computer games. And there were the usual bunch of people there, with DCs roughly the same age, and guess what, they didn't have a terrible time, they got fed & watered, people asked them what they were up to & they chatted a bit about what they're doing at uni/school, I know it wasn't their favourite thing to do but it was just a normal piece of life, you know?

I hate this whole generation gap/intolerance thing, we may be 40/50somethings but we're not aliens.

OP posts:

Original poster

Oneeyedbloke · 15/09/2014 03:35

But thanks all, nose slightly out of joint but that's why I like MN, you tell it like it is.

OP posts:

Delphiniumsblue · 15/09/2014 07:23

I think your DCs must be grateful for the wisdom of MN!

Marylou62 · 15/09/2014 08:34

I do feel for you OP. My DCs are similar ages, 24, 21,17 and I actually like to 'show them off' sometimes. Have you sat down with them and actually had a talk about all this? A family that I nannied for were visiting England and we were meeting up...I really wanted them to see my DCs...and for them to meet old family...they all said no...but I talked to them...said how much I would really love them to come (they know them as we kept in touch over the years and have gone out of their way to meet with me/us). In the end they all agreed to come and we had a brilliant day...It is usual for grown kids not to want to do things like this but I am sure if you had a chat and explained?.....

fellowes · 15/09/2014 09:16

agree with scrambled you cannot choose their friends , i think most dc stop going to events with parents when they reach teens , mine only want to know me if they need money or a lift other than that i dont really see them .

lem73 · 15/09/2014 09:34

No you're not. We would go to our parents' friends when we were kids as did my dh. My dcs are much younger but I would expect them to come to things we are invited to as a family when they are older. Kids should know they need to do things for their parents' sake. Their parents aren't just there to run after them.

WiseGuysHighRise · 15/09/2014 10:02

Agree with others 21yo and 19 yo defintiely too old to go to a non-family member's 14th birthday party!

Also, from my own experience, I HATED going anywhere with my parents. My dad would usually have too much to drink and generally make me/others uncomfortable. I loved it when I was in my mid-teens and wasn't expected to go. You don't sound like you behave like my dad did, but just thought I'd mention it in case...

Flip

1 2