About dcs staying at stbxh

[LittleMissGiggles7]

First Aibu so please be gentle.

(D?)H left me and 3dc is May, no-one else involved just didn't love me anymore.

He has always been terrible with money and I have looked after family finances. He moved into a rented house a few miles away and has 3dc every other weekend.
He earns triple what I earn and he pays me money each week the amount on the CSA website but no extra. i.e I had to find over £300 for school uniforms and I've just paid £125 for dc1 birthday party.

He now has decided he can't afford the rent and bills for the house he is in on his own and is moving into a shared house. He will be living in house with 2 strangers and will get blow up beds on his bedroom floor for dcs to sleep on when they stay every other weekend.
I am not happy about this, I don't think 2 strangers should be staying in a house with the children. He can't put a lock on the door in case they need the toilet at night. We don't know anything about these people (they could be lovely) but with all the upheaval of our split I don't want dcs staying in a house where people could be drinking, smoking, bringing girls back etc until he knows them better. My mil has told my exh that he can stay with the dcs at her house on the weekend he has them. I am more than happy with this but exh is not happy as he doesn't get along with his mum and doesn't want to spend the weekend at her house.

Aibu

I insisted my exh had DD's at his parents in an almost identical scenario (they were 18 months and 3).
I felt he wouldn't be there long, and children have few boundaries / not a childsafe property etc.
His mum swayed it by pointing out if they were there then he'd be risking his lease if others complained (and then he'd move in with her ) . I was so relieved. Later that year he sorted himself out more financially and has a nice flat now with a spare room.
Don't make it about the money (that'll go off the subject).

It is a difficult situation OP.

I would be reluctant to stop overnight visits completely especially if the DC's enjoy them. However I would put them on hold for a while until your ex has had time to get to know his new housemates. For all he knows they may be intolerant of children or they maybe absolutely lovely.

I can't see any harm coming to them as they would not be left alone with the housemates but I understand why you feel uneasy.

You cut your cloth accordingly.

£125 for a birthday party is not a necessity. It is something you chose to do.

You also don't get to veto when he can and cannot see his children because you dont like his arrangements. He is capable of assessing the situation and deciding whether it is suitable for his children.

Yanbu.

God only knows what the housemates could be like. How old are they? Students? You're completely right that they could be drinking, smoking, taking drugs, fucking having gang bangs for all you know. IMO a shared house, especially with new housemates so not with friends you've known for years, is NOT a place for children. They're not CRB'd, whilst it's highly unlikely they're psychopaths or paedophiles there's always that risk...

Agreed on mil's house being most appropriate. Will the housemates even be happy about two children coming on a weekend? Could disturb them in some way, possibly break something in the flat because it's not going to be childproofed! Just no, it's not acceptable. I'd say it's mil's house or nothing tbh.

It's a pretty crappy set up for your dc. I've got no experience to add, just sympathy. I'd be inclined to insist he stick to the mil house arrangement until he's able to get a permanent home set up. Shared houses are kind of temporary and even if he stays the others could move on. It's nice for the kids to have stability. Plus seeing stbxh with their dgm is nice for dc, otherwise you'll have to have access for mil some other time.

I'm not saying he can't see his children, I am uncomfortable with our children being in a house with strangers who neither of us know. Until he knows them better I think he should stay with the dcs at mil. These people could be lovely but they could be into drugs, heavy drinking having girls staying over etc and I don't want my children exposed to that until he knows these people.

I have never said he can't have them, I asked him to have them extra over summer holidays and he refused and will only stick to his every other weekend.

I paid the money for the birthday party because I wanted to. I have a good job and can afford it. I was trying to explain that he pays me minimum money so it is not my fault he can't afford a place to live.

Sorry few xposts. That was to admits know I right.

I think you are being reasonable OP. Stick with what you are saying. You are not cutting contact just being cautious, which is not a bad thing.

I hope it works out.

Thanks everyone else. I actually get on very well with my mil and we meet up weekly so she can see the dcs. She has a bedrooms at her house that are their room with their beds, toys etc. she has always done this as they do often stay over at her house. This would be very normal for them to stay there as they has stayed with her since being babies.

The dcs are all under 7.

I don't think yabu. I would try to insist on staying at mil's too. When my mum and dad split, my brother and I were shoved from pillar to post when visiting my dad.