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Original poster

Bridesmaid drama...

29 replies

Gangie · 14/09/2014 09:16

So I'm getting married 14th feb. Trying to keep it small enough (75) and keep costs and fuss down.

I organised everything invites, ceremony, venue, band, food etc before we even told family. This had worked out really well because I have cut out all arguing over 'you can't do that' 'you must do this'' shite that seems to go with weddings, anyway wasn't goin to have bridesmaids at all as have 3 sisters and i don't want a big wedding party for a small wedding iyswim.

Decided in the end to pick 1 sister, I'm close with all 3 but especially so with this sister, also she is very laid back and will wear anything. Sister no 2 is lovely too but much more highly strung and is an absolute nightmare to dress! (Seriously!) so I decided to pick sister 1 and my best friend who lives in my city (not near sisters or where I grew up) because she will be the one wedding dress shopping/organising/ etc. have asked both sisters to do a reading as part if the ceremony, sister 2 is pissed off & upset and really wanted to be bridesmaid (my mother told me this). She thinks I should ask her, have 3 bridesmaids....,,sister 2 had been bridesmaid already for oldest sister, is bridesmaid for sister 2 who is getting married 2016 and will be the bride at her own wedding in 2016!

What do I do? 1. On one hand I love my sister & don't want to upset her so should I just have 3 bridesmaids or 2. Stand my ground and hope she gets over it.

If I start conceding to changes now I'm fearful there will be more things they will want changed ie. Mum had already tried to tell me what cousins I HAVE to invite (I don't talk to or ever see these cousins and will not be inviting them! ) so sorry that was long...Grin

OP posts:
AdmitYouKnowImRight · 14/09/2014 09:22

As this isn't a 'big fuss' wedding - let the other sisters pick their own outfits (within the colour scheme if you have one) and call them maid/matrons of honour - problem sorted.

Acolyte · 14/09/2014 09:24

Stand your ground, she'll get over it.

My elder sister made my twin her bridesmaid. Initially I was Hmm but I enjoyed the day not being part of the limelight and wearing what I wanted to wear .....trousers, not a dress!
Many years (and a divorce) later, I am closer to my older sister than I am to my (estranged) twin. So, no lasting damage done. Smile

FrancesNiadova · 14/09/2014 09:25

I think that you need to remind them that it's your day, & that they are there to support your marriage. It's not about them & what they want.
If your Mum wants a family day with loads of distant relatives in attendance, why hasn't she organised and paid for one? She could do a rellies day when you get your photos back, to show everyone.
You stick to the day that you & your DP want.

Hakluyt · 14/09/2014 09:29

"You stick to the day that you & your DP want."

So long as you're prepared to accept the fact you might upset people.

Honestly? Picking one sister of three is bound to upset the other two. Wouldn't you be upset if it was the other way round?

MrsQueen · 14/09/2014 09:29

Well honestly I know it's your wedding and you can do what you want etc etc, but choosing 1 sister out of 3 was bound to cause problems. My brother chose me but not our other sister 15 years ago and it still causes upset. It really upset my sister and affected her relationship with him.

The problem you have now is that if you ask them to be bridesmaids it's obviously a second choice/something you feel forced to do, so that fact alone may still cause issues.

The only advice I can give now is to talk honestly to both sisters - along the lines of "we thought you wouldn't want it be bridesmaids because (whatever you can come up with - eg thought you'd be too busy organising your own wedding?), but obviously we'd love you to be bridesmaids or if that's too much you could be involved some other way by doing readings/helping with flowers/whatever"

Tinkerball · 14/09/2014 09:32

All this " it's your day and not theirs, have what you want" is all fine and dandy but as Haklut days be ready for others being upset, whether you think they are right or not. Picking 1 sister out of 3 was always going to cause ill feeling.

Original poster
Gangie · 14/09/2014 09:34

Just to say - I wouldn't be in the least bit offended if they didn't ask me to be bridesmaid in fact I told both of them to do what they want/have who they want!!

OP posts:
MooMaid · 14/09/2014 09:36

It may cause ill feeling but she has asked them to do a reading and it IS her day.

OP stick to your guns if it's what you're happy with, but explain why you're doing it. Perhaps ask sisters if they'd like to be in a similar colour to bridal party or, if you're not fussed about that, include them in the speeches so they feel included on the day. I can understand why they feel upset but you've given them other roles anyway.

clairemum22 · 14/09/2014 09:37

I think its a bad idea to pick 1 sister although damage is done now. they wont see the reason behind it, just you choosing favouries. Yes it's your day but do you really want to upset your close family? Most people are not thick skinned enough for such treatment to be ok.

FamiliesShareGerms · 14/09/2014 09:38

I'd be offended (and hurt) if I was one of the sisters who wasn't chosen. If you didn't want a big party I'd have stuck to just my friend rather than choosing just one sister. But it's a bit late for that now

Can you involve them in other ways eg doing a reading?

firesidechat · 14/09/2014 09:39

To be honest I can't imagine why you thought picking one of three sisters was ever going to be drama free. Either all sisters or no sisters were the only two acceptable options.

iklboo · 14/09/2014 09:39

And this is why we didn't choose ANY siblings for best man / bridesmaid duties.

'Couldn't possibly choose between you, wouldn't be fair, can't afford for you all blah blah'.

BumpNGrind · 14/09/2014 09:41

75 people is not a small wedding. That's more than I had and I got married in a castle with lots of the trimmings. I think you will upset your sister. Everyone will tell you that it's your day but when you chose to spend it with that many people it's not just your day and you do have to do things to make others happy to a certain extent. If you do ask your other sister, it's ok for you to make clear that you have a particular dress or style in mind and that she can accept or step back.

firesidechat · 14/09/2014 09:42

Also having 75 guests to a wedding isn't that small. 30 guests is small, 150 guests is large, 75 is probably about middling.

NanooCov · 14/09/2014 09:43

You've kind of created a rod for your own back. Would have been better to have no sisters and just your friend as bridesmaid (or none at all). Just because you wouldn't be upset if the situation was reversed, doesn't mean that applies to everyone. What reason would you give if the sisters asked you outright why they were overlooked in favour of the chosen one? You just don't like them as much? I honestly feel it's a bit like saying you have a favourite child. Sorry to sound overdramatic but I just find it odd.

Christmascandles · 14/09/2014 09:43

I'd go with something along the lines of Mrsqueen suggestion, maybe combined with what the first reply said too.

You've asked them both to do a reading, just have them both as bridesmaids too.

SanityClause · 14/09/2014 09:44

Oh, for crying out loud.

I was my sister's only bridesmaid. We have three other sisters. What was she supposed to do? Have four bridesmaids?

She is still close to the other sisters; they haven't had a teenage strop (although two were teenagers at the time).

Also, don't go via your mother. Speak directly to your sisters. Your mother may well have views of her own, which are colouring the way she is reporting their feelings to you. (Maybe not, too, but best to be sure, so speak directly to your sisters.)

Kundry · 14/09/2014 09:47

Agree 30 or less is small, to my mind 75 is a big wedding so 3 bridesmaids would be an average amount.

However you didn't want 3 bridesmaids, it sounds like sisters have married and not had 3 bridesmaids (so a precedent has been set) so you should stand your ground.

If you are forced to have 3 bridesmaids start bringing out the 'agree to loss 2 stone and not to TTC' contracts. Oh and the shit dresses. She might resign then Grin

Figamol · 14/09/2014 09:49

Honestly my gut feeling is that its kind of not cool. If you want it low key, just get nice high street dresses for all three and have them stood there with you. Weddings are about celebrating family and creating an awful lot of good feeling to all involved. If I was at a wedding where only 1 out of 3 sisters was a bridesmaid, I'd certainly think it was strange.

If its a money issue, gently tell them your initial decision was because of this and is there any way they can help pay for some of their dresses.

I totally agree you should do what you want on your wedding day but I just kind of feel your dividing the family and missing the point.

(I say this with complete kindness, I know how hard it can be to keep everyone happy x)

Fairenuff · 14/09/2014 09:51

Leave it as it is. Even if you change they will still know they weren't your first choice and you're only having them as you've been brow beaten into it.

They both have readings which would probably have to be dropped if they were bridesmaids and what about your friend, would she be the fourth bridesmaid or asked to step down.

Do it your way and they will come around to it. If your mum tells you again how your sisters feel tell her to speak to you directly if they are upset. Then you can explain to them, direct, that this is how you want to do it and why.

Figamol · 14/09/2014 09:54

Ps Never let your mum be the go between. Tell her nothing and talk to your sisters directly. Some Mums can be pretty narcissistic creatures on the quiet and often enjoy family drama and are almost never neutral enough to any party.

CombineBananaFister · 14/09/2014 09:59

I could understand picking one sister over another if you were much closer to one but as you all seem to get on it seems a bit odd. If it's a small wedding then I probably would have just chosen your friend rather than single out one sister - surely you can see why the other sister would be a bit hurt?

I do understand the 'your wedding your rules' if you are being dictated too but don't think that means you get to completely disregard peoples actual feelings - it's not an excuse to be thoughtless.

Follow the childrens party mantra - all or none Grin although I know this is open to debate Wink

DaisyFlowerChain · 14/09/2014 10:00

75 is not a small intimate wedding so you could have had all three and not hurt anybodies feelings. Cheap high street dresses and their own shoes wouldn't have broke the budget.

It's quite mean to choose one and leave the other two out, whilst you say you wouldn't mind I suspect pact of that is just justifying your own wedding choices. Most sisters would feel upset to be left out when their other siblings weren't.

EverythingCounts · 14/09/2014 10:02

Who is paying? If your parents are putting money in, then I can see why they'd go on about cousins being invited, but if not you can just say 'no, we've decided the guest list now'.

Agree with others that choosing one sister was always going to work out badly. I think you should have your other sisters but make it clear the dress will be your choice - assuming again you are paying for this. What's your budget for bridesmaid dresses? You need to shop carefully and look at sale items but it can be done more cheaply than you think.

BTW I had 3 bridesmaids at a wedding not much bigger than yours.

NickiFury · 14/09/2014 10:04

I think it's a bit mean to pick one without the other. You love her and it means a lot to her. I'd say "I would love you to be a BM but I am not having ANY drama about dresses" and then just don't have it.

It's all very well saying "it's your day, do what you want!" But there's a lot of days to come afterwards when she will still be hurt that one sister got asked and she didn't.