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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at him patronising me

21 replies

pissedoffatbeingpatronised · 13/09/2014 22:37

My partner is starting to fuck me off. For example tonight we were at a dinner party and talking about how something within a car works (which admittedly I know little about) and I said oh really how does that work? And DP says to me: "how do you think?" And I feel so small, end up staring back at him like a bloody child waiting for the answer. It's the way he says it and looks at me. It's like being back at school.
Later on another conversation and I give an opinion on something else and he belittles what I've said. It's always like this when we are in groups. End up feeling like just shutting up or talking to people separately from him so he doesn't have to undermine me.
We have a 20 year age gap which normally is absolutely no problem and not even noticeable in any way, but this ends up highlighting it.
I've had a few wines tonight so maybe I am being over sensitive, but wanted to vent.
Arghhh.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 13/09/2014 22:51

You're not being oversensitive, I'd be fucking fuming if DH thought he could do me down when we were out, it'd really hurt.

Does it say there's more of an unequal balance between you than you thought?

He seems to think there is, he's fine with bolstering his own standing in company at your expense.

He's only making himself look like a twat though because nobody's going to be impressed with him talking to you like shit.

If it were me I'd give him warning that if he does it again I'll pick him up on it regardless of who's around.

Maybe someone on here can come up with a one liner you can cut him down with?

FoxgloveFairy · 13/09/2014 22:53

I find that stuff really annoying too. Generally, my response is along the lines of "I don't know. If I did I'd hardly ask the question, would I?"

LRDtheFeministDragon · 13/09/2014 22:56

I wouldn't like that.

Does he know he's doing it? I think I'd mention it - just to say how you felt. Could be he's sort of stepping into this persona and doesn't realize it makes him a dickhead.

That said, if he knows he's doing it, it is a deeply unattractive quality!

BerylStreep · 13/09/2014 22:56

Why are you with someone 20 years older who belittles you?

I remember when I was 18-21 I went out with a guy who was 10 years older than me. I was flattered, and thought it reflected how mature and attractive I was. With hindsight, he was a controlling twat, and that was why he wanted someone so much younger than him, who would be pliant.

Don't let anyone put you down like this.

gentlehoney · 13/09/2014 22:58

How long have you been together, and which way around is the age gap? Has he always done this or is it recent?

Bellwether · 13/09/2014 23:00

13 year age gap here.

On the second or third date, he said something like "... but you're probably too young to remember that." It was about some historical event of the 1970s that I was aware of thanks to... well. Books. He went on to repeat this 'quip' two or three times over the next couple of weeks.

My response was of such calibre he never did it again.

To be honest your bloke sounds like he's being deliberately cruel rather than thoughtlessly making a crap joke, but call him on it anyway.

AgentZigzag · 13/09/2014 23:01

Thing is though Fox, that's the start of an argument (just giving him more fodder), whereas the OP needs something she can say that's unarguable back at and that'd show him up for the arse he's being, whilst she gets to cool, witty and scathing standing over the wreck of the man he once was.

AgentZigzag · 13/09/2014 23:02

'gets to look cool...'

Original poster

pissedoffatbeingpatronised · 13/09/2014 23:10

He is older than me. We've been together for about 18 months, I don't think it's a recent thing but in the early days I overlooked it. It's inky recently started to grate!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 13/09/2014 23:17

Have you told him how it makes you feel OP?

How did he react?

sunbathe · 13/09/2014 23:21

Oh dear, have you forgotten how it works?

Don't worry if you can't remember, dear.

Bulbasaur · 14/09/2014 00:10

Just be patronizing right back.

"Oh it's ok if you don't know, honey. No one is judging you. Your manliness isn't measured by how much you know about cars" "I'll just look it up on google when we get home"

Or you could just call him on it. Tell him to cut the shit right then and there.

darkness · 14/09/2014 05:47

"Actually I don't care ( how it works..or whatever he's patronising you about), I was just checking to see if you'd grown some manners"

darkness · 14/09/2014 05:55

If this is followed by "you can't grow manners" as a response..which is possible if he's a complete arse then
"No, because have them already...see how that works?"

Original poster

pissedoffatbeingpatronised · 14/09/2014 08:52

Mentioned it to him. He says he didn't realise he was doing it and he apologised. Also said that I take some things he says the wrong way. Have a feeling he'll do it again, so thankyou for the suitable retorts!

OP posts:

cantthinkofanewnameatall · 14/09/2014 08:52

How about "I'm MUCH, MUCH younger than you darling but I did still manage to be born with a brain" or similar but said in a sufficiently joking way.

SanityClause · 14/09/2014 09:07

Really watch this, OP.

Was he really sorry he had said something that could have been misconstrued? Or did he blame you for being "too sensitive".

You don't have to be belittled for his amusement (and that of his friends?). You really don't.

And suitable retorts are unlikely to solve the problem, on their own. But, maybe as a reminder that he's doing it again, they wouldn't go amiss. So long as you discuss it with him, afterwards.

deakymom · 14/09/2014 10:26

ahhh my dh does this so i did it back i dont usually degrade myself into pettiness but we have a shoe cupboard and he asks me questions like where is ds shoes i reply where do you think? he asks me where the nappies are? where do you think? (right by him actually) all this because he repeatedly uses that bloody annoying phrase when i'm looking for something of HIS i need to open the door can i have your keys please? (he keeps them in his pocket) he says yes......okay where are they then? where do you think? (in the meantime the person who is knocking has fucked off because clearly we are not going to open the door anytime soon)

poolomoomon · 14/09/2014 10:34

I had a much older DP once like this. "oh but obviously you're too young to know about that." Constantly so I started returning the favour "but you're too old to know about that." it worked.

antimatter · 14/09/2014 10:37

I used to say to my ex "You wouldn't talk like that to your work colleagues - what makes you believe it is the right way to talk to me" - helped him to change the kind of comments I used to get from him.

BerylStreep · 14/09/2014 11:00

Deakymom for fire safety you should always have ready access to keys if the door is locked from the inside. It is absolutely not ok that your DH has them in his pocket if that is the only way of opening the door to get out.

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