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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off about this

23 replies

Beatrixemerald · 13/09/2014 19:16

Dsd is in year 11 and has been struggling with maths so we agreed to get her a tutor 1 hr a week which she is delighted about. dh approached exw about sharing the cost between the four of us (myself/dh/exw/exwh) and she said shed think about it. later on dh got a text from exw's h to saysorry as they are having a load of building work done they cant afford it. the cost is approx £100 per month.
I am the main earner in our house and on mat leave, I have saved to cover my half of all bills, mortgage etc whilst off but its tight. we dont go out much, buy clothes etc exw and her h, have epensive hobbies, gym membership, out at the pub a lot, eat out regularly etc and i feel like they should prioritise dsd's education and cut back on something.
In the meantime, dh pays maintenance they are both happy with and dsd is with us 2/3 nights per week. we also go halves on school trips etc and buy clothes.
We all get on well generally but I feel really hacked off about this AIBU?

OP posts:

attheendoftheday · 13/09/2014 19:27

Sorry but YABU. You can't decide to get a tutor without consulting her and then be unhappy she won't pay half.

You don't know the details of her financial situation, so you can't assume she has the money available. Or she may dislike another adult dictating how to spend her money.

Also, why would the cost be split 4 ways? Surely it is split between the parents, who will privately arrange with their partners whether it will come out of their family pot. Trying to ask your dp's ex's dp to contribute seems strange.

Original poster

Beatrixemerald · 13/09/2014 19:33

Dsd and dh had mentioned it before tutor was found, that said cost wasnt discussed at that point. We generally split things between us all, i pay 1/4 of dsd's school holiday costs for example. Dh did discuss it epwith exw but it was her h that texted him not her.
we do know how much they go out and cost of golf/gym round us, i guess its just different priorities

OP posts:

gentlehoney · 13/09/2014 19:47

Different people have different needs and commitments. It was reasonable for you to ask the other parent but would be unreasonable for you to pursue it.

Icelollycraving · 13/09/2014 19:48

Yabu. If you decided to find one so it's a done deal without discussing you will to have to think again.
Less often/could the dd forfeit some of her allowance etc.

ILovePud · 13/09/2014 19:51

I don't think you are being unreasonable for how you feel, I can see why you're pissed off, you're trying to do the best for DSS and it seems like supporting her with her maths is less of a priority for her mum. However I think you be unreasonable to say anything, it may have been discussed but it sounds like it hadn't been formally agreed. It sounds like money is understandably tight at the moment, I wonder if rather than you and DH feeling forced to stump up double what you were expecting whether the tutor could come fortnightly and leave some worksheets and whether her dad or another family member could support this work?

Original poster

Beatrixemerald · 13/09/2014 19:54

Thanks, was not going to say anything. I suspect exw thinks we are better off than we are so prob doesnt realise what a stretch it is. Anyhow, we think her maths gcse is really important so going to stick with tutor until xmas, see how the mocks go and then drop it back to fortnightly if all goes well.

OP posts:

FlossyMoo · 13/09/2014 20:13

I understand why you are pissed off OP. However there is not much you can do about it.

I think it is great that you care so much about DSD, you sound like a wonderful SM.

Although I don't quite understand why you are paying for DSD as in you pay 1/4 of her holiday costs.

needaholidaynow · 13/09/2014 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 13/09/2014 20:29

I agree with needaholiday. Ask by all means but as it was your idea I don't think you can expect the ex to pay anything. (This is how I would deal with it if I was my ex and dd).

YellowTulips · 13/09/2014 20:32

In my experience you either have to agree to the contribution in advance or suck up the full cost if it's being driven by you and your DH.

My DH and I contribute far more to DSD (in excess of maintenance) in terms of extra curricular stuff we want her to do that we know her mum can't afford. Technically it should be 50/50 but we don't want DSD to miss out on a point of principle.

Having said that we are lucky for finance not to be a problem as we both work and these decisions don't mean we are compromising elsewhere.

Original poster

Beatrixemerald · 13/09/2014 20:51

Fair enough iabu, just wish dsd's education was more of a priority. however, have little baby and totally knackered so not as rational as I usually am

OP posts:

CombineBananaFister · 13/09/2014 21:01

I don't think yabu, agree it's not upto you to make financial decisions on their behalf before agreeing it but based on what you know about them I think it's a bit crap they'd put their own expensive hobbies before their DDs education.

Do they agree she needs a tutor but just don't want to sacrifice their lifestyle for it? or do they not agree about a tutor or can they not afford it? I'll get slated for this as you are a StepM making a financial decision about your DSD without consultation instead of her own DM but it's good you care so much and it's for the right reasons at least. If they couldn't afford it fair enough, but if they can it's a bit tight. Or maybe you've underestimated their wealth and not just their priorities?

Original poster

Beatrixemerald · 13/09/2014 21:19

Combine, they agree its a good idea, dsd is bright and does well in all subjects apart from maths, she is top set but grtting 30/40% in tests. to keep all her future options open I know how important it is she gets a b. I cant stress enough, we all get on well, I think they just think we have a lot of money, and at the moment we don't.
I dont thonk they realise that I bring in around 70% of household income and now on stat mat pay.

OP posts:

Pollywallywinkles · 13/09/2014 21:46

It should have been your DH and his exW to discuss and decide on a tutor for their DD. Costs should be split between her parents. If it was decided that a tutor was necessary and the costs couldn't be met equally between them, they should decide whether or not to go ahead or how to split the costs.

It is totally unreasonable to decide that all adults will pay a quarter each and even more unreasonable to feel hacked off.

Original poster

Beatrixemerald · 13/09/2014 22:04

Polly, really don't understand why its U for all of us who care for dsd to financially contribute both myself and her stepdad are happy to?

OP posts:

CrapBag · 13/09/2014 23:06

YANBU. Its a shame that your dsd's mum doesn't care about her education as much as her step mum. She has her priorities wrong.

theendoftheendoftheend · 13/09/2014 23:11

I don't think YABU at all, I think you're being incredibly understanding, kind and supportive to your DSD. Woukd it be worth asking if there is an amount they could afford to contribute?

Veritata · 13/09/2014 23:15

Is your dh paying maintenance to his ex? Can he knock some of the cost off that?

kelcol · 13/09/2014 23:16

My son is in year 10 and very nervous as not good at exams but expected to get all a's. I spoke to my ex about sons concerns. I suggested it may be worth looking at a tutor to help. He agreed and offered to go halves.

I agree it will benefit the child both parents should pay. Nothing is more important than your child's education. Even if they couldn't afford half anything would help.

feathermucker · 13/09/2014 23:21

They're having building work done you said? If they can't afford it, they can't afford it.

YANBU to want the best for your DSD, but YABU to suggest that they don't care about her education.

Try advertising in the local paper for someone; uni student, graduate etc - may be cheaper.

Original poster

Beatrixemerald · 13/09/2014 23:24

Yes dh pays maintenance and no adjustment has been made by him since dd has been born so he did consider it but as things are very amicable it didnt seem like the right thing to do. I agree re education but exw isnt really focused that way and just doesn't place the same importance on it that we do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beatrixemerald · 13/09/2014 23:27

Feather mucker - they just don't see education the same way we do, and as they go out a lot and are huge drinkers they are prioritising tgthat.

OP posts:

Scholes34 · 13/09/2014 23:40

You should be able to speak to the school and ask for help. With Maths, working through past questions and examples is the best way to improve. You might be able to avoid using a tutor if you can spend time with DSD and supporting that way. Our school would be delighted to offer this kind of help. The school also has surgeries for this.

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