Should I hold my tongue at my friends outrageous comments?

[lill72]

My close friend recently had a baby through a sperm donor. We live on opposite sides of the world now, but I saw her while she was pregnant earlier this year. She has always been highly critical of others children and has no patience for any children that do not behave perfectly.

I did not think she was going to have children as she has no partner but then she became pregnant though a sperm donor. Good for her. I was absolutely gobsmacked though when we were at a party with about ten kids and they were being quite noisy. She rolled her eyes at the noise and said 'I'm going to have a quiet child' to which I replied 'Good luck with that' I could not believe she would say this. All children have their moments. She has mad similarly outrageous comments to my friends, but seems to then change her tune when she actually goes through the process. Like saying it was silly how women felt tired when pregnant. Then it happened to her.

She now has a baby who is 3 months old. We spoke for the first time on skype yesterday. The first things she said were how calm and chilled her baby was and how she sleeps through the night and has done for ages. Ahhh the honeymoon period. I had to hold my tongue to not say - ahh things will probably change honey. They won't stay this calm forever.

Then she went onto to tell me her bible on parenting book - French children don't throw food. I thought this was for children, not babies, but he seems to be using this a the go to book for everything. I have looked at it, but not read it all. seems you need to take with a grain of salt. My friend though wholly agrees with every word - all about not attending to childrens whims immediately, making them fit into your lifestyle, telling them you find their skits boring and to go and do it in their room. Now some of the book may have some good ideas, but as I said taken with a grain of salt. Suddenly I was being told by my friend I must go and buy two copies immediately. As I have a 4 year old DD, I feel like I have a view on this book and possibly more experience than my mate with a baby. I don't really think many of the suggestions are realistic. But she seems to be the authority on children and perfectly behaved children. I think she has no grip on what is about to hit her.

I think she thinks her child will never throw a tantrum, behave badly or embarrass her in public. I just don't know whether to call her up on thee things or jut sit back quietly and wait til reality hits. I just find her views very annoying!

wheresthelight Total over reaction there or what?!

McFox - you don't think saying 'I'm going to have a quiet child' is outrageous?

Her comment on pregnant women making tiredness up?

In regards to some of the book - I do think some of it is good. But my point really was that she is using it is a baby bible and thinks she knows all the answers on the perfect way to parent though she isn't at that stage yet. This is not really what I consider a baby book.

Cab - I left her to it and we have been emailing. I dont like to hassle new mums. Esp with time diff and the fact I am pregnant and feel unwell - all reasons why it has taken us so long to chat. Obviously it is easy to leave her to it, but it was very tricky hiding my disdain and disagreement on that book and her ideas. She actually is the one thrusting the way I should think upon me. It's just irritating as I have a 4 year old!!!

Plants
The awful daughter

These are just a few of her comments - it is her general comments towards kids that I have found outrageous over the years and her trying to boss my DD around in January too - when she wasn't doing anything at all in terms of bad behaviour.

Theawfuldaughter - her little girl may be all she says - chilled out, etc now. She is only 3 months old.

Jut wait until he is 3 years old and she expects a 'quiet child' who never throws a tantrum, gets upset. That is what I am talking about.

Naive maybe, outrageous no.

I actually think it's quite nasty of you to wait for her In hope that she finds these things out. You seem to be in competition with her. If her child ends up totally different to her expectations will you be jumping up and down with glee? Other than that I don't see what your exact issue is. She's entitled to think what she wants and so are you without being so sneery.

It is nasty, and is compounded by the fact that you feel the need to comment on how the child was conceived which has absolutely no bearing on the apparent problem. I hope that my friends aren't silently judging me like this.

Ladyluck and McFox - my friend over the years has been very nasty and judgemental about others children. Saying many of them are awful and terribly behaved. This has got my back up.

Yes she can think what she wants. But she thinks she knows what a perfect child should be and did not seem to want to disscus my opinion the other day when I said I didn't really like the book. Considering I have an older child, I thought she may have being interested in my opinion.

I guess there was no reason to bring up how the child was conceived - only that I just never thought she would have kids after all the nasty comments she made about them.

I am not waiting for her to fail. I am glad she has got her wish of having a baby. She looked so happy and it was lovely to see. But I and other friends are just a little in shock at how she thinks she will have a 'quiet, perfectly well behaved child'. It just grates. I am allowed an opinion am I not?

You are but we don't have to agree with it!

Did you really never think/say anything about other people's children before you had your own? Surely every new/expectant mother thinks her children will be perfectly behaved, easily toilet trained, eat all good healthy food, be top of the class. We all learn and your friend will too. So you've been there first there's no need to be so nasty about someone you apparently love dearly .

She sounds annoying in how she expresses herself.

You don't sound like you like her at all. That's ok. Perhaps let the friendship slide, rather than allowing it to antagonise you so much.

Of course you're allowed an opinion, but you've posted in AIBU, so you take what comes your way I'm afraid and it seems that a lot of us don't agree with you.

Boomboom- it always surprises me too. I worked at a visitor attraction that used to receive parties of French school kids quite regularly. They were mostly, not always, but mostly, a complete nightmare. No respect for us and what we had there, no respect for other visitors. It got so bad that we used to radio messages put to all staff on site when. French school showed up, so we could patrol more and keep an eye on them. We used to take teachers mobile phone numbers so we could track them down and used them fairly often, but rarely did we see any teachers doing much. By contrast, the on.y children to behave like that from an English school, once we told the teachers, were located by their staff, frogmarched up to apologise, asked to contribute money to cleaning the things they'd defaced (a token amount, and we didn't accept it, but it made the point), and we received grovelling letters of apology later.
When I read about the virtues of the French upbringing, my cynical side says "That seems to be all well and good as long as the parents are there, but my experience is that once away from home, they are a sodding nuisance and a total nightmare." I'd rather my kid was well behaved out and about even if it means she plays me up at home (on the principle they can't be angelic all the time!).

Oh well, it maybe a load of bollocks and in fact her child is a nightmare and she's on cover up. Or it might not be and her child is heaven sent/this book has worked for her.

Either way, don't piss on her chips. Don't say anything and don't gloat to her face if/when things change. That's not a friend, that's a dickhead.

I hated the negativity of people when I was expecting/newborn. It doesn't help anyone.

She does sound really annoying but, er, maybe she will have a quiet child? I did. Seriously, she's not been a moment's trouble in eight years. I am pretty sure it's nothing I've done, but some of them do come that way and they all have their own personalities. There's a hefty chance hers won't be quiet because, let's face it, most aren't. But that's OK. She'll find out in her own time.

Were all chilled here, the kids and us.

It's why the house is such a bloody mess.

Oops we're

Isn't the whole "French kids are quiet and well behaved" a myth like the one "French women don't get fat"? Or is that true?

I haven't been to France, nor do I know anyone French, so I have no idea.

However, I do know that I was an annoying first time pregnant mum, and I told people that our baby would fit in with us, that we'd continue doing what we'd always done. People were nice and smiled and nodded, knowing full well what a learning curve I would have.

And I did. Colicy baby, PND, totally miserable and housebound for months...I've since had another four kids and when a first time mum makes those comments I smile and nod, wish them the very best and know that they too will face the real world soon enough.

Maybe your friend will be lucky enough to have a compliant easy babe, but that doesn't give her the right to judge the way you parent, just as you should just let her get on with it and not judge her.

There are many different parenting styles, and (short of abuse, which is wrong) most people do what works for them. It would be a nicer world if we could put differences aside and support one another.

I actually think it's quite nasty of you to wait for her In hope that she finds these things out. You seem to be in competition with her. If her child ends up totally different to her expectations will you be jumping up and down with glee?

I agree.

What is OP going to do if she does have a quiet and chill child? I've known plenty of mellow, easy going, well behaved children. We all know OP wants her to have a feral child just to put her in her place, otherwise, she won't be able to bear the smugness of her friend.

I'd focus more on the fact that she's so judgmental and bring that up. Even if her baby is the perfect child, it's still not alright to be sanctimonious about parenting.

You don't sound like much of a friend tbh.

Oh new mothers have many notions lol.
I am envisioning your friend like Eddies friend Bettina in AB FAB, when she came to visit Eddie with her new baby.

You're not being nasty, you're just being human!

But no, don't say anything. She might have a quiet kid, you never know. And she might be lying already about her baby being quiet - the amount of balls competitive new mums told me about their 'sleeping through' babies was quite an eye opener to me!

But is it about whether they are perfectly behaved three-year-olds or are we talking about the long run?

My sister-in-law has an extremely strong personality and was always boasting about how well behaved her children were, but neither of them got through university and are now in their forties and still have difficulty standing up to their mother.

I am very fond of all three of them, I am not criticising, but the question is what kinds of adults we want our children to be, not whether they behave perfectly when they are three.

In my experience French kids are, shall we say, reined in more than UK ones.