my Ex is an arse

[velvetspoon]

Sigh.

In August Ex took our DC away for 2 weeks. They got back just over a fortnight ago.

Last weekend they spent 2 nights at his house. Tonight he's rung them and is insisting they go over again tonight. DS1 has just started his as levels and is swamped with work, he cant study there because ex doesn't have a room of his own (lives with parents ) and there is no quiet space. When the DC stay they sleep on the lounge floor.

DS2 doesn't much want to go without DS1. They've said they'll go over and stay on Sun but that isnt good enough. Now both of them are wound up trying to make their father see reason. He and I don't speak and he ignores my text so I cant intercede.

The boys are now in bad moods, but ultimately are wary of pissing him off because we need him to pick them up from a wedding next weekend as we've found out neither DS is allowed the time off school and I cant get them back (I don't drive, wedding on a Sunday in middle of nowhere...ex had said he'd pick them up but his usual tactic would be now to pull the plug on it because he's not got his own way.

Just wish he would lists to them more and what they want, rather than telling himself it's all my influence.

Ugh I sympathise OP, this thread is very good timing. I hope you don't mind if I have a sympathy fuelled rant of my own?

Ex has contact this weekend, overnight on sat night. The DCs (17mo and 3.5 yo) have come down with a bug. DD is snotty and has achey legs. DS has molten larva pouring out of his bottom which is red raw. He's being non stop all day. I've got through half a pack of nappies today. I rang ex and said that in light of this, they needed a v quiet weekend watching films on his couch and lots of cuddles. But no, exs grandma has travelled "all this way" to see them so they "will be fine" and he said he would be dragging them round a country fair and to his parents for a big 3 course semi formal meal. He then hung up on me after swearing like mad for a minute or two because it turns out he is driving while on the phone. So I rang ex mil, explained the kids were poorly, what did she want to do about grandma who has come "all this way" and she was horrified as grandma can't afford to catch something at her age etc, they don't want the DCs going over there this weekend. Try and get hold of ex to tell him what his mum and I have talked about, he's ignoring me, texts that he's going to a party and will let me know in the morning whether he wants to see either of the DCs.

So I imagine he's in a huge stress because I didn't allow him to do his usual charade of "keeping up appearances" for his family. Heaven forbid you change plans with his parents due to one of you being ill. When we were together I was forced by him to spend a weekend at a hot roast making small talk and smiling while 6 weeks pregnant with awful morning sickness (I was off meat) and when the previous day I'd had a fairly hefty bleed. So yes, he's angry that I've actually had a conversation with his patents rather than forcing the kids to suffer through the weekend plans and he's taking his anger out on the kids by now not knowing whether he wants to see them at all this weekend.

And I am just raging at the stupid stupid wanker.

Sorry OP, but I really needed a rant!

It sounds like you all tiptoe round him. None of you should be doing that. I wonder if you could access some sort of counselling to get to the root of why you feel you need to do it. If your son is doing as levels he should be old enough to say "no" without needing to explain or defend himself.
As for the wedding. You need to change your mindset. Take your ex out of the equation and do not rely on him for lifts. Book a taxi. Organise a lift share. Don't give him opportunities to wield any power over your sons.

Ah that's fine, you rant away! :)

Hope your little ones are feeling better soon. I remember that toddler bug stage only too well, I should be grateful mine are now terns and well past that.

Slightly comforting to know I'm not the only one with an arse of an Ex though. Least you gave a reasonable MIL, mines never been any use (and never approved of me working ft when the DC were small, but that's a ehole other thread!)

We don't tiptoe around him. DS1 has just spent a good 20 mins having a very well reasoned discussion with him, clearly explaining the reasons why he cannot come to his house. DS is far more an adult than his father unfortunately.

I have no verbal /face to face contact because he was physically and emotionally abusive to me. I was advised to keep contact to writing. But as stated he ignores my texts.

Ordinarily we rely on him for nothing, he makes no financial contribution to our household. I was expecting the boys to be allowed a day off school as it is the wedding of a very close family friend (and very much a one off). The venue is some distance away, a taxi would cost well over £150, which I money I simply do not have. I have had no opportunity to make other arrangements as we found this out earlier this week and the wedding is next weekend. There is no one to lift share with as we don't live near any of the other guests.

Surely if your oldest if doing AS levels you could just trust them and leave them to manage together. With money for a pizza maybe?

It sounds like your son is taking his AS levels very seriously which is great and it would be a shame if he can't work properly.

But it shouldn't need 20 minutes to say no! He should politely end the conversation if his dad won't listen.
I didn't mean to sound abrupt or offensive by the way. (I have my own similar exh and completely sympathise with your situation).
I hear what you're saying about the wedding, but plenty of people in your situation simply wouldn't have the option of a lift. I suppose I feel so strongly about never wanting my ex to have that sort of control that for me he simply would not be factored in. I wouldn't accept lifts on the unspoken understanding that it was in condition I/ my kids had to sleep over on the floor. I would rather miss the wedding.

OP my DD has just done her AS levels, we are onto A Levels this year. She hardly leaves her room when she is in study mode. She doesn't attend family events and no way would she be going to stay at her Grandparent's house. Can your Ex not understand how important these exams are or just appreciate what his son wants?

They can manage on their own of course. I work ft so they are very self sufficient. They and I are part of the wedding party so we all really need to be there. If we're not I will be massively letting down one of my closest friends.

The boys asked if he'd give them a lift because there really is no other alternative aside from not going. Like I said I don't take a penny of his money. I have asked him for nothing over the last 6 years.

DS is a debator. He is very skilled at presenting a case. He has to go into detail and thoroughly explain because otherwise Ex will not accept it, and phone them repeatedly. Or just turn up and sit in the driveway for hours which just annoys them further.

As for the sleeping on the floor Ex has lived with his parents for 4 years. He earns 40k a year so can afford his own him but chooses not to get one. His parents have 2 other family members living there. Ex sleeps on the sofa. The boys have to sleep on the floor as there is no room for a bed/ other sofa. The boys are happy to see him, on THEIR terms, so have never restricted access purely based on his living arrangements as legally I would be on dodgy ground.

I get it. What the kids want doesn't come into it because your ex can't see that anyone else is the world has wants and needs except him.

Sadly, I know exactly what you mean.

I also have no contact because anything I send or say either elicits aggression, is ignored, or the exact opposite is done.

It's so, so frustrating and so bad for the children

Ex thinks that DS saying he is studying is just an excuse not to visit! It really isn't - DS wants me to buy him a desk for his room because (after coasting through gcses) he's already had a bit of a wakeup call in terms of the demands of AS and can see he really has to put the work in, especially as he's doing 4 fairly tough subjects.

Sitting in your driveway for hours is harassment. I would log that with the police if he tried that again. Seriously, there's no "debating" with a control freak like that. You calmly say no, give a reason why, and say you will call 101 if he turns up to sit on your drive.

Tbh I know it's not as easy as that. I know you could probably do it, but I realise your teenagers would find that almost impossible. So frustrating though.

Id have no problem contacting the police. But theres no point, I've tried in the past but the view is he's not doing anything wrong, there's no court order re contact so they refuse to get involved. Ex knows they will do nothing so it wouldn't deter him one bit, it's just an empty threat.

DS did manage to get agreement to Sunday in the end. However the chances i him deciding not to provide a lift back from the wedding are pretty high now I suspect.

stalking. there was a thread recently... in relationships I think... anyway sitting on your drive in a car could be interpretted as threatening as well... it would scre the shit out of me.

scare

I agree. Sitting in your driveway is nothing to do with contact or court orders. It's intimidating/ scary for YOU.