to ask for your ideas on how to support DH? (moving house related, misery related...)

[suzanski]

We have recently moved house within our city to be in catchment for a better secondary school, to have a better lifestyle with more walking to places and facilities, and to find people "more like us" to live beside. We just didn't feel we fitted in with our neighbours in the old place, and although our DCs made friends, we didn't.

We've been here two months, and my DH said this morning he thinks we have moved to the wrong place, we never see the neighbours, he has been too busy working and doing DIY to take advantage of the nice neighbourhood, we have bought here for an impressive house, but we probably don't fit in here either. It made me really sad.

I'll admit I am finding it tough too - no-one speaks to me in the playground, I don't see the neighbours much either even though I am at home more, but I am enjoying walking to work and walking to the DCs' activities rather than driving, and they are settling in quite well and are making friends.

I probably did like the house more than him, but there wasn't much choice in the area, and we really needed to move. This has left me feeling guilty, and keen to help him in any way I can to enjoy life more here.

He's not a very sociable person, but everyone likes him a lot once they get speaking to him. He's great with the DCs but works long hours.

Thoughts anyone? Moving again is out of the question at the moment!

anyone?

Is there anything social in the area you can go to as a couple?

Also, if someone round you has children the same age, ask them to recommend a babysitter (could be a good conversation starter as well as getting you a babysitter for a night out)?

Have you tried inviting the neighbours round for an informal BBQ/buffet?

You have to give it time. We moved to our present town for DH's job when the DSs were 7 and 6 and I knew no one. We still remember my sobbing about how lonely I was knowing no one and no prospect of doing so. It took about six months to start acquiring a group of friends, and from then on everything was fine. We love it here now.

Is your DH a bit of a glass-half-empty person? He will need to be patient too and think positively rather than making you all miserable.

It takes time to get to know people, to find things you want to do, to settle in to an area.
Dh is obviously missing what has gone and can't get see what new things are on offer.

You may need to do a bit of planning to find things that you can do to meet people.

I have been here for two years and still know no one on friendly terms, are you expecting too much? People don't like the intrusion. Sad I know but eventually you will settle. I feel settled now and have totally relaxed about getting to know neighbours etc. ps my last house was about the same, I only got to know people through the children and my immediate neighbours.

Two months isn't that long, but how much effort have you made?

Do you speak to anyone in the playground?

If your kids have made friends, can you at least introduce yourself to their parents in the playground?

I'm wondering how you see yourselves if you felt that you didn't fit before & might now fit now.

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I had thought about inviting people round, but DH would really need persuading! I have been speaking to people in the playground, but TBH it just gets a bit wearing after a while, as its a huge school and I never seem to see the faces I have spoken to more than once! DH is very glass half empty, and sees my efforts to spruce up the house as unimportant, as he has this bigger problem to deal with.

Diddl I think you have hit the nail on the head - people at the old house were very appearance-conscious (mow your lawn and sweep the last blade of grass from the road, wash your BMW) and keeping up with the Joneses, and we're not like that. New house is in more of a relaxed area, but perhaps our particular street has too many older people and larger houses although ours is a flat. Just looking for nice people who don't care what car you drive, who take their DCs to interesting activities and would come round for the odd drink/coffee.

DH has lost touch with all of his old friends, and mainly goes out with work buddies since we got married and had the DCs.

We relocated 3 years ago and I went to playground and toddler groups, chatted to people at the school but didn't really feel like I was making friends.... Until I got an extra job in the local pub. Now I know everyone!

Be more overtly friendly than normal, making friends takes effort, get chatting to other mums in the playground/park/queue in the cake shop? Can your husbands buddies partners be a way to go as well. And give it time, of course he has spenttime in at DIY haze in a new home, making it 'yours'.... Invite the neighbours for a drink or bbq too, even if they are older they will know other people/have relatives! Our elderly neighbours are priceless/fabulous friends.

Sorry to hear you having a tough time, we've moved round quite a bit and it can seem daunting moving to an area where you don't know anyone. It's great that the kids are settling well, could you strike up conversations with other parents at their out of school activities and then take the next step and invite them to go for a coffee and a natter? Persevere with the parents at school, you'll soon get to know a few, how about inviting DC friends for play dates and invite the parent in for a cuppa too or could you join the PTA? Are there any local groups you or DH could join, do either of you play sport, getting involved with a team sport would be a good way to make friends or if that's not your bag, book clubs or local voluntary group or religious group? If you do things that genuinely interest you then your more likely to meet likeminded people. Good Luck.

When we moved into our road, it was full of old people.

A few years down the line, guess what has happened? The old folks have either passed away or gone into homes, and voila, a lovely street full of families.

How about inviting the mums over for coffee or drinks, if your DH isn't good at social stuff?

Norm I hope you're not advising that the op 'offs' her neighbours in the hope that they get friendlier ones??

Seriously though op, I've lived in my house for 3 years now. I know exactly one new person. I just think that people aren't really interested in becoming friends with their neighbours anymore, especially if they already have their own social circle.

It's so hard to make friends as an adult.

"I had thought about inviting people round, but DH would really need persuading!"

OP can you not put it to him that in order to get friends, he needs to make friends, and this would be a nice way of getting the ball rolling? Otherwise it sounds a little bit like he's expecting other people to make the effort, without him making any effort himself. With the best will in the world, your neighbours are already settled in their lives: the onus is on you two to make your big change in circumstance work, not them. Sounds like you've got some ideas of how to make that happen - so go forth, and make it happen!

I will also agree that 2 months is not really a long time (though I'm sure it feels like it!) so try not to get too disheartened. I'd also add that I've lived in my house 8 years now and still only know my neighbours to say hello to; maybe your husband's expectations are a bit high?

I still think your idea of inviting some of them round is a lovely idea though - go for it!

My dh knows the neighbours better than me just from gardening in the front. He cuts the verges a few up and down the road. He had to knock into a neighbour for help to move something and they're good buds since. Also I've met more people walking the dog than through the dcs.

We moved house two months ago and i have met some friendly people by just charity at the park, at the gym etc but I would be incredibly surprised to have made any proper friends by now! Our neighbours on both sides are friendly and smile, and we chat if we see them, but we're all so busy that it's chatting in passing. Our old neighbours were the same and I think tbh that's pretty normal. I think it just takes time. Moving house is such hard work though, give it some time.