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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to warn her

19 replies

ShelleyGal · 11/09/2014 00:24

I've deleted my Facebook because I really want to warn my xps new gf what she's letting herself in for. My friend knows her, I know her best friends mum and used to babysit her best friend when she was very small. By all accounts, she's a lovely girl.

I'm very aware my ex has probably been telling her I'm nuts, won't let him see his kid etc.. Not true btw.

He was abusive.. Emotionally mostly, occasionally physically until my dog protected me. It got so bad I tried to kill myself. I am genuinely worried for her. I have been free from him for nearly 3 yrs, living in a different town. Which is what his other ex before me had to do, move. My friend who knows her is well aware of what he did to me but I don't think he has said anything. I would appreciate some advice.

OP posts:

CeliaBowen · 11/09/2014 00:26

How does deleting your fb account help this?

Original poster

ShelleyGal · 11/09/2014 00:28

Because at the moment I can't contact her if I don't have Facebook! Which I'm thinking is probably for the best but I don't know..

OP posts:

Maxheadroom2014 · 11/09/2014 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bulbasaur · 11/09/2014 00:30

You could, but you'll just look like a spiteful ex. I might get someone else to talk to her if you could.

aturtlenamedmack · 11/09/2014 00:31

Presumably it eases the temptation for the op to contact the new gf via Facebook.
Op I really sympathise but you'll have to leave it be. Don't involve yourself in the situation at all.
Don't allow yourself to become in any way entangled with this mans life again.
She won't listen, you'll come across as the jealous and bitter ex. Nothing will be gained.
Keep well clear. Hopefully she has a strong network around her who can support her when she needs it.

LiberalLibertines · 11/09/2014 00:33

You need to ask the friend who knows her well. I wonder why they haven't told her already?

PomCuter · 11/09/2014 00:35

I know someone in just this position. The XP had poisoned her against the previous GF, too, he made out the ex was crazy, a liar, the works. And my friend totally believed it. Now the horrible XP is with someone else & is clearly poisoning the new woman against my friend & the previous GF. Quite hard as there are several DCs involved.

In all honesty, she's probably quite unlikely to believe you unless he admits it or he's got a record. Do you think he is more likely to be violent/more violent with her than he used to be with you?

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 11/09/2014 00:37

If it was me I would go and see her best friend and her Mum, they are best placed to help her. It's good of you to do it, she deserves to know.

Original poster

ShelleyGal · 11/09/2014 00:37

Thank you aturtlenamedmack, I was kinda thinking the same and yes the fb deletion is to stop me messaging her while I'm so uncertain it's the right thing to do. I just wanted some clarification to put the guilt to rest if you know what I mean.. Don't really know why I got called needy and a doormat though by another poster since that's really not true! But thank you!

OP posts:

LiberalLibertines · 11/09/2014 00:40

It's the time of night Shelley ...and the big moon

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 11/09/2014 01:17

Er of course tell her.

Why delete FB? Unless to protect your children, In which case fine, but I would be inclined to send her a message and to get the other ex to do the same.

Did U involve the police/SS?

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 11/09/2014 01:20

You are clearly not anyone's doormat as you escaped. Ignore the negatives op and do what your gut tells you is right.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 11/09/2014 01:23

Max are you drunk? Are you ok? What a strange response to the op.

lacksdirection · 11/09/2014 08:02

Here's the script;

Your xp tells his new girlfriend you are desperate to rekindle your relationship with him, you would do anything to resume your relationship but he can't handle your spiteful nasty moods, the way you flip over the slightest thing. The last time he tried to explain he didn't love you anymore, you threatened him with never seeing his kids again. You were possessive, made up so many lies about him so he'd never find anyone else, threatened you'd tell people these lies if he ever met anyone else, you're toxic, bitter and jealous.

His girlfriend feels bad for him that he's gone through so much, while trying to let you down gently. She has no reason not to believe him, after all, he's been nothing short of completely lovely to her.
The only fly in the ointment is that you want to split them up because you think that'll stand you in better stead to get him back yourself but of course she's not stupid enough to believe your spiteful lies.

You rock up a short time later fulfilling all of his predictions by telling her all these awful 'home truths' about the man she loves, this is not a man she recognises.

Conclusion; He is telling the truth, you are bitter and jealous that you let a perfectly good man slip through your fingers and now you'll say anything to split them up and get him back yourself, because of course he's so wonderful. Not a chance of her seeing things from your point of view because in her eyes, you are the problem.

whois · 11/09/2014 08:14

Exactly what lacksdirection said.

You could maybe go and see the best friends mum? Just say you're worried, this is what happened to me, he might have changed and they might have a great relationship but be aware she might need some support in the future? Don't know really how that would work out.

CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant · 11/09/2014 08:15

I understand how you feel but she won't listen to you OP, it's as lacksdirection said :(

londonrach · 11/09/2014 08:17

Agree with lacks direction

Original poster

ShelleyGal · 11/09/2014 08:20

Thank you for the advice, I just don't want anyone else to go through what I did. I ended up on antidepressants etc it was a dreadful time. I know she probably won't believe me and you are all right, I shall not get involved. Thank you again.

OP posts:

Antoniabegonia · 11/09/2014 08:22

You can't really do anything at this stage. The gf will think you are still after 'her' man and are jealous of their relationship. You will actually drive her further into his arms.

Just tell any mutual friends you trust and who know the real score with you and exp that if they detect in the gf any unhappiness or problem with their relationship that you are willing to talk to her about the exp.

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