to not 'know' about taking the plunge

[Kidulike]

I think I need the wise words of MN to help me navigate this one. After a very abusive childhood with a narc mother I found myself a single mum aged 23. Fast forward the next ten years and I went from one rubbish, unsatisfying relationship to another, although always kept my DS away from it and in the meantime built up a good career, bought my own property etc.

Then about nine years ago I met a man who I moved in with. I was never 'sure' about him and I left him a couple of years later, cursing myself for wasting my time and his. I spent the next 6 years dating and single, often meeting emotionally unavailable types so sought therapy and finally, after years of help managed to feel real peace and happiness by myself. Then I met my current DP.

Immediately I liked him and we really got on well and for the first time in my life a 'sorted' man with pretty much everything I look for fell for me straight away and we've been inseparable since. We have so much in common it's unbelievable and sometimes I look at him and feel so happy. Other times I look at him and think: do I really want this?

18 months into our relationship, DP wants us to move in. He wants us to have a baby. I have been broody since I had my DS and would definitely want more kids, but... I just don't feel ready to throw my lot in. But I don't know if I am worried because DP is not 'right' for me or if I am just being over cautious about being left as a single parent with no home, like I was years ago.

Occasionally DP does irritate me, he is very upbeat and although I love him for it sometimes I find him a bit over the top at other times. It's hard to put my finger on, but I go from totally adoring him to feeling hyper critical of him, although I realise this could be dregs of issues from my past.

When do you know for certain you're making the right decision? I hate being in this situation as I am now almost 39 and if I don't decide soon I fear it could be too late to have another family. I have a feeling if I don't take the plunge with DP, I never will, with anyone. Is it just more time I need? Or if I was with the 'right' person would this not be an issue. I really do not want to finish it with DP as I love him, I know this much, but as for selling up, buying a new house (together we could afford a dream home) I am rather terrified.

Any wise words would be much appreciated.

Is there anything about him that seriously worries you? Has he shown abusive tendencies or oddness in anyway, or is it just little annoying things? Every DP on the planet will have annoying things, as two people in a relationship are always going to have some minor things to work through - that's part of the challenge of two separate people coming to live together!

It sounds like he's a good guy, so try to not let your past experiences jade you - it can take time, but try to relax and just take it step by step. It's hard to leave the pain of past relationships behind, but for me I've found it's got easier as we go along, and has really helped me to talk things through with my DH. It wasn't overnight, but my gut instinct has always been that I can trust him, even though he's not perfect and can drive me batty on occasions!

You will never find perfection. It doesn't exist.

I agree with CollCat. It's easy to believe you "just know" when the perfect guy comes along, and at everything is sunshine and rainbows henceforth, but it my experience, this is bollocks (or extremely rare).its normal to have some vague worries because in effect you're taking a huge risk and any huge life changing event involves some risk, and some taking the rough with the smooth. He sounds like he's a great match for you and provided he hasn't raised any red flags, I would just accept the occasional niggle as par for the course. Relationships are about hard work as well as lovely times together.

Apologies for the typos. Bloody ipad! I need to proofread more carefully.

OP, it's my personal feeling that if you're asking MN for guidance then you already really know the answer.
I'm also of the belief that if you're not sure about a relationship then it's better not to bring a child into it just because you fear missing the biological boat, but I realize not everyone follows that school of thought. I also realize that perfection doesn't exist, but when it's right, then the negatives are easy to live with.

If something in my mind was making me have doubts then I'd listen to that instinct. Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear.

Agree with pp that perfection doesn't exist, but I would say that 18months isn't really long enough to know for certain either way. Yes, there will be people who got together and just 'knew' got married immediately etc etc. However I'd imagine that someone with your childhood and relationship history will need a lot longer to learn to trust someone. Don't be tempted to throw your financial and emotional lot in with this guy because of biological clock pressure, if he's the right one, he'll wait and you'll work it out together when you are ready. If he's another wrong un then you don't want to risk everything for the sake of waiting another year or two.

Kidulike

I see your point. I had an abusing Ex and didn't really trust any man after that so was never going to marry again or live with a man again. I met a lovely man who was so different and we'd known each other for only 4 months when he proposed. I could not agree to marriage - too soon. It was another 2 years before I said, "Yes" and I then had a wonderful marriage - so different from the first.....

If he cares about you, he won't mind if you put off moving in so soon. Give it more time, say a year (yes, it seems a long time) and then see how you feel.

In all honest i think you are allowing your past to cloud this for you. As others have said, perfection doesn’t exist and no one is totally loved up all of the time. Partners irritate each other, doesn’t mean you aren’t right for each other.

What i get from your OP is that you’re most successful relationship is with your DS, that’s not a criticism, but you were failed by your mother and by your own admission you had bad previous relationships and after therapy you found peace and happiness by yourself which is what (i believe) brought your current DP into your life.

So do you think on some level you are worried about making another mistake or letting some of that self sufficient happiness go by moving in with him and possibly having a family, to become more reliant on another (your DP) when in the past you have only been let down?

You say you love him and don’t want to lose him but are terrified at the thought of selling up and buying a new house together. So there IMO is your answer, just don’t do that bit. Maybe suggest moving in together in 6 months time, but rent a place together and rent out your home for that period. Thereby not giving up your hard won independence and happiness but not being held back by it either.

Consider it a trial run and if it goes well then sell up and pool your money (if that’s what you both want). I rented with my boyfriend before buying together, seemed the most sensible route to take and especially in your case as you have a son to consider.

Coolcat, no there is nothing at all that seriously worries me! But still, it feels like I have a block about something and I don't know why. I have had so much therapy but wish I felt more certain, sure and confident about making the best decisions.

The thing that jumps out to me is that you don't live together.

I wouldn't have a child with someone unless I'd lived with them for several months and seen how they are to live with (and especially, how they get on with my child)

If you already find him a bit irritating even though you don't live together... that makes me nervous about how you'd find him if you lived together.

I'd say move in, see how you get on in a few months. Appreciate you don't have a lot of time biologically but I think it would be better to risk a few extra months of delay in order to test out the living together, rather than risk getting pg and then finding you can't live with him.

Minipie- for various reasons it's really hard for us to rent together due to massive shortage where we live and we're in insane position that it would be cheaper to buy somewhere big enough for us all to live, also between us we have several pets too which need extra room.

I realise it's stupid to plan a future together before you've tested the water, but it's just the set of circumstances we're in. At the moment we spent about 4 days a week together overnight.

I think I am worried he will let me know, but more so, I am concerned I cannot trust my own depth of feeling.

4 days a week together overnight is a lot but I guess the difference is that still allows you to say "actually stay at yours tonight as I'm feeling grumpy/ill" etc and so you don't see each other at your worst.

It's not stupid to plan a future together before testing the water but it is quite risky to start putting that in place, ie getting pregnant or buying a place together.

Can he not move in to yours for a few months, albeit it will be a bit crowded with the pets, so you can see what it's like living together? If it goes well you can then look into getting a bigger place together...

He doesn't want to move into my place. I understand why as it really is too small for us all and I think would be rather stressful. His place is tiny so that's not an option. We could barely afford to rent a place big enough and it would be an added financial burden we could do without.

I agree it would be best to test the water properly and rent first but it's a big compromise and stressful one. He is very keen just to go for it and buy, he is that certain it would be the right thing to do. At the same time he's not pressurising me, but it's starting to feel like a crunch point will come..

I think his saying your place is too small to move into is a bad sign. My DH and I live in a tiny two bed flat...because that's all we have...we just rub along and make the best of it.

I think couples that really want to be together just do....no matter their situation with accommodation.

Oh and our two children also live with us in our tiny 2 bed flat!

I think the big difference in your thinking is your stage of life.

Your decisions are based on so much more experience than you have when you're younger and just starting out.

I think if you feel cautious it would be better not to proceed than go ahead against your better judgement.

Hmm I agree with MrsWinnibago - if he really wants to live with you surely he'd deal with the lack of space and move in - it would only be a temporary solution to see how things work out after all.

IMO I certainly wouldn't buy a property together (let alone have a baby together) if he's not even willing to deal with a bit of stress by moving into your somewhat-too-small place.

If you're going to be parents together there will be many more stressful things to deal with in the years ahead. Living in a too-small space would be a good test run for how you both deal with stressful situations.

I may be swimming against the tide, but I'd say that you do know when it's 'the one' BUT you know it with warts and all.

I knew DH was the one right off as did he about me, but we knew and accepted each other's faults and those little irritations. Within 20 months we met, married, bought a house & had our first child. That was over 27 years ago, 2 children, life's ups and downs, and we're still going strong. It hasn't always been easy and there have been a couple of really rough patches, but it's always been worth it.