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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They are being Unreasonable! prove that he really is dying!

18 replies

lessthanBeau · 10/09/2014 14:47

at the school where I am a dinner lady (casual contract of 1 term as they trial the new free lunches just started in september) we have a holiday booked in 2 weeks for my terminally ill brother, it was booked before the job was offered in july and was ok'd, I have now been asked to provide proof that my DB is terminally ill, not just for my dds holiday request but also for my job, I have worked at the school on and off for a few years so they know me quite well, apparently a teacher or ta had the day off and was seen at a hen party, I know the request form for the child asks for proof, but my neice who is in the same local authority has not been asked for proof ,so this is the heads/schools request, also as my holiday was already booked it shouldnt matter what reason I have for going on it surely? The admin lady was all very nice about asking me and I thought at first it was a reasonable request, but when I got home and I am thinking about actually having to ask my dying brother for proof of his illness its making me more and more angry and upset that my word is not good enough. Are they being unreasonable and what about my brothers medical confidentiality?

OP posts:
Kendodd · 10/09/2014 14:52

They ABU but, I would provide all the prove they ask for plus add a note from everybody concerned saying how distressing it has been to get the prove they require that your brother is dying together.

effinandjeffin · 10/09/2014 14:55

On the face of it YANBU. But just to tell the other side of the story, I used to work with a woman who was always asking for time off because her mother was on her deathbed. I worked with her for ten years and as far as I know her mother is still with us. Not everyone will be as honest as you and I can (kind of) understand them asking for proof. I'm sorry about your brother Flowers

monal · 10/09/2014 14:57

I have to provide my employer with a letter from my mother's doctor confirming that she is in fact terminally ill, to get unpaid leave to go and look after her. It's something doctors are used to I think, they have to write them to SS for end-of-life benefits as well. It's not that unreasonable and it hopefully shouldn't be that much hassle to get, and they don't have to go into detail about the condition. My letter just says no curative treatment is available and that only palliative care will be given.

Original poster
lessthanBeau · 10/09/2014 15:00

Yes effin, I can see the other side too, but these people know me and I told them about this before I was even hired in july. (thankyou for the flowers)

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 10/09/2014 15:00

If they ok'd the holiday before you even got the job, then its none of their business because they already agreed.

Original poster
lessthanBeau · 10/09/2014 15:08

so sorry about your mum monalFlowers, but I wasnt in this job when I booked the holiday, so it really shouldnt matter why I am having the time off should it? they could have told me this at the time or not offered the job, my main job btw, has been fantastic with holidays cancelled and changed at short notice, and I have been told take whatever you need whenyou need it we can work round it.

OP posts:
Frontier · 10/09/2014 15:08

I can see their POV, although assuming your (and DC) attendance is otherwise good, I would still be vv annoyed to be asked for proof, but I agree, if they knew of and agreed the holiday before appointing you then why you're having it is irrelevant anyway.

Kendodd · 10/09/2014 15:08

I used to work with a woman who was always asking for time off because her mother was on her deathbed.

I have a friend who's nan was on her deathbed for about three years. First she was given only three months to live, in and out of hospital, calls in the middle of the night to come as say goodbye, each time the nan recovered a bit and was no longer deemed to be in immediate danger. This did go on for a long time and was very very stressful for the family.

externalwallinsulation · 10/09/2014 15:39

It sounds like you're the victim of a new policy that's been brought in because of the bad behaviour of another member of staff. It sucks that you have to prove it, but it doesn't sound like they are doubting your word personally If they have other members of staff who take the mickey, they have to be seen to be treating everyone the same.

Sorry about your brother. I hope you have a lovely holiday.

icymaiden · 10/09/2014 16:08

If the holiday was agreed with your employers before you started, then it doesn't matter whether you are spending it drinking beer and playing skittles!

Curlyweasel · 10/09/2014 16:33

They ABU not to honour the holiday previously agreed without asking for proof.

They ANBU to ask for proof in order to take your DD out of school.

Hard to call - as both things are interrelated/occur at the same time.

Surely the HM has discretion in situations like this?

effinandjeffin · 10/09/2014 16:38

kendodd I can assure you that this womans mother was in perfect health. This was just one tiny little thing in a whole web of deceit which I won't go into here. lessthen you're right, if you booked the holiday before they set you on and they knew about it, you shouldn't have to provide proof, especially since I assume they won't be paying you if it's a casual contract (not that that's the point).

Bulbasaur · 10/09/2014 16:56

When I was in college, everyone's grandmas were mysteriously dying right around final exams because it gave kids an extra 2 weeks for their projects and then they could ask friends what was on the tests. The school had to ask for death certificates, which was distressing for the people that were telling the truth.

Thanks Sorry about your brother.

I'd provide the proof for now and perhaps take it up with HR (or the equivalent) later.

DeWee · 10/09/2014 18:15

I wish that when people lie/prime their dc to lie about things like this they could realise the repercussions that go onto people who really are in that situation.
It's them people should be cross with, not the people having to introduce checks.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 10/09/2014 18:29

I'm very sorry about your brother. I agree you should get whatever proof they require, but I would make a complaint about how insensitive it is, and also point out that your holiday is already booked and asking for proof retrospectively is very unfair. The very least you deserve from this is an apology, they have gone out of their way to make a difficult situation worse for you.

I had this trestment when I lost my stepfather to a brain tumour while I was at university, I failed to get into third year as I got the news he was dying just before my exams. They rejected my appeal and when I offered to provide a death certificate they said there was no point as they didn't believe me anyway and I was forced to leave the course. I was devestated to be treated like that but I was only 19, I think if it happened to me now I'd handle it better.

nocheeseinhouse · 10/09/2014 19:38

It is tricky, those who are doubting those with a 'dying' relative who is doing so or years, because the sick often don't just 'hurry up and die, won't you!' Their condition can wax and wane, and someone can be 'dying' for a good long time. This can be even more stressful for the poor carer, than a 2 week final illness. Sadly, we don't get an EDD (estimated date of death) for our relatives, and we can't afford to say 'ah, I'm sure this time, I don't need to take time off.' because this time could be the last time, and if you love them, and they want you beside them, you'd be a hard person to say 'nah, my boss is sick of you and your renal failure crying wolf, mum.'

QOD · 10/09/2014 19:51

I had to cancel a train journey once, I'd insured the tickets but my friend had a miscarriage (5th and final ivf :( ) - I could only claim back if I got df to get her dr to do me a ketter .... Yeah right.

RocksRCool · 10/09/2014 19:52

Sorry to hear about your DB Thanks

I would deal with this by just going along with it. I know that's a bit passive but I think it's not worth the headspace to get cross about it. IYSWIM

I'm sure no one wants to upset you or your family on purpose.

Hope you all have a good holiday.

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