Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DP

27 replies

AlexVause82 · 10/09/2014 12:13

A few weeks ago my DP was very ill with a horrid cold and chest infection etc. I came straight home from work in the evenings and made stew from scratch, none of this tinned stuff. Brough food to bed and kept a steady supply of lemsips, orange juice and whatnot so she didn't have to move a muscle.

Fast forward to this week, I have an ear infection, vomitting, general cold, bad chest and feel like shit.

She has had a go at me for taking time off (although I pushed her into this argument by constantly asking if it was ok financially for me to take another day off). She became irate by saying it was my life and I can take off whetever I want etc etc. She came home from work Monday and went straight on the PC playing The Sims...didn't spend any time with me. Yesterday she went to her mums after work and had dinner there whilst I was at home in bed, too weak to cook.

I am now back in work and wondering if she cares at all

#dramatic
#grumpy
#ill

OP posts:
halfpastshite · 10/09/2014 12:20

Pretty poor show on her part. I dated someone like this, pretty much the same as you, cooked and looked after him. I then caught his illness and he came home and declared he was out to watch football until I pointed out what a jerk he was.

What's the relationship like apart from this? Does she think you're faking? Are they stressed about the money?

Get well soon.

ChasedByBees · 10/09/2014 12:22

That's pretty selfish. Have you raised it with her?

DoJo · 10/09/2014 12:24

Well, she sounds delightful! Did she appreciate your efforts when she was ill? Does she think you are over-egging the extent of your symptoms? Or is she always rubbish with people who are ill? Not that there is any excuse for her being so thoughtless, but otherwise I cannot fathom how someone can see the person they love suffering and not want to help them in any way they can!

Original poster
AlexVause82 · 10/09/2014 12:30

I don't know, she's not very empathetic when I think about it...

Generally we get on great.

Sometimes she is a knob, I often think that she doesn't respect my feelings, yet if I bring it up she is genuinely upset that she hadn't noticed how neglectful her behaviour was.

She is a little younger than me, TBH she reminds me a little of me when I was younger, not that she is v Young, she's just turned 26 and I am 32.

I remember being her age with someone my age and I admit I did do a lot of growing up in that relationship.

But no, I am not making excuses for her, I'm pissed off but don't want an argument

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 10/09/2014 12:33

What are you getting out of this relationship, OP? It sounds pretty one-sided to me.

femin · 10/09/2014 12:34

Am I right that you had 2 days ill off work? If that is all you had off maybe she thinks you were making a big deal out of nothing.

Original poster
AlexVause82 · 10/09/2014 12:35

Sometimes I think we don't fit, other times the thought of leaving her terrifies me. Where would I go? I would miss her so much - I do love her, I just think she's not good enough for me and I deserve to be treated better

OP posts:
LividofLondon · 10/09/2014 13:02

Alex, you do deserve to be treated better! If I had a partner who behaved like that to me it would be strike 1 (and that would be if I'm feeling particularly generous). I simply wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone so selfish and lacking in empathy.

Original poster
AlexVause82 · 10/09/2014 13:52

I know but I love her very much :(

OP posts:
Keletubbie · 10/09/2014 14:16

If you don't think she's good enough for you, surely you're doing nobody any favours by carrying on?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2014 14:21

It's pretty obvious when you had just finished caring for her and she doesn't for you.

googoodolly · 10/09/2014 14:22

femin what's that supposed to mean? Not everyone can afford to have loads of time off when they're sick. I don't get sick pay for the first three days (neither does DP) and neither of us can afford to have time off unless we're vomiting, basically. It doesn't mean OP wasn't ill, it means he had to go to work to pay his bills!

OP, that sounds horrible Sad you deserve someone who'll take care of you when you're sick. What are her good qualities? Is this her first serious relationship?

Lweji · 10/09/2014 14:31

It looks to me like you need a new better partner.
What if you had children?
Or if you are more seriously ill?

PS - not on Twitter, so forget the hashtag things, please. (annoying things) :)

externalwallinsulation · 10/09/2014 14:44

First things: don't deal with this now. There is nothing that makes you feel worse when you are ill than a domestic row! You just don't have the energy to deal with it. Focus on getting better as much as you can. If you are really struggling on the practical side of things, maybe send her a text or something asking her nicely to buy you some soup on the way home, explaining that you're not well enough to cook ('I'm so sorry to ask this, but would you mind, I'd be so grateful etc etc.). It may be that she needs prompts like this to know what to do. Some people are not natural caters and find it hard to learn, but get there in the end. You would think they would work out what to so by thinking what they would like in your shoes, but some people honestly can't think like this.

Secondly: she sounds childish, but she is quite young and perhaps she has got used to you caring for her without realising that grown ups have to reciprocate? This is something to raise when you feel a bit stronger, gently, to see what her reaction is.

externalwallinsulation · 10/09/2014 14:45

*carers

Original poster
AlexVause82 · 10/09/2014 15:50

This is her second serious relationship.

I don't know whether it's because I'm ill but I feel a little resentment towards her right now.

Like for a while now she insists on having the puppy in bed with us, its me the puppy keeps up all night, to the point where one night I slept on sofa and no, she didn't come to get me. She see's everything as a joke, she thinks i'm funny and laughs at my misfortunes (not serious ones, like tripping over or something).

I don't think she has any respect for me and that sucks

P.S I'm female :)

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexVause82 · 10/09/2014 15:51

And no, I couldn't afford to have more than 2 days off, we are going on Holiday in November which she keenly reminded me of.

I am in work now and will work on Saturday to make up some hours

OP posts:
partyskirt · 10/09/2014 15:54

I think it sounds not good OP -- she's not treating you as she should.

It sounds like she's got too much of a thick skin and not enough humility (and as always with these types, super-sensitive about themselves only).

Sounds like a heroic effort with the stew, well done.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2014 15:59

Laughs at misfortunes if everyone, including you, is laughing = fine.

Laughs at misfortune when you are hurt or feeling bad or humiliated = very bad.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2014 16:00

BTW I assumed you were a woman. Does that mean I assume that stew from scratch, none of this tinned stuff. Brough food to bed and kept a steady supply of lemsips, orange juice and whatnot so she didn't have to move a muscle means you must be? How depressing.

Thumbwitch · 10/09/2014 16:05

YANBU, she is completely taking you for granted and cba to be kind to you in return.

You might love her very much, but I don't think she necessarily feels the same way about you, sadly. :(

Original poster
AlexVause82 · 10/09/2014 16:17

No Terry, a previous Poster referred to me as a man

jeez

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2014 17:41

Oh, maybe they have a stew-making, Lemsip-toting, OJ-squeezing DH. Who looks like Hugh Jackman. And, rubs their feet while they watch crap on telly...

Original poster
AlexVause82 · 10/09/2014 18:35

Simply pointing out their mistake...

OP posts:
sanfairyanne · 10/09/2014 18:43

some people are crap at this kind of thing
my dh is like this
he cares
in his way