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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have another baby? What would you do?

21 replies

AskBelieveReceive · 09/09/2014 22:34

Hi,

After some advice as I am totally unsure on what to do and i'm hoping some outside perspective would help.

DD turned 5 yesterday, she has just started full time school, i'm engaged to her Father and we are very happy, i'm 30 in December (If all this is relevant?)

DP is desperate for another baby, I am totally unsure and I know i'll never be completely sure. I'm so unsure due to finance and career issues and simply cannot make a decision.

I work PT, i'm classed as self employed but I work for a Company. The money is crap and the job is quite stressful, this is relevant as if I had another baby there is certainly no guarantee that I could return to this position. I am desperate for a decent career, there is a particular field I want to work in (not an easy field to get into) and I do as a many hours of voluntary work in this field as I can and am just waiting (and desperately hoping) for things to start working out for me. I couldn't do any more or try any harder to get into proper employment in this field. It's very frustrating, but I will never give up!

DP is self employed. Slowly but surely he is progressing in his work and earning more. He assures me that we are going to be just fine, we will cope and things will continue to get better. Unfortunately we rely on some (not much, just the small amount we are entitled to but that helps greatly) tax credits at the moment but we don't receive any housing benefit or anything like that. Money isn't tight, we are coping, but I feel really uncomfortable about relying on state handouts. It literally racks me with guilt and I cannot wait for the day that we no longer have to (DP assures me that this day is coming, but I "what if?" everything. He obviously cannot be sure.

Thing is, if I have another baby then that is more government money that I would have to claim. The majority of my friends receive tax credits and I know it's the norm for alot of families nowadays but for some reason it makes me feel so uncomfortable. What if they where suddenly taken away and we couldn't manage without them? I would also feel guilty bringing another child into the world whilst taking other tax payer's money.

The other thing is my career. I am desperate to contribute more to our family and want the security of my own decent money, but what if I keep putting having another child off and in 3 years from now I still haven't progressed any further in my working life? I feel like time is ticking for me in terms of career, but if i'm going to have another child then I would rather do it sooner than later, i'm happy to balance and lucky to have some family support.

I am full of what if's, their never seems to be a right time to have our second (and final!) child. DD is desperate for a brother or sister and DP doesn't want any larger a gap than there is now, he is really broody! I'd love another one, but should I wait until I make some headway in my career? Even though that day could be a long way off?

WWYD in my position? Would you get it out the way soon and hope for the best or would you put it off in the hope you manage to sort your own career out eventually? Thank you if you made it this far!

OP posts:

dorasee · 09/09/2014 22:42

Go for it. You just never ever know how life goes, honestly. You are 30 now but trust me, you could wait and then the waiting will become a habit and then suddenly you're in your late 30s and that baby isn't coming. I am not saying that this will happen, but it's all too common an outcome for women nowadays. Two things are for sure: You will never, ever be ready for baby no.2 (we're never 'ready') BUT you will never, ever, ever regret baby no. 2.
Make babies while you're young. :-)

MrsMook · 09/09/2014 22:47

I've had my lucky break since having DS2. Temporary what ifs, like waiting 6 months on the outcome of a contract are one thing, but ongoing what ifs are another. TTC#2 is far more daunting than the first.

gwhappylife · 11/09/2014 21:30

We pay tax, that's just that. What the government decided to do with it is out of our control. We have to contribute and I think it's terrible whenever I hear "taking our money". blah blah.. fortunes change and those same people may one day need to rely on it

Do what you feel is right. if you want another go for it, but do consider your finances as struggling can't be fun with two small kids. Don't let the "shame" be a deciding factor

Musicalia · 11/09/2014 21:31

Do it!

Sassyb0703 · 11/09/2014 22:43

You will never look at no.2 and regret him/her but it sounds like there is every possibility you would deeply regret not going for it. As for tax credits being 'taking tax payers money'..well you and dp pay tax I presume ? so no reason to feel the slightest twinge of guilt.

littlejohnnydory · 11/09/2014 22:52

I'd have the baby.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 11/09/2014 23:00

I'd have the baby.

There's no point in deliberately creating a situation where you have a much older child and then a newborn baby and another career break - it would be much better to keep the age gap closer if you can and nicer for DD.

I'd keep doing as much in your chosen field as you can and read/study/do whatever you can to put yourself in the strongest position possible to go into it as soon as you can when you are ready to return to work.

As for Tax Credits - I don't see them as being 'on benefits'. If my tax goes towards you being able to have another baby then I'll happily pay it :)

LucyBabs · 11/09/2014 23:17

Oh God I'll be flamed for this but I feel you actually can regret having a child/ 2nd child etc.. op if it was me I would get my career on track as you so badly want and then talk about another baby. Best of luck

minipie · 11/09/2014 23:32

I'd wait up to say 3 years and see where you can get to with your career. A 6 year age gap is already a big gap tbh, an extra 2-3 years won't really make a difference IMO.

LadyRabbit · 11/09/2014 23:35

You're only 30 - you have AGES. Get your career on track if it's something you really want.
Men never have to have these conversations with themselves. Ever noticed that?

CatHackney · 12/09/2014 00:21

Imagine yourself aged 70 looking back on your life. What would you regret more? There is risk and uncertainty in either choice. Personally, I think that most people these days will be working until they're 70, so you have a long time ahead of you to get into a career you want, but there are greater time pressures on a second child, if you want one. Most people receive "help" of one sort or another - if not tax credits, then childcare vouchers (i.e. tax exemptions!) and child benefit, and, to be fair, free state education and free health services provided by taxpayers. Children are expensive.

AlpacaLypse · 12/09/2014 00:32

Please don't think of WTC as 'benefits' in a Jeremy Kyle sort of way. Most families I know of are receiving them, even comparatively well off ones. It's just a factor of the rather cock-eyed way tax is organised at the moment (whole other thread...)

There is no such thing as the 'right' time to have a baby. You say in your para 7 I'd love another one, - and

To me that's the only really important part, in the greater scheme of things. All the other factors of your OP are temporary, only applicable to right now. But your body will only still be thirty years old for less than another year, and in a very few years will be substantially less prepared to carry another child, and afterwards to run after it.

however · 12/09/2014 00:38

My best career progression seemed to happen in my late 30s early 40s after I'd had all my kids.

I'd do it now.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 12/09/2014 00:46

I think it depends what the career is that you're trying to get into and how you are trying to break into it.

WyrdByrd · 12/09/2014 00:57

I think I'd put having another first if I were in your shoes.

When DD was at the age I thought I might like to try for another (3), I was made redundant and my being out of work took the possibility straight off the table - I didn't even consider it as an option.

I ended up being at home for 18 months, and we managed - it was thought at times but it was ok.

DD is 10 this weekend - we never had that second child. They were other factors besides the redundancy and I can't say I regret as such, but if I could go back I probably would say 'to hell with it' and have tried for another.

Not having a second child has had no impact whatsoever on my career, which has now pretty much got to a 'stalemate' situation. Nothing to do with my efforts or family situation, just an unfortunate change of management at the wrong time which had put the kibosh on any progression within my current job for the time being.

SoonToBeSix · 12/09/2014 01:01

Yabu to call tax credits state handouts. Try looking up the old tax credit adverts on you tube.

Musicalia · 12/09/2014 07:50

"You're only 30, you have AGES"

If the OP were 20, that would be true - but 30 isn't exactly young...

Fairylea · 12/09/2014 08:00

Go for it.

It's only this bloody government that's got everyone thinking tax credits are something to be ashamed of. Like Soontobesix says look up the old adverts on you tube.

Don't feel bad. Just do whatever is best for you.

I had my second baby ten years after my first (I'm in my 30s) and am now a sahm with a dh working minimum wage (or just above). Never been happier. We manage with tax credits etc. Everyone judges you whatever you do anyway so you might as well do what makes you happy.

Shroomboom · 12/09/2014 09:27

Just do it!
We started trying when I was 32 for dc2 and it took until I was 38 for dd to arrive. You never know what is going to happen… May as well try sooner than later!

hellsbellsmelons · 12/09/2014 09:33

There are a heck of a lot of 'what if's' in there.
You could keep adding to that list and it won't get you what you want.
There's never a 'perfect' time for a baby.
If you really do WANT to extend your family and have another child then do it.
If you really aren't sure, then please don't.
It will put a lot of strain on you and you could regret it.
If you decide along with your DF that you do want another then go for it.
Get the kids out of the way then focus on your career.

OrangeTart · 12/09/2014 09:48

I would try now, the more time to conceive the better. You don't want to leave it and then it doesn't happen.

We set 30 as the limit for my childbearing years (due to health reasons so nobody say 30 is young, for my body it isn't). We tried for a third whilst I was 28 and 29 it didn't happen. Although I am only 31, I already feel bad that it didn't happen.

And the Tax Credit thing is red herring, it is not the same as being on benefits and is only ever temporary.

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