Was I an insensitive cow?

[MrsWicket]

Background: after a lot of agonising, finally had to give notice to childminder 3 weeks ago. Struggling with money at the moment and have managed to find another childminder who is cheaper. The kids have been going to old cm for quite a few years so I felt bad about letting her go. Fast forward to today. DH rings to say he's stuck in traffic and is going to be late home. I ring old cm to let her know as she drops the kids off of an evening and she says she can't hang around as she's got to go somewhere. Can't get hold of mil so ring new cm who lives near us, she can have kids till DH gets back. Call back old cm who the proceeds to have a go at me telling me how insensitive I was being making her drop the kids off to her replacement. I didn't say she was the new cm just a friend so I can only gather that she has managed to get some info from the kids even though I asked them not to discuss the new arrangements. She then said she'd heard that I had booked a holiday next year and she thought I had no money etc. I hate confrontation and I found myself justifying everything - parents gave me some money and it's my first holiday in 8 years. The fact that old cm has managed to afford a holiday every year is by the by. She then said I might get a letter from the tax office as they might think she's lied about her income for the year now let her go?? Got home to very upset kids had had to listen to old cm moaning about how awful I was. Did I make a huge faux pas? Have I been an insensitive old bag?

No, but your old childminder was. I'm shocked she spoke about you in front I your children like that.

You probably weren't very sensitive asking your recently dismissed CM to drop your dc off with your new CM, but if your DH was going to be late you didn't have much choice.

Either way, she is behaving far more unprofessionally, so I wouldn't worry about it.

No, you haven't. (However, you did push your luck a little getting the soon-to-be-ex Cm to take the children to the new one! Even if the circumstances were unavoidable).

How many more days do the kids have to endure?

What Woo said. It probably wasn't the most sensitive thing to do, no, but she was unprofessional to speak about you like that.

I can understand why cm was a bit miffed but she seems to have gone a bit ott. Try not let it bother you do you have to see her again?

She was highly unprofessional so it sounds a very good job indeed you are changing CMs. Can you switch early? She may well give your children another earful next time.

Your holiday and finances are NONE of her business. For all she knows you could be able to afford this holiday next year only because you are sacking her. But that's by the by, if she brings it up again you could say "My financial arrangements are none of your business."

Childminders do tend to know others locally / go to playgroups together and talk. So they're likely to know each other.

But she was spectacularly out of line to go into it like that. Also very silly, if she's going to spout off about you having plenty of money (in her opinion) it'll make anyone listening thinking there might be another reason you've moved elsewhere. Clearly she's stressed about her loss of livelihood, but something to share with close friends.

And I don't even think you did anything wrong with the drop-off either. She is obviously charging too much.

Won't she want a reference from you?

Thanks for the replies. I know it wasn't ideal but I never said she was new cm just a friend she must have put two and two together. I said just drop outside - I wouldn't have expected her to knock or anything. Old cm finishes on Friday but I'm tempted to call it a day tomorrow.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You are allowed to change CM'ers.

You were being sensitive to your old CM'er as you told her to drop the kids at your friends house.

I guess now that this has happened you won't feel so bad that you are changing CM'ers.

The childminders in this area all tend to know each other, so perhaps this was the case here. This is by the by but did you give old cm a reason for leaving? Did you tell her you couldn't afford a cm anymore?

Was completely upfront with both effin. Simply cannot make my money stretch anymore and sick of being overdrawn every month. My sis is helping out a couple of days a week and combined with the new cm saves me quite a lot. I cried when I told old cm I was giving her notice because I felt so bad as I know money is a worry for a lot of people. I must be too nice

Maybe after such a long relationship with you and your children she feels 'part of the family' - did you tell her you were struggling and give her the opportunity to let you pay less? She is running a business but even they offer discounts etc to loyal customers they want to keep...
And I would be amazed if a local cm didn't know another one ...

I didn't say she was the new cm just a friend so I can only gather that she has managed to get some info from the kids even though I asked them not to discuss the new arrangements.

Kids are terrible secret keepers.

But you were not BU. If she wouldn't work for a lower price, then that's her loss. Not much you can do about it.

She sounds extremely unprofessional - good thing you're switching. She's shooting herself in the foot re references. If you're able to cover the final few days elsewhere then I'd be tempted to pull your dcs out early.

Enjoy your holiday next year! It sounds well deserved.

And yes it wasn't ideal to get her to drop off at the new cm, but it sounds like you had no choice and it was a last minute, last resort. As parents, we do what we have to do. She's an adult, she should act like one.

I hate the cm relationship! I don't think "normal" people (like me) should be respsonsible for so much of someone else's income on a quasi-employer basis (I know they are technically self employed, but you know what I mean) because it makes you feel like Lady Muck, and you worry that they resent you, and yet you still have no fecking spare money.

Sorry just wanted to sympathise.

The CMs probably all know each other, so there was never any way the old CM wouldn't know who the new CM was. It might have been better to be upfront? Maybe not, if your old CM is going to be so silly it was always going to be a car crash.

My CM was apparently resentful (slightly PA) that her rate was too low. I suggesting putting it up to the hourly rate that she wanted but moved my work around to cut the hours. (there were other reasons for this - to do with her son's new school, I wasn't happy that one day my dcs would basically be spending far too long in the car one day, so cutting that day seemed best for both of us)

Now she still seems pissed off - as overall, she isn't earning more in absolute terms - she seems to want to organise my dcs lives around her son's school in another town, and be paid top rate for it. I am sorry her son's schooling is so complicated but i can't be expected to pay for her time looking after her son. I can't work and get paid for it when I am with my dcs, which is the whole thing of why I need a CM!

In general she is a great CM and I love the activities she does with the children and her general approach. I just feel that the whole money side is fraught with resentment as she can't know what a struggle it always is - yet why should she have to know? why should i have to justify myself? At the same time, there is no way she is overpaid. I would love her to be paid better. but paying her hourly rate for 2 dcs, after tax, really adds up - it's over twice our mortagage