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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it bad form to go to Wake if you didn't go to funeral?

18 replies

Funeraldilemma · 09/09/2014 21:22

Have NC for this as don't want to be identifed!!

I have a very close friend I have known for over 30 years. Her father just died. It was sad but expected.

My job means that this is absolutely the busiest time of year for me, so when she invited me to his funeral, my first response was no, so sorry I cannot go.

It's a cremation in the centre of a city which will take me about 45 mins each way to get to and from, and then the wake is in our village pub, which I can walk to.

I have reflected on my decision, and worked out that if I work from home all morning, I will have time to go to the wake for an hour or so, and offer her some support, then come home and carry on working. However, I really cannot go to the actual funeral as well.

Is it bad form to do this? I really honestly do not know. The last thing I want to do is to upset or offend her but I do think she would probably be pleased if I go to the wake.

Is anyone a funeral etiquette expert that can help me out here?

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 09/09/2014 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuperLoveFuzz · 09/09/2014 21:29

I think it's sad you can only spare one hour when your close friend's dad has died. Surely there is another day/time you can make up the work? This is a one off and should come before work IMO.

BadRoly · 09/09/2014 21:29

I didn't go to fil's funeral but did go to the wake. Mil didn't want the dc at the crem so it was the best solution we could come up with. No one who mattered seemed to mind.

phantomnamechanger · 09/09/2014 21:29

I agree with Euph.
In fact, knowing you could walk to the wake, I would be upset if you were unwilling to find half an hour to bother.

BelleateSebastian · 09/09/2014 21:30

I did the same for my friends mums funeral, couldnt get time off for the funeral but wanted to still give her a big cuddle and be there for her

Original poster

Funeraldilemma · 09/09/2014 21:33

phantom usually I would be an hour away at work but could make special arrangements to work from home on this day so that I can attend the wake.

Sorry I didn't make it clear I don't normally work from home. I work for admissions in an FE college so it's all hands on deck at the moment.

Obviously I couldn't actually get any time off this time of year, all leave is banned, and saying you want to go to your friends Dads funeral just wouldn't cut it tbh.

Thanks for the responses everyone.

OP posts:

ravenAK · 09/09/2014 21:34

I think it's fine.

A teaching colleague & friend of mine recently died in tragic & unexpected circumstances. School could only spare a few of us to attend the funeral, so most of the rest of us attended the wake, which took place in the late afternoon.

Family really appreciated so many of their son/brother's colleagues paying their respects.

Original poster

Funeraldilemma · 09/09/2014 21:34

AGGGHHHHHH!! Sorry not phantom - that was for super

Apologies - had a vodka or three Been a bad week.

OP posts:

SuperLoveFuzz · 09/09/2014 21:35

Sorry OP, I misinterpreted what you said. I thought it sounded like you could have the time off but were choosing to work. I think the fact you're doing your best to be there will be appreciated.

Original poster

Funeraldilemma · 09/09/2014 21:36

No worries, I should have made my OP clearer

OP posts:

dalziel1 · 09/09/2014 21:37

Not an expert (thankfully) but I think its bad form.

However, if you explain/ask in advance, focussing on the impossibility rather than the inconvenience, then it should be ok.

She'll want to know you care, rather than that you care but only so far as you are not too inconvenienced.

MrsMinton · 09/09/2014 21:37

In my experience you aren't really aware of who is there at the service. It was after I appreciated seeing everyone.

puntasticusername · 09/09/2014 21:38

I'm sorry your friend has lost her dad. If you two are very close, aren't you beyond "etiquette" per se? If I was her, and you told it to me the same way you have done here, I'd just be glad you could be at the wake for even an hour. It wouldn't cross my mind to stress about anything else. She will have plenty else on her mind as it is! Is there a particular reason why you think she may mind...? What you are suggesting seems totally reasonable to me, you already seem to be putting yourself out as far as you reasonably can.

Original poster

Funeraldilemma · 09/09/2014 21:40

Yes that is exactly it dalziel that is what I am worried about. That it looks like I am saying I can't be arsed to trek all the way over to the crem but I will fluff along the road to the wake and expect everyone to be thrilled I have made a tiny bit of effort.

I will have to ask my boss if it is OK but I think she won't mind so long as the work gets done. I will have to bring a big bundle of work home with me but I drive so it won't get left on a train or anything!!

OP posts:

Redglitter · 09/09/2014 21:42

I don't see why you it would be a problem. Personally speaking I couldn't tell you who was at my dads funeral ot wasn't til we got to the hotel I had a chance to talk to people and see who was there. At the crematorium seeing who was there just wasn't on my radar. Tbh half the people at the hotel might not have been at the service and I'd be none the wiser.

Please don't be put off going to the wake if that's all you can manage. Realistically that's when your friend will appreciate you more x

Original poster

Funeraldilemma · 09/09/2014 21:45

Thanks everyone - I think I will go then. I will sort it with my boss tomorrow.

My own Dad died a couple of years ago but his funeral was in a different county where he lived so it was just family and his friends so it never crossed my mind to invite my friends.

OP posts:

cherrybombxo · 09/09/2014 21:45

I get it, I used to work in Admissions at a RG university so I understand when you say that you really can't go. There were entire months of the year that no-one could get any leave at all.

I say go to the wake, I'm sure your friend will be glad that you managed that.

crazylady321 · 09/09/2014 22:01

I cant imagine anyone will mind, its not like you are close family sure your friend will understand and have her family around her for support :)

My DPs great aunt died recently and he had to work as already taking time off to attend our baby scan the day before. He ended up finishing work early and went to the wake in his work gear he said he felt a right twit in his smelly work clothes but his family were just happy he had turned up

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