Downside of new career?? Continue or reconsider?

[Deedaadeedaadee]

I have recently stepped into a new career, one that has taken doing a PhD, working my arse off and generally changing a lot. I love it on a day to day basis, I am fulfilled, happy, interested and think what I am doing is really worthwhile. Our income is higher, we can afford a decent standard of living for our children and are generally a very, very happy family. The career itself is going very well and is proving very promising in so much that I am being recommended for promotions which I didn't expect to even look at for another year or two, so all looks good. I have been doing this for over a year now and still love it completely, however when I started I was excused from the trips away and conferences as my son was only 4 months old and ebf. A year later and it is clear I have to now participate in this part. I HATE being away. In the day I am engaged and happy and enjoy what I am doing but at night I am so lonely and miss my husband and children so, so much!! We rely on my income as my husband does most of the childcare. It is likely I will be away now 4-6 days out of every month or two. Have I made a mistake in changing careers?

That's the disadvantage of a more highly paid career. 4-6 days every month if two isn't that bad surely.

Unfortunately very few jobs are perfect.

If you are in a career that you love and which earns enough to enable your DCs to be cared for primarily by their father, then that seems to me to be a reasonable swap for 4-6 days away every one - two months.

However I'm not you - so you are the only one who can make that decision.
Also if you hate being away you need to think very carefully about promotions in case they require more travel.

In the big picture Suefla you are right, 4-6 days isn't a lot. I think it is just because I am currently on day two of the first trip, just sat in the restaurant with a family with their babies next to me and then phoned home to say goodnight to children who just got upset that I wasn't their and DH suggested it may be better I didn't phone to say goodnight but chatted in day instead. Left me feeling thoroughly miserable and like I've made a huge mistake and very, very homesick.

You'll get used to it, you really will. Are your trips in the UK? In the UK, I pick up dinner from the supermarket (if I'm away on my own), go running or swimming if theres a pool, then watch a DVD on my laptop while I paint my nails. Overseas its harder to just pick up dinner, so if I'm on my own I tend not snaffle some fruit at breakfast to have later. Find nice things to do for yourself - a long soak in the bath and an early night did it for me when ds was tiny.

When ds was little, I never spoke to him when I was away as it confused him. At 8 he's very relaxed about it all!

So much about this job makes your life good and fulfils you. I guess you need to decide whether you wish to give this up to avoid what is only a few days away and take on a job which could create a different set of problems. Perhaps when feeling sad and lonely is not the time to be reconsidering. Try to look at the bigger picture. Feel for you though as I miss my teenage kids when they are staying away somewhere.

If it's day 2 of your first trip then I would say you just have to give it more time, the children will in time get used to this being the routine and you'll find more to occupy you during the evenings.

Thanks CMOT that has helped - as for UK and abroad bit of both really. I also think it is a very similar network of people who go to these things and none of whom I yet know. According to other colleagues they now meet up with people wherever they are have dinner together etc and this will come for me.Its the first time I have ever left my children over night, and up until 1 month ago I was still bf and co-sleeping with the youngest so it feels very alien being here.

Thanks, just spoken to DH he said the same, said I am just having a wobble as first time but reminded me of all the plus points we now have, stability after years of both of us working in unstable jobs, the job is flexible enough that I work most evenings but can take a day off a week etc. Trying to catch up on work now but feeling bit blue - will harden up and appreciate how lucky we are!

You really will get used to it and so will your family. Not that they will necessarily stop guilt tripping your though.

I am also lucky that DP is DS primary carer, and I can be sure he is lovingly looked after, even if meals can be a little haphazard . We love Skype and make sure we talk at least once a day.

Early trips were difficult (and messy at times - I cried at expressing in Dublin airport toilets and pouring precious milk down the loo), but now they are just part of life, one of the things Mammy does.

If its that sort of group, then you'll soon get to know people and be out with them. I'm off to a conference in the US on Thursday for a week, and its more a matter of turning things down tbh. I'll be out of my room from 6am-11pm (and lets not talk about why I got talked into a 5k race one morning at 6.30am)

Cheers bearhug, I think the guilt is the killer but I know both DS's are happy with their Dad and DH is a wonderful, wonderful father. At least it is legitimately nearly bedtime!

Oh and I remember expressing in airport toilets and on planes! My first trip after ds, I had to tell a customer that I needed a break to go and express . Fortunatly they were swedish, didn't turn a hair, and they set me up a lovely room with drinks, a comfy chair etc

Is it academia?

I go away a couple of nights most months with my fabulous and the rest of the time very flexible job. You do get used to it and may in time come to see it as a little break (I know I do, though my children are older than yours - 7 and 5 when I started - and having long-term bf and co-slept myself I relly get how hard it is to be away overnight initially. Are you still bf?).

Yes picardy and I love it but just need to get used to it I suppose. ds2 stopped bf a month or so ago so that helps a bit.

I used to travel for 3 months of the year. Just plan for it.

As others have said - hotel gyms, Ipads are invaluable - take a box set you've been meaning to watch. I used to take my pedicure set and do my feet and nails.

Others on my team were taking Yoga mats and apps for an inroom work out. If we wanted to spend time with each other we'd try new restaurants or visit something touristy.

If you love the job apart from the travel, I would stick with it. You've sacrificed a lot to get into the field so it is too soon to give up after just a year.

My DH loves his job, works for his dream company, but he hates the travel. For the first two years in the job he had to travel long haul abroad for 2 weeks every 2 months, sometimes every 6 weeks. He hated it, I hated it and it was really taking its toll on our family life. Now, however, he has expanded his team and can palm the travel side of things off onto his staff and so the job is much better.

So you never know when things will change and the travel might lessen or your role might change. Stick with it for a while at least and see how you get on.

Are you ducking KIDDiNG ME?

4-6 days every 2 months is IDEAL.

Take a long bath, watch trashy tv, read a great book, enjoy those evenings at home. Savour them.

You are providing for your family and nourishing your sense of self, don't feel guilty. Feel happy your kids are with someone who loves them.

And congratulations on finding something you love. It's a great feeling.

Ps download skype instead of phoning - it makes a huge difference to be able to see the little ones and say goodnight "in person". You can get it on your phone if your work blocks it on your laptop.

With more trips, you'll start to develop coping strategies for the evenings (maybe even come to enjoy the peace and quiet).

I used to take a swim kit and go swimming (or you could find a gym if that is more your thing). Or go see a film. Take a book you've been looking forward to reading. Or some knitting or whatever you enjoy.

I also recorded myself on a CD singing some nursery rhymes and reading some favourite poems, so my DCs went to sleep listening to my voice. Which made me feel better at any rate.

This is only the first trip - things will get better.

I can imagine how hard it is, leaving your children overnight for the first time.

I honestly think it will get much easier. This is a really tough bit but there are so many good reasons to stick it out.

Certain things will always make you feel terrible (my husband travels a lot and would be nodding in agreement alongside me if he weren't in Ohio right now). There will be times when the children tell you they don't want you to go, or when they are unhappy and they want you. At those times you will want to do anything you can to talk to them and give them an over-the-phone hug.

It will get better, and it will be worth it, and there will be ups and downs...

Would it be possible for your DH and DC to join you on the odd trip? Stay in the hotel (not at work's expense obv) and spend the evenings with you then they spend the day sightseeing while you are working?

The most important thing is, how does your absence affect your children?
If they are happy, settled and well-cared for, and it sounds as though they are, then continue with your hard-won career: you have earned it.
Leaving your children for the first time is always difficult, but it is strange how quickly you become accustomed to it!

Chin up OP, this will get easier. You're probably at peak home/child sickness point day 2 of your first trip.

It might help if you had a regular time to skype home? When you and DH know it won't be interupting tea/bath/bed routine? Might not be so upsetting for the DCs then.

My mum used to occasionally go away with work and the first few times she left me a little book about the things I was going to do. I was probably 2 to 3 when she did this. She was the primary caregiver so I suppose it was a bugger change. She basically drew out a little picture book and it had things about what I would be doing at what she would be doing 'Daddy is picking Whois up from nursery and they are going to granny's for tea. Mummy is eating tea in london. What will mummy eat?' And then pictures of food choices.

It sounds a bit corny but I remember loving dad reading the next bit to me. There would be stuff about bedtime, then breakfast etc.

Also try to concentrate on the good points about being away - time to yourself to do some exercise, eat nice food, watch films/box set, try and get out in the evenings for a wander round wherever you are staying.

I appreciate it's not great if you end up in a premier inn on a trading estate on the outskirts of some shit industrial hole (I often used to end up somewhere like that for work!) but you can generally find a nice resturant a drive away.

Don't be sad to eat alone - relish the peace, take a book or sit up at the bar and chat to others.

Thanks all, feel much better this morning, just chatted to DCs who are settled and happy and off for work bits now. I will get used to it, and overall I have happy children, the only one feeling bad in this situation is me - (though DH says he is missing me but I'm sure he'll survive)! Hotel has a gym and pool, so going to buy a cheap swimming costume and take a dp on my own this eve - haven't actually been swimming properly, as in up and down a pool, for years -bar splashing with children in pool of course!