...to think it's unfair to be labelled a 'nag' if dp doesn't get off his arse

[Boomerwang]

I'm so tired of dp calling me a 'nag' and asking me to stop 'nagging' at him. If he simply got off his pc, picked up his shit and put it away the first time I mentioned it, I wouldn't have to say it again and again.

With a previous partner, I refused to nag. I would throw the offending items at him or pile them into a stinking corner in a room I don't use, but if I did that with my dp he would do the same with my stuff :(

I hate the word nag. It's only used against women, along with 'hysterical' (and other words I can't think of at the moment) and is meant to quiet us down, stop complaining.

What sort of things are you talking about? Cups, crisp packets, dirty clothes? You say he would 'do the same' to your things, so does that mean you leave similar things lying about too? Fortunately both DH and I have fairly low standards, so our mutual slovenliness isn't too much of an issue .

YANBU Nasty, misogynistic word used by some men to shut women up so they can carry on being lazy, disrespectful arses. It says more about your p than it does about you.

Depends - is it one shirt? Or is the one shirt a drop in the ocean?

Ditto deja

Tell him to man up, stop behaving like a stroppy child and get off his arse or he can hire a housekeeper.

Ggggrrrrr to word nag

Aha - the mysoginysts one word for 'shut the fuck up and get on and do your womans chores and leave us men to do the manly stuff'
Lovely!!!!

As currently you are calling him DP surely you don't have to put up with this shit.

You say you could collect it all up and put it out of sight but he'd do the same to you. How could he?
I assume you already pick up after yourself!?

Seriously think about this. This is a lifelone battle you'll be setting yourself up for!

It's not a nice word (although I've been known to use it on DH ) but it's hard to tell whether you are actually being a bit ott or ocd or not.

I get the same treatment. My DP is lazy, unhelpful, messy and doesn't lift a bloody finger around our flat unless I moan about it repeatedly. I'm then called a nag, just because he won't do what I ask the first time. If he ignores it long enough that I finally just do it myself, he gets angry and says that I'm a martyr who loves when he doesn't do something because then I get to complain about it.

Argh!

Nag is a horrible word. I do think men use it to stop us asking them to do anything reasonable.
In a way I think it is trying to repress us (perhaps not even consciously)

I pick up after myself randomly, but every day. There is a shirt on a hanger in the next room which has been there for a month. The reason I hadn't put it away is because HE put it on the hanger and left it there and I don't see why I should sort it out for him. I don't care if it gets covered in dust and cat hair, it's not mine...

I always consider if it's a job I can do myself first.

There are things which need doing, and there is a priority order on them. My dp will choose something entirely not on the plan to do, such as a spontaneous desire to paint the bathroom. I was skeptical as I was only halfway through cleaning the ceiling and getting some pink mould off the wall but he merrily slapped paint over it. I can get over this part, and get on with the more important things myself, but he only does half a job. Now there are no shelves in the bathroom and if i want a bottle of fabric softener or something I have to rummage around on the floor of the storage room.

So, I ask him to put the shelves back up, but he's gone back into sitting at pc mode, feeling quite satisfied with himself. It's been a week now and they're still not up.

AIBU to think if you start a job like that, you bloody finish it?

If I mutter my reservations whenever he gets on one of those sudden work binges, he tells me that I don't care about anything, but he wants to do something nice for the house so why do I have a downer about it?

I can't win

So he's choosing jobs that he actually wants to do over the things that really need doing? Because that is just as bad as sitting on his PC to be honest - if he wants to do something to make the house nicer, then wouldn't it make sense to spend 10 seconds putting away his shirt and a few minutes picking up after himself rather than ignoring that and doing half a job in the bathroom?

I think that might be the most banned word in this house. DH gets a if he even thinks it.

However, you do need to have a conversation about this like adults. Tell him you need to communicate about this and how can this work practically.

I know you're right, but it's not even worth bringing up the subject. I'm so tired of conflict in this house. I'm gonna just leave this house in a tip and walk out someday.

Two observations:

1. You seem to have had a similar problem with a previous partner. Are you just unlucky with partners or are you very houseproud or at least have a different threshold to how much clutter you tolerate than many people?

2. You said "There are things which need doing, and there is a priority order on them." Who established this list of things and set the priority? You?

My Mum is very house proud. She does nag my Dad who is clean and tidy by any reasonable standard. She insists jobs are done in her very prescriptive way and it really is unfair. Is this you OP? If not he's probably out of order.

No. I vacuum about once every three days, even though we have two cats, a dog and a toddler. I do the kitchen every day. I change the bedsheets once every two weeks. The computer table is covered in random things and a lot of dust, because I hate dusting. I'm not at all a neat freak. My last partner was similar to this one, except if something wasn't cleaned enough my last partner would snipe to me about it, whereas this partner just ignores it.

It seems as though today isn't a good time to bring it up again with him. He senses that I am depressed and he's taken our daughter over to his parents again. Instead of vacuuming, like I should be doing, I think I'll go to bed or find some alcohol.

Steady on old thing - it's only 3:30pm. Bit early for the old isn't it?

Oh yes, if I were to be drinking socially, it's far too early.

As it happens I stayed up so that I could give my daughter a bath when she got home, and it's a cup of tea I'm having rather than alcohol. I'm still going to bed as soon as I've drunk it, so that I don't have to sit in silence next to my dp.

Is nt this really a power struggle ? You want things your way and he objects to being treated like a child ? Why does he have to tidy up when you say so, it's his house too.

Ask yourself Would you object to him telling you what to do ?

Are you happy with him apart from this issue? It doesn't come across that you are.

Ugh, I know how you feel.
Me: DH, will you do whatever (any random thing)?
DH: Yes, will do!
Me: DH, did you do whatever?
DH: No, I forgot but I'll do it now.
Me: DH, whatever?
DH: Yes. Will.
Me: DH!!! WHATEVER!
DH: Stop nagging me, I'll do it!
At this point I have been known to go off on a massive one at him, I could have spent hours cleaning and tidying and the one thing I need help with or for him to do is just too much of an ask! (Not always I must add but if he says he'll do something I expect him to do it in good time!)