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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to the wedding

25 replies

Gerrygiraffe · 09/09/2014 06:32

We have just had the awful news MIL has breast cancer. It looks treatable though and she is due surgery and chemo.

The surgery is due a couple of days before I am due to go to a friend's wedding. DH is staying at home to look after the DC as no children are invited. I was due to go with another friend.

Anyway, I think I should say I now can't go to the wedding. MIL will have been home a day or so at most and I think DH needs to be available for her and to stay over if needed (she is on her own). It would not be helpful or practicable for them to have to worry about the DC as well. Not going would not impact on other friend as she was only coming as my plus one as I don't know anyone. The wedding is 3 hours away so would involve an overnight stay.

However the wedding is only a few weeks away and I have also had to decline the hen do due to family commitments so it would eg a very poor show as a friend really. MIL maybe fine and therefore DH not needed so much.

I really don't know what to do and if AIBU to go or not go!

OP posts:

hesterton · 09/09/2014 06:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Gerrygiraffe · 09/09/2014 06:37

I do drive but the wedding is a late start with just the meal after so a natural late finish.

My friend is driving 3 hours as well but from another direction so would have to think of her as well. Perhaps I could just go on my own.

OP posts:

my2centsis · 09/09/2014 07:05

It would be a real shame to miss the wedding but I wouldn't go if it your position. Priorities and all that. You sound like. Lovely DIL btw :) hugs

AlpacaYourThings · 09/09/2014 07:11

Personally, I wouldn't go to the wedding (unless it was someone really close to me like my brother).

Ronmione · 09/09/2014 07:14

You sound very kind, I wouldn't go either, you mil is on her own and will need doe support after chemo.

londonrach · 09/09/2014 07:17

You sound lovely. Phone the bride and tell her whats happened. I understand where you coming from. I agree your dh might be needed. X

Inertia · 09/09/2014 07:23

Sorry about your MiL's illness.

I think the bride will understand but it's better to tell her immediately rather than try to juggle things around last minute to fit everything in. I would tell her that your MIL has cancer and is scheduled to have surgery immediately before the wedding, so your DH will be caring for her and so cannot have the children.

Aherdofmims · 09/09/2014 07:26

I would not go to the wedding unless you can afford to pay an alternative babysitter (not that dh would be babysitting!) to free up dh. Unless you think your dh and mil need your personal support in which case I think speak to bride and explain.

InternetFOREVER · 09/09/2014 07:32

Is the surgery a week or so before the wedding? My mum was in hospital for a good few days, so didn't need as much support beforehand. I wonder whether your friend would accept a "I might not be there" and leave it open to decide at the time? Sometimes surgery is delayed, and sometimes people stay in hospital longer than expected. I agree it would be tough to leave your MIL and DH to cope if it is a day or two after she gets home.

MrsMook · 09/09/2014 07:39

Would DH be able to take the DCs to a friend's/ relations for a few hours so he can have time alone with his DM?

pluCaChange · 09/09/2014 08:14

DH had a similar sort of dilemma once, with a relative stranded by her travelling companion's medical emergency (sounds a bit !). He cancelled travelling to the wedding,in favour of staying with the stranded travellers, and rightly so. He would have regretted doing anything else.

Osmiornica · 09/09/2014 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fattyfattyyumyum · 09/09/2014 08:48

Isn't there anyone else who can help DH? A sibling to help with his mum, or other family to help with the children?

Cancer treatment can be a long haul - I wouldn't cancel the wedding to be honest, life will have to go on around treatment, it's unrealistic to expect anything else for the several months / years chemo will last

Original poster

Gerrygiraffe · 09/09/2014 08:49

MIL is our only family living anywhere near us and DH is an only child so it would be him (us) that would be needed and we have little back up.

MIL is our go to babysitter so not sure about childcare on the day but there would still be the potential overnight problem if I am not back until late. It feels a bit off to ask if DC can go to friends as they may well be upset about MIL.

I just have this feeling the bride may be pissed off and then MIL is ok after all. I will ring bride and discuss given that it is a potentially reasonable thing to raise.

OP posts:

MsAspreyDiamonds · 09/09/2014 08:55

A similar scenario happened with my db & sil at their wedding. One of their day guests had to decline a week before because of a family emergency. They were very understanding about it & just converted an evening invite into an all day invite for one of their other guests. They didnt lose any money over it, a true friend would understand your predicament. Only a self absorbed, idiotic bridezilla would throw a wobbly & you wouldnt want her for a friend anyway.

ShadowStar · 09/09/2014 08:59

I would expect any reasonable bride to be sympathetic to your situation and understand that your MIL's illness takes precedence over someone's wedding.

Having said that, it would be polite to talk to the bride about this sooner rather than later.

HappyAgainOneDay · 09/09/2014 09:04

I don't want to make light of this but my mother also had breast cancer (her second) and was in hospital for a week after the surgery (1997) so a couple of your hospital visits are not, well, 'necessary'. Your MIL will be tired and want to rest with not much movement so if your DH was the only one to do a couple of hospital visits, I doubt that she'd worry about your absence. How old are your children? If they are well behaved 6-7 year olds or older, she would probably welcome them. Perhaps they could make GW cards and draw pictures for her or write loving GW letters to her while they are at the hospital.

millymae · 09/09/2014 09:07

I'm not sure I'd even discuss it with her - I'd just phone her and tell her that you are not coming and why. Apologise profusely but say that you hope she'll understand.
She must know anyway that you have babysitting difficulties because you were coming with a friend rather than OH and as he is your MIL's only child she'll understand why he needs to be with her so soon after her op rather than at home looking after the children. IMHO it's better to tell the bride definitely now and be done with it. That way, she, you and your friend know exactly where they are - it may well be that the bride can ask someone she couldn't invite because of numbers in your place. Don't feel bad about it you have a genuine reason for not going.

Original poster

Gerrygiraffe · 09/09/2014 09:25

She is expecting to be in only one night and the immediate nights at home post surgery coincide with the wedding. If she was due to be in hospital I would not worry so much.

It is the unknown of being home and what level of support she will need that is concerning. We only found out yesterday and so we are still in shock and trying to come to terms with it.

OP posts:

RubbishTiming · 09/09/2014 09:31

In your shoes I would call your friend now - don't email or text - and just explain the situation. I am sure she will understand (please God don't let her be a Bridezilla who thinks that her nuptials play top trumps to your MIL's illness!).

You're doing the right thing - your MIL needs all the help and support she can get during this time. I can only imagine that being so far away at what could potentially be quite a critical time would be incredibly stressful for you, and you probably wouldn't have a great time at the wedding.

I wish your MIL well - it's great that she's got such a super DIL.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/09/2014 09:36

I think MIL takes priority here, she'll be tired and vulnerable and your DH will probably want to see her and I imagine you'd want to see her too.

NoWayYesWay · 09/09/2014 09:42

I wouldn't go. I'd apologise profusely and send an extra lovely gift and card.

I'm not sure if I would offer to pay for the meal or not . I think I would.

Hope your MILs OP goes well.

HappyAgainOneDay · 09/09/2014 09:46

In hospital for only one night is different. You ought to be there because there'll be things to do that your husband will feel uncomfortable about. Just apologise to the bride and I'm sure she and the groom will understand.

pudcat · 09/09/2014 09:55

If she is only in for 1 night she will need someone with her the next night. My son was in for 1 night after a 5 hour op and he was told that he couldn't be on his own for 24 hrs. So I went and stayed with him. Something to do with the after effects of the anaesthetic. So MIL will probably be told the same. I remember my sister was told that as well.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/09/2014 10:06

Call the bride now and explain that you and your guest will be dropping out due to MIL's treatment. End of.
Most venues will confirm final numbers [and therefore cost] 3-4 working days in advance of the wedding. Most weddings have a 20% drop out rate. It's life.
Unless your friend is a complete cow, she'll be fine. Offer to meet for dinner when she is back from her honeymoon and fake a lot of enthusiasm to see all the pictures if you feel terrible

I'd be more worried about your Plus One who has probably bought an outfit and your hotel charges which may not be refundable.

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