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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about "your mother is watching over you"

9 replies

Aubrianna · 08/09/2014 12:35

Dh and I have had a really hard year. Our business is failing, we have gone into debt, ds (8) has been struggling at school and is now in a special needs group, dd (2) is waiting for tests to see why she is so short and hasnt grown at all in 12 months along with a massive list of smaller issues.

I have told my gran the basics although I don't tend to go into too much detail she does know how hard things are at the moment and the sheer amount of bad luck we have had.

Every single time I speak to her she says "your mother is watching over you" or "your mother will look out for you". My mum died when I was a teenager and frankly since then I have had more than my share of bad luck! I cant think of a time when something has actually gone right and I think its a really depressing and upsetting thing to say to me when she knows full well that is the case! We have had everything from serious illness and pregnancy losses to loss of house and now our business failing. What exactly is my mother watching over me doing to help...I have this image of my mother sitting on a cloud laughing at us - she might be watching but she is certainly doing fuck all about anything.

I probably sound really really oversensitive to this but it has just driven me mad for years and no matter how many times I say please don't say that it just goes on!

OP posts:
PedlarsSpanner · 08/09/2014 12:39

Is your gran your mum's mum? She is probably trying to comfort herself.

I am so sorry for your loss and your troubles.

Aubrianna · 08/09/2014 12:40

No she is my dads mum (I dont really speak to my dad - he went a little crazy after my mum died!)

OP posts:
Aubrianna · 08/09/2014 12:40

both of my mums parents died within 2 years of her - they just couldnt cope.

OP posts:
horsecalledseptember · 08/09/2014 12:42

I know what you mean and also 'what would your mum/dad want you to do?'

I don't know what they'd want, why would I!?

BarbarianMum · 08/09/2014 12:43

YANBU

It's one of those phrases isn't it? Gives comfort to some people and winds other people up. If your mum was your gran's daughter it may give her great comfort to think she's still around.

Is there anything practical you'd like your gran to do for you? If so, spell it out to her. The dead are not noted for providing hand-on help.

BarbarianMum · 08/09/2014 12:44

X posts.

If it's your das's mum I suggest you tell her in no uncertain terms that the phrase is of no comfort to you.

PedlarsSpanner · 08/09/2014 12:46
Sad

Can your husband speak to her, tell her to stop mouthing these platitudes, as you find it distressing

If she won't stop then say directly "i find it hurtful and upsetting when you say that. Please stop." You'll probably get the Hmm face the first couple of times

Might be worth cutting down in what you tell her, too. Hard but neccessary. Just basic "the kids are fine,what is your news?"and deflect questions

Aubrianna · 08/09/2014 12:47

Theres really nothing I want from her or that she can do. She is nearly 80 and lives in a sheltered flat hundreds of miles away from me. I think you are right Pedlars I will just have to stop telling her things!.

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 08/09/2014 12:51

I hate that! People say that to those who have lost children, even. 'He's always with you,' um,if he were, he'd be alive!

People say it to try to get out of hearing you vent about your life.

Tell her to please stop it, your mother is dead and you find this really disrespectful.

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