Would this make you suspect your MIL would like to see your marriage break down?

[MinuteMakeTime]

There is lots of back story of course but I will try to keep it brief. I've posted in here before under a different name and had some great support and advice.

We've been together 7-8 years and have DC together. Our 3rd is due in a week! My MIL has often competed with me to be mother to our DC. Lots of passive/covert aggressive behaviour. Could bearly hide her disdain at us getting married. Says bitchy things behind my back, always pretends to me that she loves and adores me but actions are the opposite.

Recently DH and I had a big arguement about him not giving up smoking before this baby arrives. Massive bone of contention between us, and he ended up staying the night at his parents. After we had had a good talk and worked out a way forward (hypnotherapy and patches for the immediate future), he thanked his mum for putting him up and she made a big scene, started to scream at him that he couldn't change, he is who he is, what a wonderful MIL she is to me, said I was awful to her, he was stunned and furious with her. He is really trying to stop smoking and she is telling him he basically can't. This outburst came as he was leaving her house, coming back home to us.

MIL assumed it was all my fault why we argued in the first place and asked him several times 'what had I done?'. Am I right to think in some messed up way she would prefer to see us break up?

I've noticed often on Mn and in RL that people (certainly not just MILs) who are displeased with a behavioural change in a family member or friend often place the responsibility for that change on that person's partner. The internal logic seems to be that 'person X has changed, and because I can't cope with the consequences of recognising that the impetus for that change has come from Person X, I will decide they were pressured into it by their partner'.

This sounds like a version of that, even discounting the sheer ridiculousness of someone trying to prevent someone they love giving up a habit that contributes significantly to ill-health and early death! Leaving aside the issue of secondhand smoke for her grandchild.

I'd be more worried about having a husband who retreated to his parents when there was a marital argument. It creates a situation where his mother knows too much about difficult moments in a marriage.

He hasn't done so before and his parents don't often know about what we may argue over.

What you say does make some sense. She was also telling him she didn't recognise him anymore and he had changed. Which makes no real sense as she also told him he can't change and is who he is. She was just ranting at him from what I can gather.

To answer your question, it wouldn't make me suspect my MIL wanted us to split up.

I think she was responding to the fact that your DH had walked out after an argument and went to stay with her. To most people that would signify that the relationship was having serious problems. And since your DH was saying the argument was about him not giving up smoking then it's not that big a leap of logic for her to assume that you're trying to change him in ways that he doesn't want to change.

By the way, I'm not defending your DH's attitude to continuing smoking as I'm vehemently anti-smoking but you already have DCs and your DH hasn't given up smoking for their health and he walked out over the argument so it seems like he doesn't really want to change.

I've noticed that too, Talcum!

OP, I'm not sure whether you can assume she wants you to split up. But her ranting about you, in combination with all the other stuff you mentioned, definitely makes it sound as if MIL resents you, & sees herself as engaged in some kind of territorial battle with you.

The good thing is that your DH was angry about his mum's outburst & presumably defended you. But it sounds like it was a really bad idea for him to involve her in the first place, which he did when he went to stay there.

Having a row is one thing, but stomping off to spend the night somewhere else does make it seem more serious. And running off back to your parent(s) is pretty much inviting them to interfere in your marriage.

My MIl would have told him to man up, quit the smoking & get off back home where he belonged!

Not sure she wants to split you up, but maybe trying to paint you in the wrong & herself as understanding & on his side.

Screwed it up with the shouting & badmouthing you though

Don't think she wants to split you up, but it sounds as though she is suddenly beginning to realize that her son is maturing changing, and is growing away from her.
Just build on the fact that your husband cares about you and supporting you, is very shaken by his mother's behaviour, and that she is unnerved by it all. You have the advantage; seize it.

If you think hypnotherapy and patches will do the trick, I think you may be disappointed as neither gives the smoker satisfaction, nor does anything to help the psychology of the addiction. Get him an ECig and be done with it

I have a friend who quit with hypnotherapy, after 35 years of smoking, so I just wanted to say that I have seen it work.

You are about to drop and he stormed out and left you ALL NIGHT? Plus his mother doesn't want him to quit smoking??? The mind boggles. Also they cost a small fortune. That's a lot of nappies....

i would be more worried about my husband bad mouthing me to his mother to be honest why does she assume its all your fault?

you have my sympathies my mil does this too just because his ex cheated on him and did not clean the house she assumes im cheating on him and not doing my housework either i really feel like wrapping the iron around her head some days with her ooh i see "he" hasn't had time to do all the ironing why don't you give it a go for a change? umm he doesn't even know where we keep the iron doesn't know how to use the washing machine tumble dryer and if i ask him to turn the dishwasher on? he asks me where are the tablets is it switched on what number does it need to be on FGS! ive told her he does nothing she gives me that sickly sweet smile like she knows better

I quit a nearly 40 year habit in 2 weeks with e cigs. Get him a few if these - I feel sure they'll work for him esp if he really wants to quit.