NDN - if you were the wife would you tell me if your DH had dementia?

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

I think perhaps NDN husband has dementia, but not sure. He keeps asking my DP to cut back shrub because 'the monkeys' will use it to climb onto his roof and harm it. We think he means squirrels ( he referred to same problem as being with squirrels to me last year). He spent a large part of his adult life in Africa - so something he's dealt with there I guess. They are retired, and she spends most of the time in another flat nearby - she does them up and them buys another, but often stays in them.

We do know he get flustered about things and doesn't want the responsibility of having our keys any more. We don't know them well but are friendly and swap veg from garden etc.

Wondering if his DW would tell me if this is indeed the case? Or whether indeed she should...

I think I would if it was my DH, for security, but perhaps a bit further down line...

No she wouldn't tell you. Its none of your business.

And she doesn't need to, unless it gets to the stage where he's a danger to himself outside the home.

whats NDN?

Agree with previous posters, that she isn't likely to tell you, that she may be in denial and that he may not have got a dementia diagnosis.

The pont at which my Dad told friends and neighbours was several years down the line, when Mum had forgotten who he was and would try to walk off back home (hundreds of miles away) or try to catch a bus with no money or hitch a lift.

If you are friends, and more than just neighbours, maybe you can find a reason to drop around for a friendly supportive chat, take a cake or something else you've made, perhaps. It is horribly isolating for spouses and it can become easier to push away offers of help or any contact at all.

No way would I tell my neighbours if my husband had dementia unless it was at an extreme stage and he was a danger to himself. You aren't friends, so it really is none of your business.

I would, but we are friends with most of our neighbours.

They all knew when I was having severe mental health problems and rallied round helping with the kids etc.

IAm ndn-next door neighbours

When I moved into a house with elderly neighbours years ago, the wife did have a quiet word with me to explain that her husband was 'getting a bit confused and forgetful these days' - he'd been round asking to borrow tools from me, I think, but probably wasn't really capable of doing DIY stuff any more. It seemed like a sensible thing for her to tip me off about. But I can see that it might not be an automatic thing to tell neighbours about, specially if they have not come to terms with it or even got a diagnosis yet.

Possibly not.

My mild mannered aunt and I had a blazing row one evening because on the way to my car (so audible to the neighbours) I referred to my Grandmother's dementia.

Apparently this is something that isn't for public discussion, I was really quite surprised as personally I'm sure the neighbours had noticed her odd behaviour and don't think there is any stigma in being demented.

My aunt who is early sixties feels very differently.

This all happened at my grandparent's house, they have lived there since the sixties and know all the neighbours and used to socialise with many of them.

Our neighbour told us when her father with quite advanced dementia moved in with her.

We live in a tiny little estate in the middle of nowhere so it was a case of if you find him wandering around, this is why, can you call me/bring him back.

He had a bit of a habit of letting himself into our houses, and getting quite confused when he realised he wasn't in the right house, or we'd find him at the bus stop at the end of our lane. We'd just take him by the arm and take him back home again, or give him a cup of tea if our neighbour had nipped out

At that level of dementia, no I wouldn't tell you. He is still a person and he is still entitled to his privacy and confidentiality. I'd only tell neighbours if I really knew them and at a stage where it was possible he might wander off etc.

Getting a bit flustered, not wanting your keys and calling squirrels monkeys may not be dementia at all, or if it is, it's still early days. He may not have been diagnosed.

My Dad has dementia. I don't think they told anyone outside the family (and then very few people) for a long time.

Dad gets obsessed with things like trees needing pruning etc as well, all for safety reasons (in his mind) and he really worries about them. It would be kind of you to trim those bushes back a bit if they are causing your neighbour anxiety.

Oh we have yes

My parents' neighbours told them that the husband had dementia when they first moved in a few years ago. I got the impression that the wife told them because she was worried some of his behaviour might seem strange or unsettling without any explanation, and also in case they perhaps saw him doing something that was concerning or wandering off.

There is no need for anyone to tell anyone else, though. I think that is a very personal thing.

We've been aware of our NDN's. She was widowed about a year after we moved in. She told me herself about some of it and her family updated us on some other bits. She's now in a care home following a fall as the combination of her physical and mental health was getting difficult for independent living.

I had noticed that she was begining to forget things like my children's names, or talk about slightly odd topics from deep in her past.

Yeah, if he's harmless I wouldn't worry about it. Most people with dementia have problems with wandering off, not getting violent.