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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to keep my passwords private from my husband

57 replies

Queenofknickers · 07/09/2014 15:31

OR should there be no secrets between husband and wife? I'd be interested in hearing your opinions please

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 07/09/2014 15:49

There willk be posters on here who'd say it would be ok if the genders were reversed.

I think it's an unacceptable way to deal with the situation.

Nomama · 07/09/2014 15:50

x posted...

In that case yes. You do need to reassure him, if you are open and honest he won't feel the need to look. You broke that trust, you have to fix it.

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/09/2014 15:51

What if he's got what he feels is good reason eg he found a conversation with an ex of 20 years that had got out of hand and he is understandably extremely upset. I've never done anything like that before and never will again.

Not being funny like...but how does he know you won't do it again? Any more of a back story to this?

ilovesooty · 07/09/2014 15:53

Once he has them he'll look all right. To think he won't is naive in my view.

I think you need to talk about the trust issues, not be controlled and punished like a naughty child.

PiperIsOrange · 07/09/2014 15:54

DH knows all my passwords and PIN number and I know his.

However couple are allowed to have a private life.

Catsmamma · 07/09/2014 16:04

Bit late to be getting on your high horse about privacy when you have been baring your soul to an ex.

No wonder your dh is suspicious.

...nice drip feed btw. 8)

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/09/2014 16:06

OP, your posts are always worded as hypothetical questions - "what if". Could you please stop the drip feeding and just spit out what you really want to discuss? Because I have to say, if I was your husband and our conversations went this way, I'm not sure I would trust you either.

As a rule, passwords known only to yourself are the norm. But your "what if'"s concern a breach of trust by one partner and a need for reassurance of the other partner, so norms might not be applicable.

deakymom · 07/09/2014 16:29

he has all mine i have all his they are usually the same anyway ive nothing to hide plus he always asks me to check his emails and when i was in hospital he updated my fb for my friends so they knew i was okay he is always forgetting his cash card so he uses mine its a joint account so i dont see the issue we are not really bothered by the whole privacy thing if ive something work related he isnt supposed to know about i would make a new email and tell him not to look at it

seasavage · 07/09/2014 16:38

YANBU. For me it is a lack of respect / controlling behaviour/ a breach of trust. My ex (who appeared rational before we moved in together) accessed my personal diary / files / posed as me on emails / chats / texts/ applied for loans in my name. Because he had no respect / thought anything to his wife was his business (but not vice versa).
If I want to show something to my new husband I do. I equally respect his privacy.

seasavage · 07/09/2014 16:39

I have nothing "to hide" but not being able to trust your partner (to me) is pretty much the sign it's already over.

lunar1 · 07/09/2014 16:43

what were you saying to your ex? you would get really different answers if the genders were reversed.

cherrybombxo · 07/09/2014 16:45

My DP knows the code for my iPad/iPhone because it's my date of birth, we both know our passwords because we each have one that is the same for everything (stupidly, I can admit) and we know each other's PIN numbers because we don't have a joint account and sometimes borrow the other's card.

However, that's just how it works for us. I have ASOS premier so he can log on to my account and take advantage of free delivery, etc. I don't think it's weird to keep your info private though and it would be weird for a partner to ask for a password without a real reason.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 07/09/2014 17:39

We know all of each other's but don't use them for anything xcept with each other's knowledge. It's a level of trust.
If you can't trust them not to nosy then don't trust them with the passwords.

Fairylea · 07/09/2014 17:46

I don't deliberately keep them from him but he has no interest in knowing so I have no reason to even mention it - however if he ever wanted to see something or know a pin or password it wouldn't bother me at all as I have absolutely nothing to hide (he'd just be bored to death).

We have joint bank accounts and everything joint anyway.

If your dh found chats between you and your ex he didn't like and you stressed the need to keep your passwords private I can see why that would upset him. If my dh didn't want to share something with me my alarm bells would go off too.

WineWineWine · 07/09/2014 17:59

We know each others passwords and PINs. Banking is all joint so that isn't an issue. I know where his passwords are if I did need them and likewise, he knows where to find mine. But we never use them. We don't snoop on each other because we trust each other and that is no basis for an adult relationship.

However, that's not really the question you were asking is it?
You DH has lost trust in you because of something you have done. Insisting on being able to access everything really isn't the right way about dealing with this, but I understand why he is asking. You need to regain his trust. I don't know how you do that. You need to have a grown up conversation with him.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2014 18:03

it doesn't matter what happens in anybody else's relationships

if you have broken your partner's trust, the standard advice is that you give up your privacy because you used it to cheat on him/her

if you want to stay in your relationship, maybe that is what you have to suck up

what was the nature of the inappropriate dialogue with your ex ?

AgaPanthers · 07/09/2014 18:08

The reason for this post was so obvious from the beginning, but why did it take four posts to get to the point?

CoolCadbury · 07/09/2014 18:09

Is this a reverse?

kiki0202 · 07/09/2014 18:09

I know all of DP's passwords because he forgets them constantly if he doesn't tell me I would be surprised if he remembered mine but I would be more than happy to give him them if he needed them and we have a joint acc. We are both very open people and there is nothing at all in my life I would be uncomfortable with DP knowing about/seeing he's the same.

PrettyPictures92 · 07/09/2014 18:23

Ffs, don't drip feed. If you cheated - whether online or in rl - you lost your right to privacy and just be grateful it didn't cost you your relationship. If it had been your husband doing that with an ex you would have been told to LTB several times.

ilovesooty · 07/09/2014 18:29

Since the OP hasn't been back we don't even know what the nature of this online conversation was.

I don't think it's a given that the automatic response is that whatever it was she ought to surrender all control and privacy to her husband.

Infinity8 · 08/09/2014 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DollyMixture99 · 08/09/2014 06:55

DP knows my password (same one for everything) for using things like eBay, although technically I suppose he doesn't know that it works for Facebook etc. if he wanted to go on my Facebook though he'd probably just look on my iPad.

Icimoi · 08/09/2014 06:56

The thing is, though, that it's pointless, isn't it? If you were having a raging affair via iPad, it would be child's play to let him have access to the current one and just buy a new one (or phone or whatever).

Infinity8 · 08/09/2014 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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