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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Look at her hairy legs

70 replies

Gruntled · 07/09/2014 13:59

I've just fallen out with my mum. DD8 is wearing a short skirt and six times this morning DM has pointed out that she is getting hairy legs! I told her that she should stop saying it as it will give her a complex. AIBU to tell her to shut up? Now she's huffing about muttering about not being able to say anything these days. She has form for this sort of thing, no one can just be 'the little girl round the corner' it's always the black girl or the fat boy or the big nosed man.

OP posts:
sweetnessandlite · 07/09/2014 15:13

Pagwatch, you are probably right about thiness being more a 70's thing, but in the 50's and 60's women were still pressurised to look a certain way.
Too much emphasis was put on 'looks'.

AnnieLobeseder · 07/09/2014 15:14

The second time I'd have asked her to leave my home and made it very clear why.

I don't tolerate anyone criticising my DD's appearance in any way beyond "your face is mucky" or "why is your shirt on backwards?". I also don't let people criticise their own appearances and won't let my mum discuss her latest diet etc. They will absorb far too much criticism of their appearance from the media and world at large without it coming from the people close to them. It's our job to protect them from it as far as possible and arm them with a good a body image as we can possibly manage. I protect my children's self-esteem fiercely and make no apologies for it.

Pagwatch · 07/09/2014 15:17

Sweetness
Yes of course. That's why I said I agreed with much of your post.
But women were simply not pressurised to be ultra thin. That's inaccurate. It a more modern invention - a whole new way for women to be told how to look.

spanky2 · 07/09/2014 15:42

I read a magazine article that all the supermodels in the late 80s early 90s were a size 10, so would be unable to fit in today's sample sizes. I think Kate Moss was probably the only one that could, but wasn't she marketed as 'heroin chic'?

Pagwatch · 07/09/2014 15:49

I expect that's true. As the population gets bigger the 'slim' celebrity women seem to get smaller.

kormasutra · 07/09/2014 15:58

Op the next time she says it I would be saying to your mum " she must take after you then, just look at your moustache!"

My dn is 13 and is very dark haired like me, she has very hairy arms! But there is no way I would comment on them, kids at any age are sensitive to comments such as these.

Your "dm" needs to keep her nasty opinions to herself, your poor dd.

ApocalypseThen · 07/09/2014 16:41

Nobody should be making personal remarks about appearance to children. Ridiculous carry on for an adult to try to force a little girl to think about looks.

FuckOffWeasel · 07/09/2014 16:47

I think treating it as if it's an awful thing that shouldn't be spoken about between children and loving parents and grandparents is much more likely to cause a complex than a little observational comment.

six times woowooo? Hmm

Op tell her to shut up from me too

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 07/09/2014 16:49

With your mum's history, I'm glad she's only said to your DD about hairy legs, most women shave so at least she can do something about it. Not that it's ok, she's way out of order, but just br thankful it's something that can be easily delt with

Darkesteyes · 07/09/2014 16:51

spanky i read the same article. It was in last months Red wasnt it?

OP i totally agree. My DM constantly focused on my looks and weight when i was growing up and it can be/has been very damaging.

You totally did the right thing by calling your mum on what she was saying.

Annie i totally agree with you too. I dont have DC but if i did i couldnt have had them see my DM without me there and i would have handled things in the way Annie said.

bomchikawowwow · 07/09/2014 16:52

Sympathies, my Mum is like this. I'd be REALLY pissed off if mine repeatedly said something like that to my DD Sad

I can't take my Mum anywhere. There was a carousel at the shopping centre and my Mum said really loudly "oh what a BORING job that man has operating that thing" right in his earshot.

Then, not content with BOOMING it across the shopping centre when went to pay for DD to go on it she just went "well this is a very BORING job you've got, isn't it?" directly to him. A complete stranger. And thought that there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I think you should fix your Mum a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.

HesterShaw · 07/09/2014 16:53

She sounds just like my mother, who appears to need to label people as fat, or twp (meaning daft) and so on; she comments on their names as though ALL names other than things like Laura and Rachel and Sarah are really chavvy and common....grrrr. When I was about nine she was constantly telling me how big my bum was getting.

YANBU. I HATE this sort of thing.

Darkesteyes · 07/09/2014 16:54

Tatjana Patitz who was mentioned in that article and was also one of the models in George Michaels Freedom 90 video, now models for Marina Rinaldi which is a plus size designer Italian fashion brand.

Shes a US size 6. (this is according to Wikipedia though)

EveDallasRetd · 07/09/2014 16:55

Op the next time she says it I would be saying to your mum " she must take after you then, just look at your moustache!

Oh yes, ^ this ^ with knobs on Grin

sweetnessandlite · 07/09/2014 16:57

My mother is the same.
If she is watching tv she will come out with really cutting comments every 5 minutes - ''She looks a state wearing that with that''
''Look at the size on her'' or
''she looks strange''

She thinks she's being Clever, but most of my family think she is being a twat.
Even my daughter has said to me ''grandma is obsessed with people's looks''

lavendersun · 07/09/2014 16:59

Horrid, I had really hairy legs as a child and was always really conscious of it. My daughter does too (8) and I wouldn't allow it either OP.

Darkesteyes · 07/09/2014 17:18

sweetness my DM does exactly the same usually doing BGT or X Factor (i only see those shows when im round there as i cant stand them or the celeb culture and think they are part of the problem) and she really shouts at the tv sometimes. She wasnt too bad last night although i left not long after the X Crap started.

And my niece says the same thing "nan you are obsessed with the way women look" My 19 yr old niece lives there and tells her this to her face.

sweetnessandlite · 07/09/2014 17:27

Darkesteyes, it annoys me, because a person can't help how they look, so what do you actually achieve by criticizing them? Nothing.

There is one particular Weather Girl that seems to 'set her off' and she criticizes her hair, her nose and the shape of her head would you believe it.
She will say things such as ''I don't like the shape of her face, or ''she looks really horsey'' or ''she looks peculiar''

My daughters dread going round there because she constantly comments on their weight or their hair :(

Darkesteyes · 07/09/2014 17:53

sweetness thats awful And they cant seem (or dont want to see) how damaging this is.

And IME there seems to be a lot more very mature people who have bought into this culture in the last 10/20 years more so than younger or middle aged people have.
And i cant understand it because the more mature generations knew and lived through times BEFORE this celeb culture that we have now.

If you got in a time machine and went back to the 1970s and started talking about wanting to be a size zero ppl would think you were crazy.

Darkesteyes · 07/09/2014 17:54

Standing at the newsstand in our local supermarkets ive seen other women buying Closer magazine and every time its been an older woman.

buggerthebotox · 07/09/2014 22:20

My mother was exactly like this too. She'd be 80 if she were still alive. Everybody's looks were scrutinised by her. I haven't thought about it until now! She'd go through my school class photos and critique every girl's looks. Nothing else seemed to matter to her. My friend was "pretty"; I was "attractive", other girls were "plain". She was highly sensitive about my looks and would poke fun at me over my blackheads in front of other parents. Sunday nights were dedicated to blackhead-squeezing. When I got slightly older and developing a shape that would be critiqued too, as were the shapes of other girls. I didn't think anything of it at the time: she was my mother after all so I just assumed it was the done thing to pull apart people's looks.

I think it is definitely a cultural thing, and of its time. I have a friend in her 70's who does it too.

Edenviolet · 07/09/2014 22:31

Yanbu

Dh told me a few weeks ago to get dd1 to "sort her legs out, they need shaving" I had a look and yes, they are quite hairy. I gently broached the subject with dd when we were in boots and I asked her did she want to start shaving them yet as the razors/gels were on offer. She said "no! It'll be too much hassle and its winter soon anyway and I can wear tights"

HesterShaw · 07/09/2014 22:36

Bloody hell Hedgehog I can't believe your DH said that. And I can't believe you followed it through Shock

Shallishanti · 07/09/2014 22:39

well said your dd Grin

ThatSmellsLikePoo · 07/09/2014 22:45

Holy smoke OP - are you my sister? It's just that you could be writing about my Mum! It's uncannily similar to the way she goes on despite me getting so cross with her that I nearly burst blood vessels every single time. It's always "the black girl" "the Chinese nurse" "the Malaysian cleaner" "the fat one with the glasses" "the one with the shiny black head" and so on ad nauseam until I just want to die. She's 82 - is it a generational thing?