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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was really rude?

50 replies

Joolsy · 07/09/2014 08:23

Couple of mums from DD's yr1 class arranged a night out in local pub. Me & couple of mum friends from the class went along as we thought it would be nice to get to know the tohers a bit more. One mum couldn't make it but put a msg on group chat to say we were all welcome to pop in for glass or 2 of wine, but to let her know before 9pm if anyone was coming. It was quite lighthearted though & as we were all in the pub I assumed we were all staying there. 1 or 2 of them mentioned it would have been a good idea if we hadn't arranged to meet at the pub & I agreed. Nothing else about it said. I was chatting to my 2 friends for a bit, then after about 1½ hours of arriving about 7 of them put on their coats & told the remaining 5 of us they were off to this other mum's house. Didn't ask the rest of us if we wanted to come & they had obviously privately messaged the other mum to say they were coming as there was nothing on the group message. I don't know the other mum well enough to invite myself along. So off they went leaving 5 of us! AIBU to think this was rude?

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 07/09/2014 09:51

Pinkrose all the mums were invited in an open invitation. Why is that cliquey?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 07/09/2014 10:06

So they weren't going and changed their minds? Basically they weren't enjoying the pub and decided a select few should go elsewhere? Rude. How old are these people?

If I received a message halfway through a night out requesting I leave the pub, I'd think the person needy/ rude / strange / whatever. If I can't make a social event I don't expect others to change their plans. I'm more 'have a nice night and I'll catch you next time'. Hadn't they all missed the rsvp deadline?

If I did decide to leave, I'd ask everyone. If I decided to go to a different pub, I'd mention it and they could go or not.

You probably had a much better evening with your friends.

LiberalLibertines · 07/09/2014 10:12

No,I don't think they were rude.

You were invited, why did they need to invite you again?

Original poster

Joolsy · 07/09/2014 10:16

The group message was sent before we met in the pub. As I said, the message was lighthearted, kind of "so sorry I can't come, but if you've had enough of the pub, you can come to mine for drinks but please let me know before 9pm as I'll be in my PJs lol".

OP posts:

LL12 · 07/09/2014 10:16

I must admit, it does seem strange for the mum who could not make it to arrange something on the same night, different night fine but not the same night. If you can't make it then you can't make it, simple.
I have no doubt that the one's that left and went to hers knew were friends with her already.
To be honest, just don't bother with them. If you made a real effort with them to be friendly and make conversation with them and got nothing back then leave them to it.

Original poster

Joolsy · 07/09/2014 10:19

I think it's strange that they'd obv been discussing it out of earshot of the other side of the table where I was sitting, all got up & left quite quickly, with no "do you fancy coming too?" Surely it's polite to ask if everyone is coming as everyone was originally invited? I didn't think it was my place to say I wanted to go too as I don't know any of them very well.

OP posts:

pictish · 07/09/2014 10:20

I can see how you might feel it was rude, but I don't think it really was...quite.
You were all included in invites to everything. The night ended up being split. That happens sometimes.
It's not a personal affront.

Nomama · 07/09/2014 10:24

So, within the bigger group you had your friends and you decided to stay in the pub, even wished you hadn't bothered with the others.

Was it finding out that others in the bigger group had their own friends and they made a different decision that is bothering you?

Imagine what they thought about you! Poor old Friend A is home alone and they can't be arsed to pop in for a drink to cheer her up!

They are as right/wrong as you are.

Bowlersarm · 07/09/2014 10:24

I am really really not getting why this was wrong at all.

There is an argument from the other point of view.

One mum can't come but would like to, and love to see everyone, so she very generously offers an open invitation for everyone to go to her house as well as the pub, for a glass or two of wine.

All the mums go to the pub, but some think it's a really nice idea to go to the mums house who can't come and include her. Which they do.

Some mums, including the OP, decide they don't want to go to the other mums house.

Fair enough, op and her friends happily settle in pub and dont want to move on, but I don't understand the need to bitch about it here.

Bowlersarm · 07/09/2014 10:25

Xpost with nomama I agree.

Bouttimeforwine · 07/09/2014 10:31

The other mum wouldn't have wanted 12 people turning up so I can see why they didn't invite you lot, if they were good friends with her and you weren't. However, it was rude. The evening was arranged for a night at the pub. The other mum shouldn't have suggested going to hers and should have arranged another night, and given that she did, the others shouldn't have gone and left some behind. What time did they leave?

Bouttimeforwine · 07/09/2014 10:34

But bowlers and nomama it seems like they got the impression they weren't welcome to go too. It wasn't a choice to stay behind.

Bowlersarm · 07/09/2014 10:37

I don't know why the OP thought she wasn't welcome. There was an open group message. Maybe she's not as friendly with the home-mum, and other people were texting home-mum during the evening.

I don't think that makes the OP in the right, and the mums who left in the wrong. The OP could have gone too, if she wanted to.

Nomama · 07/09/2014 10:38

Like I said, Bouttime, another smaller group within the larger one had different ideas. It happens. That other group also had opinions and acted on them.

OP did make a choice, she said so, some others disagreed and acted on their own thoughts. That is allowed isn't it?

It seems like such a non issue, but OP is in danger of making it all about her and sounding like a Poppet Princess!

Original poster

Joolsy · 07/09/2014 10:40

No it's not that I didn't want to go, I had no idea that any were considering it, as the msg was sent before we got to the pub, and from the conversations we had, I assumed the option had been discounted. I probably would have gone, but I felt they'd discussed it as a mini-group without discussing it with the other half. They were basically "we're going to X's house, bye".

You're right, bouttimeforwine

They left about 9.45 - 1½ or so after we'd arrived

OP posts:

crazylady321 · 07/09/2014 10:40

Way I see it is we go to school to drop our children off end of, I cant be doing with the school playground bitching I hear day in day out. I am obviously polite and chat but the only mums im really friendly with are the ladies I already know outside of school eg neighbours and a couple of old school friends.

Seems there is too many fall outs over not been invited here and there and thats the mothers not the kids. Ive said before somewhere that children should be allowed to make friends with whoever not who there mums been overly pally with this week and I got slated for it

Bouttimeforwine · 07/09/2014 10:40

I agree it is a non issue and not that important, but it is a bit rude to hijack a general mums night out.

Original poster

Joolsy · 07/09/2014 10:42

I didn't make a choice, nomama - some of the group that left, as I said, were saying that it would have been nice to go there instead of the pub, but as we were at the pub, I assumed we were all staying, as it was a sort of "ah well, never mind, we're here now". And I agreed that it would have been nice to go there as I always prefer staying in at mine or others' houses!

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 07/09/2014 10:43

Mums who left "we're going to D's house, bye"

OP "thats a good idea, I'd love to come" gets up and goes.

Or stays with particularly close group of friends.

And the problem is ?

furcoatbigknickers · 07/09/2014 10:44

Nothing rude about it at all. You were invited.

Nomama · 07/09/2014 11:11

I assumed we were all staying there. 1 or 2 of them mentioned it would have been a good idea if we hadn't arranged to meet at the pub & I agreed. Nothing else about it said.

You did make a choice, 2 actually. The above and you also chose to join an existing group of friends. Those 2 choices mean that there would automatically have been a couple of factions within the larger group.

You need to put it aside. You aren't BU to have a worry over it but would be VVU to expect the whole group to act in unison, people don't work like that.

And as I said earlier, the other half of the group obviously knew Home Mum better than you, so their decision . Just as yours was based on that, just as your decision was based on NOT knowing her so well.

No-one was right/wrong. But you are starting to sound very precious about it!

LL12 · 07/09/2014 11:11

The one's that went to the other mums house should have had the manners to say that they would be going in advance, not the second they got up to leave.
Yes, there were rude but so was the mum that arranged something on the same night.

Bowlersarm · 07/09/2014 11:31

She didn't arrange something on the same night. She offered an alternative venue so she could be included.

JeanSeberg · 07/09/2014 13:09

Did you let the mum at home know you weren't taking her up on her invitation?

SuperGlue · 07/09/2014 14:31

I think it is odd and rude too OP. I don't understand why the at-home-mum had to butt into the evenings plans like that and expect everyone to change their plans to suit her. And I think the group who left were very rude not to say 'we've been thinking, it might be nice to call to X's house as she's there by herself, are you up for coming along?' to the other half of the group in the pub.

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