to wonder how to get my mother to go to a counsellor?

[kiritekanawa]

Have posted on here before about her. She has massive confidence issues - which would be eminently discussable with a counsellor or psychologist or psychiatrist - that make her a complete pain in the backside to deal with.

She makes stuff up all the time, is chippy in the extreme about other people's failings, exceptionally petulant (particularly when reality doesn't match up to what she's said), exceptionally vain, nasty in a teenage girl kind of way, and (the main one) everything is always someone else's fault and someone else is always at fault for oppressing her. i know I need to apply empathy and sympathy, she's my mum, etc. - but actually, she's resented me since I was born, so I've spent much of the last 38 years as the black sheep who has always done something nasty to spoil her day.

I've just got off a phonecall where - in front of other people who were guests, I"d rung up to say hello to them all - she was telling me how it's my fault that she's never "been allowed to" go skiing. FFS she's 69 years old. Apparently I, while swanning around Europe and "frequently skiing at Chamonix", disdainfully tell her "oh Mum, you just wouldn't be any good at it. Stay home." and therefore, she's NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO DO SOMETHING SHE"S WANTED ALL HER LIFE.

Actually - I"ve never been to Chamonix. I went to a village in the French alps as a 16 year old on exchange, and spent 2 days falling over on the baby ski slope. I've subsequently been once to Switzerland and spent 3 days falling over on a baby slope. i'm not really into downhill skiing. What I said to my mother, while nursing a sprained knee and wrist after the second skiing trip, was "are you sure it's a good idea, and are you really sure it's what you want, because it's quite easy to get injured on a really crowded, icy ski slope, and quite difficult to recover from broken arms and legs and hips, and you don't like speed anyway". I said this, on speakerphone. She blew up and told me I was lying and sly and unpleasant and how I always have to have the last word.

Everything like this gets turned around and thrown back in my face. She needs a counsellor. I know how helpful they are, having been kept alive by them for about a decade once i moved out of home and realised just how abnormal it was.

How do i get her to go and see someone? Of course she doesn't need a counsellor, it's OTHER PEOPLE oppressing her!

Kiri I'm really sorry that you have to cope with this. I'm also sorry to have to tell you that she doesn't have confidence issues, I suspect she does have narcissitic tendencies, though. The best thing you can do is walk away, I've had a fabulous couple of years without my mother doing this to me and no, I don't feel any guilt anymore either. In fact that only lasted for a couple of weeks. You've been her ball to kick for 38 years, don't allow her to do this to you. You are obviously intelligent and articulate, so why put yourself through this?
I'd suggest you take a look at the Stately Homes thread in relationships too.
I hope you resolve this.

If she isn't open to counselling I'm afraid nothing you say will make any difference.
If counselling isn't entered into freely and instigated by the client it's not an appropriate intervention.

Sorry that you're having such a difficult time with your Mum. The simple answer is you can't and she'd probably twist any suggestion she should into another perceived attack on her. If she was to get any benefit from therapy she'd have to go of her own volition and be motivated to want to change her behaviour. It's easy to waste all your energy trying to change others but it's ultimately futile unless they want to change. Just try and buffer yourself against her unreasonable behaviour.

Thanks all. I buffer myself by only phoning twice a week, and living too far away for casual visits.

It's sad - she has really poisoned my Dad's attitude since he has retired. For his sake, and that of their grandkids, I'd really like to see her sort out some of the issues and be more comfortable with the world.

She brought us up with terrible attitude problems, and in some sense I was lucky because I have a career where attitude problems will destroy you, so I had a terrible attitude, crashed and burned, hit rock-bottom with suicidal depression and then got rescued by NHS counsellors and psychs. It became obvious to me that i needed to change how I related to the world.

My sister on the other hand just has a terribly difficult life where other people don't like her and take things the wrong way a lot, and force her to do things... thankfully my sister is a bit more self-aware than our mother, but not much.

But you're right, counselling or any form of therapy has to be entered into willingly.