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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off at my flatmate?

51 replies

elvenbread · 06/09/2014 08:05

She knows it's a big weekend for me. I have an event today and tomorrow that I need to be at my best for. She came home drunk about midnight with a guy. They were so bloody clouding talking and shouting downstairs that I could hear them for well over an hour and it took me over two hours to get back to sleep. Then st 7 this morning he left so I got woken up again with doors bashing. She'll sleep all day and I'll not be able to. She bloody knew this weekend was important.
I am actually so angry that I'm considering handing her notice. She's late 20s so should know how to be considerate. Any other weekend I would be a bit cross but I'd survive but grrrr ffs.

OP posts:

puntasticusername · 06/09/2014 09:23

YANBU for being annoyed, but why on earth did you (from the sound of it) let the noise go on for an hour without going and asking them to STFU?

wigglylines · 06/09/2014 09:23

How are things otherwise between you? Were you happy sharing with her before this weekend?

Zippidydoodah · 06/09/2014 09:23

If course you're not being unreasonable and I'm that anyone would think you are! She should have been more considerate. If someone-anyone- is asleep when you come in, you try to be quiet. Not least if they'd specifically asked you to be due to an event.

simontowers2 · 06/09/2014 09:24

If you're happy to take her money each month i'm not sure how you can complain OP. YADBU.

Hellokittycat · 06/09/2014 09:28

Did you specifically ask her to be quiet this weekend? Sounds more like you've told her you have an event this weekend and have expected her to put two and two together to work out that you are nervous about it and need extra consideration the night before?

WooWooOwl · 06/09/2014 09:28

YANBU.

The fact that she pays money to rent a room from you doesn't give her the right to be inconsiderate and make a love of noise late at night.

Homeowners don't have the right to disturb their neighbours at midnight so I can't see why people are saying that it's ok for this women to do it just because she pays rent.

Original poster

elvenbread · 06/09/2014 09:29

Simon it's not like I'm taking her money for nothing. She moved into a newly renovated house and gets all bills included in her rent.

OP posts:

wigglylines · 06/09/2014 09:46

Pumpkinsmummy i disagree with you completely. If she owns the flat or is subletting she does absolutely get to say what goes. The law is on her side too, lodgers have very few rights. She can evict her lodger for any reason she likes, and if there is no contract, she doesn't even to give much notice IIRC.

We sublet rooms for a while. For the most part we were very keen for our lodgers to feel it was their home. But it's common for people renting to lodgers to lay down rules like no one night stands, or no guests even! Up to the lodger whether they find that acceptable or not.

ReadyToBreak · 06/09/2014 09:47

She's a lodger, sounds like there are more issues than just this inconsiderate night of noise.

Giver her notice and find a new one.

YADNBU!

Hope today/this weekend goes ok for you!

Trills · 06/09/2014 09:48

Whether her bills are included in the rent or if the house has been renovated is totally irrelevant.

Doors "bashing" at 7am - you can't complain about that. People are allowed to get up and leave the house at 7am, and to do so they will need to open and close doors. You are thinking of it as "bashing" because you are already in a bad mood.

Talking loudly midnight-1am might be unreasonable behaviour, but it might not.
Were they really be LOUD, or is the setup of your house just one that means that talking at all will wake you up?
Is it a regular occurrence, or infrequent?
Did you actually TELL her that you needed a quiet night because you have an event today?

wigglylines · 06/09/2014 09:52

FWIW we were very laid back and welcomed guests and didn't mind one night stands. But that was our choice. It helped that we lived in a huge flat with great sound proofing, and i'm a heavy sleeper.

Now we live in a small house with 2 kids, lodgers certainly would not be welcome to stagger with randoms like the OPs lodger. That they pay rent is neither here nor there.

wigglylines · 06/09/2014 10:01

OP, whether she was being unreasonable or not depends on what you said to her before and whether this was a one off or part of a bigger picture.

She might not have known she'd woken you up. I'm a heavy sleeper and that probably wouldn't have disturbed me. If it had i would have gone down and asked them to keep it down. As you didn't they didn't actually know they'd woken you up, did they?

I'd say if you generally like living with her, let her know the sound proofing isn't great and if she's up late it'll wake you up. And let her know you need a quiet house next time something like this comes up.

Or if there are existing issues and you're not comfortable with her there give her notice. It's your house, your call.

chesterberry · 06/09/2014 10:22

To be honest I think that coming home with a single friend at midnight and talking in the living room for an hour on a Friday night is not massively unreasonable behaviour - had it been a weekday night, 5 friends or 2/3am I would say she was being unreasonable but midnight seems fine.

Did you go downstairs during the hour they were talking/shouting to ask them to be quieter? If so and they then carried on then YANBU to feel upset, but if you didn't then I feel YABU as they probably didn't realise they had disturbed you. I also wonder how much you had said to her about being quiet this weekend - was it explicitly said that you would need sleep this weekend and as such asked that she be extra quiet overnight or are you just assuming she would infer this behaviour without any request from you?

As others have said although it is your house it is your lodger's home too for as long as she pays rent to be there and you can't expect her to put her life on hold for you. I'd also consider that if she is at a different place in her life to you then your expectations of what is/isn't reasonable behaviour on a Friday night may be different. As I said I think midnight on a Friday night is a reasonable time to be coming home (I'd consider that early in fact) and wouldn't really think about making noise talking to a friend I'd brought home at that time. Clearly to you that is unreasonable, but have you told her that? I think the problem here sounds more like you and your lodger's lifestyles and expectations being incompatible with each other (and possibly a lack of communication) rather than either of you being particularly unreasonable.

Regardless of whether she is, or isn't, acting in an unreasonable way it does sound like the lodging arrangement isn't working out for you and like this is probably the last straw after a number of things you're unhappy about regarding her behaviour and attitude. In that case I don't think you would be unreasonable to give your lodger a fair amount of notice and ask her to move out. Hopefully you may find a new lodger who would be better suited to your home and the set of ideals you hold and equally hopefully your lodger can find the same. Good luck.

Trills · 06/09/2014 10:23

It sounds like you don't like her and don't want her living with you.

So give her a reasonable amount of notice, and get someone else in. You don't need a reason beyond not wanting her to live with you.

If she was being extra loud, then you'll have no problem finding someone quieter.

If you live in a house with poor soundproofing, and if you think that people should never come in at 12 and talk, or never get up at 7am and open and shut doors, then you may have more trouble.

Trills · 06/09/2014 10:23

It sounds like you don't like her and don't want her living with you.

So give her a reasonable amount of notice, and get someone else in. You don't need a reason beyond not wanting her to live with you.

If she was being extra loud, then you'll have no problem finding someone quieter.

If you live in a house with poor soundproofing, and if you think that people should never come in at 12 and talk, or never get up at 7am and open and shut doors, then you may have more trouble.

FatherDickByrne · 06/09/2014 10:24

Another one who thinks YANBU. Might be worth working out what you want from her as a lodger & having a conversation. If she doesn't like it, she can always move out. We made it clear to our lodger that as he was renting a single room in a small flat, we wouldn't want overnight guests. He accepted that & it works well. Bills are included in his rent but if he had people staying regularly, this would push them up. It would also massively change the dynamic. Hope the event goes well!

AmysTiara · 06/09/2014 11:34

YANBU surely one weekend isnt much to ask for. A bit of consideration isnt too much to expect.

whattodonext2014 · 06/09/2014 12:04

YANBU and I can't really see the logic behind all of these YABUs!

Surely if you know that somebody you live with is asleep then you do your best not to wake them regardless of the time of day or who it is (flatmate, family member etc) because it is just basic courtesy! Surely speaking in a quiet voice and closing doors quietly wouldn't have been too much effort for your flatmate.

PoppadomPreach · 06/09/2014 13:48

whattodonext - i completely agree but on here there seems to be so many who think THEY ARE ENTITLED to behave however they like and screw the rest of us. especially if they have paid for something. does my head in this attitude - think we need a little more respect and consideration and perhaps the world might just be a little happier.....

ChickenMe · 06/09/2014 14:43

Yanbu.
You may have to get rid. I was going to suggest a warning but I think it would cause a bad atmosphere. She's not compatible with you. It's your house so what you say goes. Tell her to take her party lifestyle elsewhere and get someone more sensible/mature.

PumpkinsMummy · 08/09/2014 13:32

Ah, lodger is different from flatmate. In that case you DO make the rules and are entitled to ask her to abide by them (within reason of course). Leaving the bathroom in a state is not on either.

PeppermintInfusion · 08/09/2014 15:44

YANBU

She is your lodger, the relationship is not equal- what you say goes if you own the house and she needs to respect that.
I would set some ground rules with her- times it's fine to have people round, that there will be times when she can't, etc etc.

whois · 08/09/2014 15:45

Liberal it is her fault I coukdnt get back to sleep. She woke me in the first place

No, that's you being all stressy and winding yourself up.

Why didn't you get up and ask her to be quiet?

I think it's a bit annoying, but it is her home too (yeah even if you actually own it) and it's part and parcel living with other people.

FYI I always found PHD students to be good housemates - enough money to pay the bills, enough work to keep them quiet :-)

cherrybombxo · 08/09/2014 16:04

I had an absolute horror of a flatmate for a year until I moved away to live with DP last September. I initially moved in with a lovely gay couple but they broke up and the nicer one moved out fairly soon into my tenancy, leaving the other one to make my life a misery. He got a job in a bar and started coming home at 3am every morning, holding loud phone conversations, clattering about in the kitchen, cooking with the extractor fan (which shared a wall with my headboard!) on, playing music or - even better - bringing groups of drunken friends home when I had to be up at 7am. One girl got absolutely hammered and when I asked them to keep it down (after three hours of music and laughter) she threatened me and started banging on my bedroom door, screaming that I was a mouthy c**t and she wanted to fight me. When he wasn't using our front room to host raves, he'd have various friends and family members setting up camp on our couch, including his mother, who stayed for THREE WEEKS with no warning from him or any sort of timescale for her departure. I'd like to point out that she arrived two days after his dad had left after five days on my couch. I'd almost understand if they were from a very distant country but they lived on a Scottish island and we were in Edinburgh. Don't even get me started on the money troubles when I moved out, that little prick still owes me £60.

Sorry to hijack the thread but that was cathartic! I still have fantasies about running into him on the street and beating the living shit out of him

YANBU. If someone has to be up early in the morning, you don't make a racket in the middle of the night. Common sense!

writtenguarantee · 08/09/2014 16:45

YABU. She was inconsiderate to wake you up, but she shouldn't have to put her life in hold for your event.

Coming in quietly late at night is not putting your life on hold. It's normal courtesy.

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