Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU to consider ending this friendship?

22 replies

Newbeee · 05/09/2014 22:59

I'm not sure if I should continue this friendship and put up with feeling undervalued, or say 'no more' but lose a friend I like very much.

Contact with her is extremely sporadic, and mostly initiated by me. She once cut contact with me for about a year with no explanation - texts, emails and phone calls all not returned. She has been the same with other mutual friends, and I know it is mostly down to laziness/lack of desire to be social.

She is extremely unreliable and I've learned not to count on her - she has previously offered to help me arrange events in a fit of enthusiasm, then either has to be chivved along or completely forgets all together.

We have been friends for a few years, and I really enjoy her company. I often make allowances for her knowing that she is a bit of a homebody/not a keen socialiser. Still though, I'm starting to feel like a bit of a chump. There have been times when she contacts me to arrange to meet up, we make most arrangements, but before one vital detail like the time/location has been agreed she just drops out of the conversation, then makes a lame excuse later about having been busy. Sometimes she doesn't even bother to do that, I just hear nothing.

Yeah, the more I read this the more I sound like a doormat. Time to woman up I think...just not sure how best to proceed. End it, or have the talk? Your views would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

BobbyDazzler1 · 05/09/2014 23:10

Errr I'm not sure! If she's like this with others then you know it's nothing personal. It sounds like she's quite an introvert and a bit socially shy. Is she a happy person would you say? How would she feel if she compared her life to yours? It's just sometimes people who feel inferior withdraw like this....

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/09/2014 23:13

"Me and Susie are doing xyz on Tuesday if you fancy coming too."

If she comes, great. If not, nothing lost - just go with Susie.

Original poster

Newbeee · 05/09/2014 23:26

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's nothing personal, although can't help but think I wouldn't treat someone I genuinely respected this way. Although I suppose that's on me for taking it. Also fairly sure it's nothing to do with social anxiety/insecurity/depression. She is a very confident person. I honestly think laziness is the main culprit.

OP posts:

mymoonandstars · 05/09/2014 23:35

The flurry of enthusiasm makes me wonder if she really wants to be able to meet you and do all the things she has said she is going to do, and then is struck by anxiety which causes her to withdraw and not respond. Confident people feel anxiety too and its bloody exhausting keeping up a facade when you are trying so hard not to look anxious.

BlueBrightBlue · 05/09/2014 23:48

I wholeheartedly agree with the previous poster. I am very stressed at the moment and often agree to do things without giving it much thought.
Perhaps you ought to suggest just asking her to pop over if she's ever at a loose end and leave it at that.

GrumpyRedhead · 05/09/2014 23:52

This post could have been written about me!

I'm like the friend you describe, I'm rubbish at texting back, not particularly sociable, and probably very annoying.

I don't do it on purpose. It's hard to explain... I find that the less I see a friend, the harder it is to know what to say, so then I take ages to respond, which means the conversation doesn't flow, which makes it even harder to know what to say... I dunno. I don't really have any friends and it's like I'm out of practice or something. Your friendship might mean more to her than you think, maybe it just doesn't come as easily for her as it does for you.

AgentZigzag · 05/09/2014 23:54

I don't think you're been a doormat, and you seem to know full well what she's like, it's just that you don't want to accept it in a friend.

What is it that ties you to her?

Why do you keep trying to see her knowing she won't be up for it?

Is it because you miss her as a person in your life, or is it because you're trying to protect yourself from the possibility that her being flakiness could be taken as a criticism of you somehow?

AgentZigzag · 05/09/2014 23:56

I'm like it too Grumpy (although I'm probably more awkward than grumpy )

Billynomates71 · 06/09/2014 00:03

New bee, you could be talking about me? Do I know you? I do this a lot, and honestly just get busy and keep thinking, must sort something out with doodah.

I also am not as confident as people think, and don't really have many friends, maybe because I treat them this way, and maybe I treat them this way because I genuinely don't think they think of me as an important friend, ie they won't miss me.

I'm crap at relationships.

DancingDinosaur · 06/09/2014 00:04

Depends. Do you like her? Sometimes you just have to accept people for who they are. I have a friend like this, but I love her to bits. Theres still a place for her in my life, even if she is flaky at times.

Billynomates71 · 06/09/2014 00:04

Andy what grumpy redhead said ^

Original poster

Newbeee · 06/09/2014 08:12

Wow, starting to feel kind of bad for how I've been approaching this. Her friendship does mean a lot to me - we have a lot of history and have had many good times in the past. Zigzag - some hard questions you've asked there, but I think my motives are above board. When I have to do all the chasing/get left hanging it makes me feel pretty rotten, so part of it is how it reflects on me I suppose. Pretty sure if this were a romantic relationship I'd be getting told 'they're just not that into you' and to stop embarrassing myself. If I got an awkwardness vibe from her what you're all saying would make more sense to me. I dunno - maybe she hides it well. It certainly looks like apathy from here.

OP posts:

scarletforya · 06/09/2014 08:24

Wow. I'd just let the friendship slide. Looking at her actions, she's just not that bothered. I wouldn't humiliate myself chasing her any more.

Whether it's anxiety/laziness, whatever doesn't matter. You're not her therapist anyway. If she had got genuine socialising problems then only she can fix them. If she wants to.

kd73 · 06/09/2014 08:37

I had exactly the same with a friend I met at antenatal, I always made the effort she always made excuses on not coming out. It made me feel bad and I missed seeing her. Sadly she felt differently as when I tried to improve communication, she had moved on and wasn't interested I felt sad for about a week but clearly we had different values and loyalty was not so big a thing for her. My life is worth more than chasing friends who can't be bothered and won't be around when life is tough. Sorry!

GrumpyRedhead · 07/09/2014 13:22

Agent, same could definitely be said for me, DP teases me that I'm grumpy because of my bitchy resting face

OP, I'd imagine that I come across as lazy. Most would probably think I'm quite confident, I can hold down a general chat with a stranger no problem, but that's because I genuinely don't care what a stranger thinks. With friends it becomes harder for me.

I also have the "fits of enthusiasm" you describe, which my posting history here would probably show! I still think your friendship probably means more to her than you think, but I don't think ywbu to consider ending the friendship. You've as much right to be happy as she does, and it sounds like it could just be left to fizzle quite easily.

seasavage · 07/09/2014 13:32

Have you asked her what she would prefer?
I am not particularly comfortable with getting out and probably get a bit akward to 'pin down' but I'd welcome friends at any hour at my door / would be happy to drop in when it's a good time for them.

Tiptops · 07/09/2014 13:57

I can identify with some of the details in your post. I can be enthusiastic about making plans but when it comes to the crunch not able to follow them through. I wouldn't just drop out of a conversation with no explanation but I do relegate on some plans.

None of it is down to laziness or a lack of desire to be sociable. I have crippling anxiety and am an introvert. Being an introvert means I don't crave social situations, but if someone makes a suggestion for future plans I can go along with it because it sounds like a lovely idea. But when it comes to committing properly I get myself in a panic and think I can't do it.

None of that means you shouldn't end the friendship. If it isn't working for you, then that's probably best because I doubt your friend's character will change.

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2014 23:17

'DP teases me that I'm grumpy because of my bitchy resting face'

DH has never noticed mine, but I have been told in the past that I look right arsey when my face is at rest

I think it's a defence mechanism, 'do not approach, I bite' dressing up anxiety as aggression.

If her friendship, in whatever form it takes, means a lot to you OP, then it's worth maybe leaving it to see what shape it takes without you putting much/any effort in.

You won't feel as though she's rejecting you and she...well, nothing will change for her will it? Because the problem you have with her is that she won't put herself out to meet up with you.

It could be that even though she doesn't follow through with the plans to meet up, she's realised you have expectations and is making an effort but can't pull it off for whatever reason.

Could you just ask her outright WTF's going on?

MistressDeeCee · 07/09/2014 23:31

I don't think Id want to spend effort trying to analyse and 2nd guess a friend regarding her not wanting to meet up with me. Unless it was a lifelong friend and I felt there was something amiss with her, perhaps. If not, Id let it go. You can't force friendship. Maybe what she is displaying is her character, doesn't have to mean there's something wrong with her or she is unwell in anyway. We all have our ways.

Gabbyandco · 08/09/2014 02:00

Can you not contact her and see how long it takes for her to contact you? That should give you some idea of the value she places on your friendship.

smellysocksandchickenpox · 08/09/2014 02:23

sounds like she struggles socially not that she can't be @rsed with you. I would invite her to things that you are going to do anyway - she might find this easier as it's less pressure, and from your POV you're not missing out or turning down offers if she doesn't show.

I had this for a while with a friend and I just stopped arranging things where I would be "let down" if she didn't come and just invited her along with my existing plans - no pressure either way. If it was anyone else I would have let the friendship slip away but when I did see her she was worth her weight in gold, she still is except years later she is happier in herself and due to that a much more reliable friend - more reliable than me at the moment actually!

Original poster

Newbeee · 08/09/2014 18:41

It's right that you can't expect ppl to change for you; you have to accept them for who they are, or don't have them in your life. And if she's socially anxious then I can't expect her to change that just because I want more contact. That said, just dropping out of convos and cutting contact without explanation is not cool. So, I think I will talk to her about that a bit. Feel like from talking to you guys I have a better understanding of her motivations, so thank you for that.

OP posts:

Flip