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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Over protective mother?

47 replies

Monstermonkeymum · 05/09/2014 21:10

We are due to go to a Wedding in three weeks. It would start at 3pm and although we could leave at the end, as it is 2 hrs plus from our house and all dp's friends and partners have freed themselves of babies and are booked into the same hotel, he would like to stay in the hotel with them all.

However, we have a six month old, entirely bf ds to consider who has never been away from his mother and doesn't really know either sets of grandparents due to distance. There are a couple of possible scenarios but dp feels I am being over protective and a little unreasonable for my choice. Two I would prefer to discount are for me not to go to the wedding or for us to take our baby, who will be the only one, and leave and drive back meaning dp will miss seeing his friends. So we need to arrange a babysitter essentially. This is what I would like, so we can both go and stay but means leaving ds on his own for the first time from 11am on the Sat until a similar time the following morning, which feels like a long time to me and has me worried and quite anxious.

This is the problem. I would like my parents to come and stay at ours. Ds is awful when away and his sleep is terrible in his travel cot, as well as being rubbish at taking bottles or expressed milk, so this would keep familiar surroundings and routines at least. Dp wants ds to stay with his parents which would involve driving 3hrs to drop ds off before an hour drive to the wedding and the same back, unfamiliar surroundings, travel cot etc. Ds doesn't know either set of grandparents much so no difference here.

I am nervous myself about leaving him and know this is part of the problem. But I also firstly and most importantly want to minimise impact on ds. Dp thinks I am being unreasonable and over protective and ds would be fine with his mother, who he wants to have time with ds. I think ds will just be more difficult in unfamiliar surroundings. It is not about which grandparents for me, and would happily have his stay at our house if closer. But this has caused real conflict now and I am unsure if I am being too overprotective. It is getting to the point where i will just not go to the wedding. Am i being unreasonable? Apologies for long post.

OP posts:

vichill · 05/09/2014 21:46

I wouldn't go personally. I think it would be too stressful for him and the 6 hour round trip for him only slightly less mean. If he won't take a bottle and sleeps poorly without you, you really aren't going to be able to relax even if you did go.

littlejohnnydory · 05/09/2014 21:46

I'd definitely take him with you - either that or send dp on his own. Contrary to what someone else said, We're on DC4 and it's taken longer for us to leave each one...but none of my ebf babies would have been ok for 24 hours tbh, the only one I'd left at all at that age was the first and only for an hour or two. The others hadn't even been left with dh at that age - so by my standards, you're definitely not overprotective (and you've put into perspective for me a bit my dilemma about leaving my 2 1/2 year old overnight with my mum while we move house!)

happy2bhomely · 05/09/2014 21:51

You say baby is rubbish at taking bottles of expressed milk. And yet you are considering leaving him for 24 hrs? Maybe I am overprotective, but I would not leave my EBF 6 month old without easy access to my milk for more than a couple of hours.

I have 5 DC, so definitely not pfb. Our youngest is 15 months and still breast feeds. I can only leave her for 6 hrs (with DH) before she gets upset and wants to feed. It's a huge source of comfort to her.

Take him with you.

MrsMook · 05/09/2014 21:52

I didn't feel ready to leave mine until they were close to 1 and had dropped a lot of feeds. Aside from their milk demands, the engorgement would have been unbearable.

My first choice would be to take baby, and then miss it. I did a lot for short stints between feeds, but overnight had too many difficulties at that stage.

Original poster

Monstermonkeymum · 05/09/2014 21:57

I agree. I would rather not be away from him for feeds and am super anxious he will end up tired and distressed which would not be good for him or mil / my parents whoever had him. I think I need to be more confident in how I feel and not be away from him so long, meaning he comes with us even if I only stay a while. Or, if no babies, I don't go. It's a relief to hear others say they wouldn't / or would worry as was feeling over protective, but it is a long time to leave him :(

OP posts:

MamaPain · 05/09/2014 22:00

I would absolutely not take the baby with me. What a right palaver.

I have 5DC and always left them with my parents from a young age because its far more disruptive for them to be taken along. It sounds like you wanted to go for a relaxed night away with friends not a bloody extended family trip.

I can't understand why your DH is unhappy, surely your parents coming means he doesn't have to drive an extra 12 hours.

Is he just jealous that the baby will spend more time with your parents than his or does he think his parents are more capable?

murmuration · 05/09/2014 22:02

I wouldn't have left my EBF DD for that long at 6mo. When she was that age, I had a work event to attend and DD managed about 5hrs with DH before she was screaming for milk (I couldn't express much, so she only had about 20mls to have, and wouldn't take bottles and wasn't particularly good with a cup at that age either...). Taking him with you sounds like the best plan, whether or not you have some GP there to look after him.

redglasses · 05/09/2014 22:04

Your baby is only 6 months old, he needs his mum. If you say he doesn't know either set of grandparents or doesn't take the bottle why put him through stress like that. Surely you will have plenty of other opportunities to go to weddings/parties etc. My DS is 7m, ebf and the longest I have left him with my friends (who see him weekly) was 6 hours when he was 5.5m. Apparently he was crying a lot while I was away (he is generally a very happy baby) and was very clingy the next few days. I wouldn't leave him for 24h at least until he is about 12m.

Whyisitsodifficult · 05/09/2014 22:06

I think you know deep down you're not ready to leave him! Also have you considered that if you do leave him you will may have to express or end up very leaky and uncomfortable! Do what's right for you and baby!

DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 05/09/2014 22:07

I would never leave my babies at that age. I only start to feel happy about leaving them for a few hours when established into solids better at about 9 months, and certainly not overnight as they breastfeed so much overnight.

Personally I would either take him or not go. Dd attended an evening wedding reception at 13 months and slept most if it in a sling quite happily. We only left when the loud band came on for the final set!

happy2bhomely · 05/09/2014 22:09

Yes OP! Be more confident in how you feel. I promise you, you are not being overprotective. The way you are feeling is perfectly natural for some mums. I didn't leave pfb overnight until he was 3. (I was in hospital having dd)

Original poster

Monstermonkeymum · 05/09/2014 22:15

Just been downstairs to dp and had this conversation. We have agreed baby comes or I dont go :). I think he is a little disappointed mil won't get time with ds, but he did understand better now I was a bit more open about how I felt. Thanks for the support all and your honesty. Really helped me get some clarity. Not a huge fan or weddings anyway :)

OP posts:

mamababa · 05/09/2014 22:20

I took my DS (4.5 months at the time) to a friend's wedding. At 7pm after day 'do' I did the whole bedtime routine in hotel, feed etc and put to 'bed' in pushchair. Rocked him in it. Asleep by 7.30, hood up, muslin over hood and off to evening do. Slept soundly till 11.30pn in disco etc, bottle of expressed milk and slept in travel cot. Simples!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 05/09/2014 22:30

Not a huge fan or weddings anyway

Then stay home! Pack DH off with a kiss and paracetamol! Plan your weekend, no housework, no 'slog' - just enjoying DS and doing what you want to do! Maybe even 'book' your parents in a for an hour or two of babysitting and have a massage or pedicure or something?!

PecanNut · 05/09/2014 22:30

I'm a bit late to the thread, but just to say I think you've done the right thing and am glad your DP has agreed with you.

Even with my 4th DC I felt 6 months was too soon to leave them overnight.

Your PIL will have lots of lovely times to look forward to with your baby as he grows up, maybe you need to reassure your DP of that.

My youngest is 18 months now and PIL are coming to stay in our house whilst we have a similar night in a hotel in a couple of weeks time - I can't wait. It all gets easier, honest!

TiffanyToothache · 05/09/2014 22:33

I wouldn't leave my 6mo ebf baby. I took my ds in similar circs, otherwise just accept you can't go.

It'll be ok if you take him, though. You will miss much of it, but your dp can enjoy time with his friends, you can all stay in a nice hotel and you will get some social time.

Jims · 05/09/2014 22:40

My lovely mum drove us to a wedding, looked after my ds1 (about 5 months old) and texted me whenever he needed a feed and then drove us home for one wedding. (She preferred to drive her car). It wasn't an overnight though. He was absolutely fine. Would your parents contemplate going with you?

rallytog1 · 05/09/2014 22:52

Not sure if this helps, but I took my dd to a wedding at a similar age. She just sat on our knees through the ceremony and meal (took it in turns to eat), was up on the dance floor with us for a good while, conked out in her pram at about 9.30pm, and we left about 11.30pm. Stayed in a hotel and she slept fine for the rest of the night.

I think it's good for babies to have a change to their routine once in a while - you may find it's easier and less disruptive than you imagine. I always thought my dd would go bonkers if her routine changed but they can and do go with the flow much better than you'd imagine sometimes...

Cheeky76890 · 05/09/2014 23:01

Ask DHs parents to have him but Pop into the hotel lots so you can feed.

Cheeky76890 · 05/09/2014 23:02

It's ok for DH his boob won't be in agony and he don't be seeing a desperate child needing his mothers boobs

Bolshybookworm · 05/09/2014 23:06

Sounds like you've found a good solution. Just remember, you can always use your boobs as an excuse at times like this (engorgement is NOT fun)

I totally understand though- even when I've known, rationally, that my babies will be fine, I've never liked leaving them for extended periods when they're so little. You spend so much time with them that you physically miss them.

MummyLuce · 06/09/2014 19:52

Take your baby! It sounds like you don't want to leave him. So don't. He's so tiny still. I wouldn't leave my babies at that age for longer than a half day

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