to think my mum should tell me things about my dad, like rows and things

[fluffywhiterabbit]

could be doing something like going on a walk and mum will be slagging my dad off to me, saying oh he got really grumpy with me about xyz

clearly she wants me to say oh did he, how out of order
but most things he gets fed up with her over i can see why

but anyway

i don't want to get involved or hear it

surley this is not normal behaviour is it???

i would never gossip/bitch about my dh to my mother in a million years
that's what friends and you lot are for!

anyway wwyd?

Sounds like she wants a bit of support

My mum tells me things about my stepdad and their disagreements. I like PPaka said, she needs a bit of support and i think I'm the only person she feels she can talk about it to. Maybe it's harder to hear if it it's your own dad. How old are you? I think I'm old enough to be sufficiently detached to be supportive, but I guess if I was younger I may not have liked it.

My mum told me too much about my dad when I was a young teen and older, way too much info. Really unfairly coloured my childhood, my behaviour in relationships, my view of him and especially my view of her. She had best friends she could have spoken to.

My mum did this to us from when we were small children. She also canvassed opinion on whether she should divorce him or not when we were teens.

She did divorce him, but not until after 20 years of marriage and an affair with a married man. I thought she was a selfish bitch, and still do! My dad was a far from perfect Husband to her, but I didn't/don't care. She should have spoken to her mum, sister, friends. Anyone but us!

IMHO, I feel it's bad form to :

a) bitch about a DH/DP to anyone (even a friend and definitely not DM or family member)

• private things should be worked out between the couple, not discussed and spread around;

b) for one parent to bitch about the other parent to the 'child'

• it divides loyalties and exposes the child to things about that parent that they should not know about.
• It burdens the child into becoming a therapist.

From your OP it isn't clear if you have told her you find it unacceptable.

I think it is a habit she has got into - I certainly wouldn't like it and would tell her so.

If she persists you need to be clear and say she needs to find another outlet for all her Dad related woes, and you won't be able to spend so much time with her if all she can talk about is how much she dislikes your Dad/about her problems with him.

It really isn't on to do this and burden you when it is your Dad she is talking about. Bad form.

It's very unfair- their marriage is not your marriage and neither should draw you in to take sides. It's very selfish behaviour and I've seen a friend exposed all her life to it from her mother- in her case it's abusive and out of order. If your DM needs support against her DH, your dad, she should have her own friends and siblings to draw from, not get you involved.

The other problem with her bitching, especially if you can see she is in the wrong, is she's looking for validation in all the wrong places and wouldn't like your reply if you truly gave it.

My mum does it a little bit. Generally she has a point, dad is probably behaving unreasonably as a husband. But, well, he's my dad so I don't really want to hear it. But I want to support my mum. Tricky!

I think It is bad form for a parent to bitch about another parent to their child. Even if a day came that I hated the sight of DP, our child will never hear me say a bad word about him.

My mum would take great joy in telling me what an arsehole my father was. Her favourite story to tell was how he 'tricked her' into believing he couldn't have kids which led to me being conceived. Each an every one of my friends has been told that one on numerous occasions.

If its something minor and she just wants a little rant then I probably wouldn't mind indulging her. Anything more than that and I wouldn't want to know.

She does sound like she wants a bit of support. But YANBU to not want to be it! I don't think it's good for parents to do this to their children, but I suspect it's actually quite normal.

Let her know gently that it's not fair on you since he's also your Dad and if you can, help her build a support network that doesn't rely on you.

i haven't told her flat out i don't want her to talk to me about dad
maybe i should but i worry about hurting her...

she can be quite,er sensitive

say if she said dads really grumpy with me about xy or z and i said well i kinda agree with dad really, she wpuld get the hump
not actually listen and reflect

i mainly avoid being alone with her
im late 30s

It's not fair of her to put you in that position, I'd be really hurt if my DH was trying to draw our kids into gripes about me. It seems a shame that you now mainly avoid being alone with her, is that mainly because of this issue? If it is I'd bite the bullet and tell her you don't want to hear this stuff about your dad and that you'd say the same thing to him if her started slagging her off. Is the short term consequence of her getting the hump is worth it for the chance of a more comfortable and closer relationship with your Mum in the long run?

I think its completely normal and acceptable. Surely you are the best person as you can see both perspectives and truly understand.

Also why wouldn't I bitch about my DH to MY mum? He's not her son.

I don't know - my adult DD moans to me about her boyfriends, and if DH is pissing me off then I may well moan to her about it (not her father, if that makes a difference). We're just offloading to someone who cares about us.

I think the problem is OP also cares about the person she's being invited to be drawn into bitching about and that's unfair. I think the problem with bitching about your DH to your mum is that could make her worry unnecessarily about you and it potentially puts DH in an uncomfortable position. Would you be happy for DH to bitch about you to his Mum? I think this is what friends are for

But my DD does care about my DH, very much. I suppose the difference is that if I'm being unreasonable and a menopausal cow, she'll tell me, and if she's got it wrong about her BF, I'll tell her. The OP doesn't seem able to say "Mum, you're being nuts here and I can see Dad's POV".

fluffy - you need to sit her down and talk properly about it. Spell it out that this is making you really uncomfortable.

I'm struggling with this right now - my DDad is very ill and as a result incredibly grumpy - my DMum who is not known for her empathy is getting very angry with him (some of it may be justified - but the poor man is not doing well and is not improving at all).

Anyway I am overseas and she will call me or text and 9 out of 10 times she is bitching about my DDad, I know she wants support and I want to be there for her - but he's my Dad and my heart is breaking that hes so sick and I can't be there with him.

Its a tough call OP.

I think that does make a qualitative difference Hassled, OPs Mum doesn't seem to be open to other perspectives and seems to be just wanting to draw her into siding with her against her Dad regardless of OPs feelings.