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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not known how to deal with my son on bus

31 replies

AllBoxedUp · 04/09/2014 21:58

I live in a not very diverse village outside a not very diverse city. We got the bus to the city today and there was a black lady say across the aisle from us. My DS who is nearly 4 loudly announced to me that there was a "black man" sat next to him. I told him it was a lady and it wasn't very polite to talk about people. He then carried on about how her skin was black all over so I mumbled something about us all being different.

I felt really mortified about the whole thing. He does get men and women confused a lot but I didn't know how to handle the comments about the lady's skin colour. He wasn't saying anything negative about it but I can't imagine it's much fun to have a small child point at you on a bus.

When we got off the bus we had a general talk about not pointing or commenting on other people as it's not polite focusing on the fact that he called her a man. We had a small talk about how we're all the same no matter what our skin colour too.

So, was I very unreasonable in how I dealt with it and any suggestion about how to deal with it better?

OP posts:

inthename · 05/09/2014 02:16

you handled it just fine, hes a small child, not an older child intentionally making rude comments. Maybe see if the library has a book about people of different skin colours so that he doesn't feel the need to proclaim it so loudly next time. My dad is wheelchair bound and has lost count of the times small children have been heard to proclaim very loudly 'mummy, why is father christmas (he has white hair and a white beard) in a pushchair'!

MexicanSpringtime · 05/09/2014 02:50

People understand when it is a four-year-old.

My dd was four years old in Dublin, in the days when 99.9% of the people you saw on the streets were Irish and she saw a black man coming towards us and points and says "Look mummy". Mortification! and he's just gone past out of earshot and she adds "Isn't he beautiful!"

steff13 · 05/09/2014 02:59

When my brother was little (2, maybe?), a black lady said "hi," to him at the grocery store. He said, "Mommy, that chocolate lady hi-ed me!" My mother said she wanted to sink into the floor she was so embarrassed. The lady just laughed.

I think you handled it fine. Kids point out stuff like that when they're little. People look different.

Hurr1cane · 05/09/2014 05:51

He wasn't really saying anything offensive, there was a black person on the bus, he was describing her skin, I doubt she cared to be honest.

Although I've never had to deal with it because we live in a very diverse town, i didn't grow up in one and I remember being really concerned about a man on the train once when I was 5 who was black, I thought he was burnt and needed help and loudly asked my mum what happened to him.

She just shushed me, which made it worse and I just kept asking louder and louder. If she had just told me it was the colour of his skin like you did I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

Original poster

AllBoxedUp · 05/09/2014 06:02

Thanks for the replies - I'm glad it wasn't a complete parenting fail!

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 05/09/2014 06:07

You did a good job. There is a good chapter on 'nurture shock' on this.

On my dds first day at nursery a boy tried to wash the brown of my dd. His poor dad nearly passed out.

SofiaAmes · 05/09/2014 06:13

My ds spent most of his toddlerhood announcing to everyone in sight that he wanted to grow up to be Japanese (we are decidedly caucasian) (I had told him at some point that the only country where it was considered polite to slurp your food was Japan) and asking white and asian people why they weren't black (we lived in a 95% black neighborhood at the time, so the white's really were a minority).

Sirzy · 05/09/2014 06:19

My dad was a nurse, I once asked one of his doctor colleagues "why are your hands two different colours?" When I noticed his palms were white. Apparently they joked about it for years.

His comments were nasty they were just his observations.

VashtaNerada · 05/09/2014 06:22

I think you handled it fine. We're lucky in that we live in a very diverse neighbourhood so DD generally refers to skin colour in a healthy way (using it to describe someone's appearance for example) and we're certainly not shy of mentioning someone's skin if it's relevant to the conversation. Some diverse books and TV programmes would probably help followed by a cheery "isn't it lovely how we're all different... some people are tall and some people are short... some people have dark skin and some people have light skin..."

poolomoomon · 05/09/2014 08:21

When I was three I was on a bus with DM. When a black woman got on the bus I said to my mum in a reaaalllly loud voice "Mummy, that lady is mucky. She needs a bath." My mother was mortified, luckily the woman just laughed.

It happens. I think it probably happens less so nowadays because we're a lot more multicultural and they're exposed to it through TV, books, just generally being out and about. But don't worry about it, you handled it really well.

WooWooOwl · 05/09/2014 09:09

You handled it fine, you can just use it as a reminder to introduce your child to images of people from other ethnicities and the differences and similarities.

I was brought up in a particularly diverse area of London, and I can remember thinking that if I held hands with a black child that it would come off onto my hands. Then being confused as to why it didn't. And my own Dad wasn't even white. Small children don't know stuff until someone tells them.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/09/2014 10:04

I think you handled it fine. You talked to your son about differences. It's not like you sat there and ROFL is it. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Firsttimer7259 · 05/09/2014 10:38

Im mixed race, if a child that age commented on my skin colour I would want the parent to say, yes its that colour. If a child said I was mucky and the parent looked ok/inviting I might let the child touch my hand to see it doesnt rub off, Im not mucky - just a beautiful brown colour.

Bumpsadaisie · 05/09/2014 11:12

Kids do it.

A chap walked past us with an eye-patch. "Look Mummy a PIRATE!!!"

scarletforya · 05/09/2014 11:17

A little child I used to mind asked a black woman I worked with 'Are you a girl or a boy?'. My colleague just laughed it off. The little girl was confused as my colleague has short hair.

Itsjustmeagain · 05/09/2014 11:18

Bumps - My ds (at around 3) once pointed at a man with one leg and said "look pirate" I tried to explain about it but he just wouldnt shut up I was mortified but then man and his wife were killing themselves laughing thank god.

FannyFifer · 05/09/2014 11:20

My DS once got very excited on the train as a very small man got on & started shouting "look, look a mini man a mini man". That was pretty embarrassing.

thegreylady · 05/09/2014 11:21

I have never forgotten pushing dgs aged 2 in a supermarket trolley when dgs suddenly shouted,"Look a black man a black man! I want to kiss blackman!" The man was a security guard and he was wonderful. He came over and said hello to dgs then blew him a kiss. Dgs blew one back and then grabbed the man's hand and planted a big sloppy kiss in his palm saying,"Take kiss your house, bye bye!"

Shedding · 05/09/2014 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

randycheeseburger · 05/09/2014 12:34

Very normal for a 4 year old, my son noticed a guy in Lidl once who only had 1 leg, he was about 4 too and said aggggh that man only has one leg! he was fine but I was so embarrassed, there is a woman who looks after the hedges near to where we live who has very short hair and hes always saying mum whats that man doing. I put him right every time too :s

CurlyWurlyCake · 05/09/2014 12:52

Very normal and I think you handled it well.

I remember one Christmas going into Asda (staff in green uniform) and DD spotting a really short man. "Look mum there's an elf! AN ELF MUM LOOOOK ITS AN ELF DOING CHRISTMAS SHOPPING"?

And being on a bus where she was amazed at a mans nose. "It's really big mummy, have you enter seen a nose so big, that is one really big nos that man has got" I told her it wasn't polite to keep going on and the man fortunately found her funny.

DialsMavis · 05/09/2014 13:09

My DS called a lady in a burka a ninja and we live in an extremely diverse area

AllThatGlistens · 05/09/2014 14:04

Oh goodness Mavis my ds did that too!

We don't live in a particularly diverse area, he has ASD so is incredibly literal and had an obsession with Power Rangers at the time, he must have been about 5-6; we were in Camelot and he yelled out,

"WOW! Check out the ninjas! Are they gonna fight? This is so cool!"

I apologised and once again started explaining about different cultures and religions etc, whilst the group in question glared at me.

Ooops

NoImSpartacus · 05/09/2014 14:13

Am I a bad person that most of these posts made me smile?

I think most adults know that children cannot be censored and that is the beauty of them, their words are innocent and there is no malice intended. I'm glad most of the people on the receiving end of these comments saw the funny side.

halfdrunkcoffee · 05/09/2014 14:17

A friend of mine said that when her sister was little, she saw an old lady and announced to her mother that she needed to "iron her face" as it was wrinkly.

He is very young and I think you explained things well to him afterwards.

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