AIBU or just realistic?

[startrek90]

I am a first timer on this board but have lurked for a long time.

DH and I are expecting our first child in 6 weeks. I live in DH home country and so don't have family or friends close by. My midwife is slightly concerned by my isolation and the language barrier doesn't help.

Being without support I am having to do all the prepartaion and learning myself. I have never really been around babies and so its going to be a shock when DS shows up.

My problem is this; whenever I bring up the baby or try to sort something out for him my DH either shuts down the conversation, tells me I worry to much or ignores what I have said.

Breastfeeding for example: I have never known any woman in my family or friends who have done it successfully without problems and so I am quite wary and not so keen to do it. My DH just assumes I will and when I express worry about it tells me it will just happen naturally and to stop thinking about it and just do it.

I feel really unsupported and a little lonely. My DH thinkis the baby will fit in naturally with us ( I know, I know) and I am worrying to much. Am I? everything I have read/heard about tells me this will change my life.

Am I overancious? Should I just get on with it? Genuinely asking for opinions and/or advice please! Do I just need to grown up?

You're not being over anxious. What you've described is normal first time parent concerns. In fact it's very sensible to think about things like breastfeeding in advance as it doesn't always happen "naturally".

I would be very unhappy with my DP shutting me down like that every time I tried to raise my feelings. He's basically telling you that your feelings are unimportant. Is he like this in other areas or is it just about the baby?

If it's just about the baby then it might be his way of managing his own anxiety. I would still insist on having a serious discussion with him that you need to discuss these feelings with him without him dismissing them.

It's understandable that you feel lonely, it was pretty inevitable that you'd feel that way when you are in a foreign country with no friends or family around and you don't speak the language.

What exactly is it you're worrying about?

Of course having a baby will be life changing, and there will be times that it's difficult. Breastfeeding will have its difficult moments too, I know I had them and I had what I'd call a pretty easy time of breastfeeding. Everyone I know that successfully breastfed still had their fair share of blocked ducts and mastitis, or trouble weaning or whatever. It does just happen. And you do just get on with it.

It's fine for you to express worry, but there's not exactly a lot your dh can do about it, especially when the baby is still firmly inside you. Worrying about it won't help, maybe your DH just doesn't want you to worry yourself in to a state of anxiety which will then become a self fulfilling prophecy.

If worrying isn't actually going to achieve anything then it's destructive, and you can't expect your DH to support you in worrying when it's not going to do any good.

I don't think it's ok for the OPs DH to just shut down the conversation, ignore what's said or dismiss it as unnecessary worrying. It's not very kind or supportive.

Of course the OPs DH shouldn't be encouraging unnecessary worrying, but it sounds like the OP is unable to talk about anything at all. The DH ought to be able to sympathise and reassure, surely, rather than minimise and dismiss?

No, you are not being "over anxious". Given that you're outside your home country, have no family or friends nearby and your DH just doesn't Get It...please try and make some friends now, preferably mothers, otherwise I fear you could find yourself feeling quite isolated after your DC is born

Mumsnet is amazing, of course, you can always get lots of friendly support from posting here! But RL is v important too.

Your DH might seem as though he's being unkind by refusing to discuss your concerns, but at the same time I can kind of understand the mentality that it's not really worth worrying about most of this stuff until the time comes and you actually know what you can and can't do.

Some people do breastfeed easily and some have trouble. Having gone from the second camp to the first, I'm not really sure there's much that you can do to prepare for either scenario except familiarise yourself with the recommendations and make sure you're aware of where support might be on offer after your baby is born (including MN - there is probably as much wisdom on here as most people ever need!.

WRT to a baby being life-changing - of course it is, but again, there's not really much you can do to prepare for it other than keep an open mind and try not to let your expectations run away with you.

When you talk to him, do you couch it in terms of indulgently pontificating about what life will be like or is everything you raise from the standpoint that it is a source of concern? Is he trying to reassure you and trying to stop you from getting into a cycle of worry where you imagine progressively worse scenarios, none of which you can do much about? Have you always approached the unknown in different ways and it's only now that it's something SO BIG that you are really noticing it more?

(And congratulations! )

You need some friends if you are going to stay in the country with your dh.

I have been in your position OP.

Did you go to antenatal classes? How much of the language do you speak? I found them beneficial even though I didn't really understand everything I'd been told, as it got me out of the house and meeting with others in my position. I was actually in hospital with a couple of the women and it was comforting that I already knew them.

Can you ask your midwife if she runs or knows of any baby groups? I went to my midwife run breastfeeding group and again I was the "odd foreigner" but everyone was welcoming, it got me out of the house and I did pick up some important tips.

Don't worry about giving birth in another language, you'll be so preoccupied you won't even notice.

Can your parents come and stay around the due date? Even just for a few days it would be a help.

Have a look on the overseas boards on here. An mn'er who lived near me came and rescued me for the day when DS was a few days old

Thank you everyone.

Culture this just seems to be when I try to talk about the baby. At first I thought it was because he was nervous but he admitted that he wasn' really that bothered and that it 'doesn't feel real yet' in everything else he is really lovely and can't do enough to help/support me.

DoJo Its every conversation about the baby even things like 'have we got enough money to buy a rug for the babys room yet' he just sort of shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it.

Generally when it comes to big anxieties I usually also keep them to myself or try and prepare myself for it (like when I moved here I was so nervous as I had never vistied the country before) so this is really the first time I have really discussed my worries with him like this.

I think I just feel lonely and I don't think DH gets it. He thinks his life will continue as normal and seems almost niave about the baby. He thinks I am only so concerned about it because I am carrying DC. Maybe hes right and I shouldn't worry or think about having baby? I guess I just feel more vulnerable because I am alone here and I don't have much family anyway. It sounds silly but I just wish my mum could come :( pathetic I know

Sounds like DH has got cold feet and is worried himself and talking about the baby makes him feel even more nervous. He is trying desperately to convince himself that nothing is really going to change because he is worried about the change.

Well, that doesn't sound too promising - does he have form for using denial as a coping strategy? I kind of understand how he feels as none of it felt real to me even though I was the one who was pregnant, but I still wanted to talk about things, even if it usually was silly things that didn't really need to be 'thrashed out' before he was born.

Have you sat him down and explained that his refusal to discuss anything is making you feel isolated and vulnerable? Do you think he would dismiss that as well, even if you said 'No - I'm not worried about feeling like that, I AM feeling like that and I want you to understand that you are the person I want to talk to about it.' Even if he can't magically resolve all your worries, knowing that you are in it together is about 85% of the battle, so if he doesn't appreciate that, then perhaps he really needs it spelled out for him!

His life probably will continue more or less as normal. This is often the way. I don't think my dh talked much about out first before he came. I'm sure it is normal for them to not really get it until he/she arrives. I worry that you have no support or pals, I can't see how you can be happy living like that, children or not.

Could your mum come over?

In terms of addressing the problem can you sit him down and say what you have said here? That you feel he's not listening? Sometimes men need things spelled out for them. Would it be a cultural thing I wonder? Not sure how 'out forrin' you are.

Have you looked into any groups locally? Either for ex pats or new mums? Having some friends in the same boat would really help.

Best of luck. It can be a scary time even at home and for expectant mums who already have children.

If your DH is you're only support, there's going to be a lot of pressure on him.

Let's hope he's up to it.

(Mine wasn't, I'm now an LP)