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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for separated parents- how often does your ex see their kids?

21 replies

zazA09Jane · 04/09/2014 10:27

me and DP recently split up, I felt like a single parent when we were together because he never helped with anything, he was out every day at work and went out after and wouldnt come back until 12am..

now we have split he has been seeing 15mo ds about once a week.. we didnt arange it its just basically when he can be bothered. Now all of a sudden he wants him 4 days a week.. he works different shifts every week and he wants DS for example on the monday and then the tuesday wednesday and thursday (DS cant stay over at his house cause he lives with a friend at the moment so it would mean picking him up from mine in the morning and bringing him back before bed)

then the next week his shifts are diferent and he will want him on the monday, Wednesday, friday.. personally I dont want him to have him that often considering he refuses to change dirty nappies (most f*ing immature thing ive ever heard) he hasnt payed me any money towards him for the past two months, he gives him rubbish to eat, he doesnt have anywhere to put him for naps.. the list goes on and on basically he has never really learned how to look after a baby properly..

he says he will take me to court if I dont give him all those days.. how often do your ex DPs see their young children? mine still isnt walking or talking at all so he seems alot younger than he is.

OP posts:

JoffreyBaratheon · 04/09/2014 10:37

My ex sees the kids... never. I'd take it to court, as the chances are he will get much less than he is asking. My ex went for full custody (residency they now call it) of the kids, making all kinds of allegations against me. Know what contact the judge made in the final court order? Zero. He has no direct contact - mainly because he was a dick in court. This was when the kids were at nursery/infants school. They are now teenagers. Court is your friend.

gordyslovesheep · 04/09/2014 10:37

Money and access should not be the same issue

He has a right to see his kids - he has no right to dictate and threaten you into doing what he wants - you need to see a solicitor and inform the CSA

My ex has our children Tuesday/Thursday overnight (6-8) and 24 hours on the weekend (4pm Sat to 4pm Sunday normally)

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 04/09/2014 10:58

Mine see their dad once a week, which is more care than he ever did when he lived here!

Being older, that is fine for them and he has a rented 2 bedroom house so they can sleep there. In your situation, without being properly set up to take good care of him, I'd say once or twice a week would be enough to keep a familiar relationship with him, but it should be arranged well in advance to give you the opportunity to make the most of the time off, not just whenever he feels like it. If he gets his work roster at the start of the month then agree to days and stick to them.

If he gets a proper home with room for your DS to stay then he would probably be entitled to 50/50, but not on an ad-hoc basis, it should be set days so that your DS has some routine.

If your ex's work doesn't allow for this then it is still better for your DS to see him on random odd days than have a set pattern which means DS going to childcare or elsewhere on his 'dad's days' because "that's what the routine says".

Of course the reality is, that most of these lazy dads threaten you with taking the DCs or going for 50/50 to keep you in your place, but they don't really want that responsibility. If he can't be arsed to change a dirty nappy how will he manage for 3 or 4 full days? It won't happen.

I agree, take it to court and make sure you mention that he is paying nothing towards your DS's upkeep and get this sorted at the same time.

Original poster

zazA09Jane · 04/09/2014 11:11

exactly I cant even see how he would cope with all the days hes asking for. im just worried cause he has such a bad temper and flipped and was saying he was going to tell the court im an unfit mother ect ect but in reality hes the one always out drinking and god knows what and I look after my child 24-7

OP posts:

squoosh · 04/09/2014 11:13

It's always the worst specimens who like to threaten the mother of their children with court and accusations of being an unfit mother. Usually just a lot of hot air.

LadySybilLikesCake · 04/09/2014 11:15

Sounds like he's trying to reduce his maintenance bill.

Ds's father used to see him once or twice a week, overnight once a fortnight, but he left the UK when ds was three. He didn't see ds for the first three years, then it was for a couple of hours every 18 months until ds was 11. He hasn't seen ds for 4 years.

Maintenance and contact are not joined, but if he's claiming shared care as he looks after your child overnight on a regular basis then the maintenance he has to pay will be reduced. I'd say your child is too young and he needs to build up a relationship (and learn how to change a nappy!) first.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/09/2014 11:16

I wouldnt worry too much Jane, all men try the court thing, plus you'd probably need to do mediation first, then he got what he wants, because your the main carer.

My ex sees my DD about 4 hours whenever he can be bothered to remember she exists.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/09/2014 11:17

*he wont get

WhatWouldBlairWaldorfDo · 04/09/2014 11:18

My friend has his daughter very other weekend. She is 7 (split when she was 5) and he picks her up from school club on a friday and drops her at school on the monday morning.
He also has her to his for tea every wednesday from 5-7.

BUT
he is a brilliant dad, gets on well with his ex, pays maintenance and was very involved in her upbringing.

I think it is best for the child to have consistency and to see both parents, but if the ex isn't reliable etc then obviously that makes a difference

Lampy · 04/09/2014 11:21

My ex works away quite a lot but when he is around we have dd around 50/50 for daytimes and he has her two nights a week.

We get on well so it's an informal arrangement that changes week to week. We also do things all three of us together sometimes.

MrsRogerSterling · 04/09/2014 12:04

Never overnight (his choice) he visit's them every other weekend by coming to our house or sometimes taking them out. He lives other side of the country now so has home where we live. He stays over at his parents on the weekends he visits. Not an ideal arrangement as I never get any time alone in my own house but by saying he can't come and visit them here I feel like I am punishing the children as they enjoy his visits.

puntasticusername · 04/09/2014 13:27

He won't change dirty nappies and he has nowhere suitable for a child to sleep? He's out drinking all the time? And he thinks it's as simple as telling the judge you're an unfit mother and that's it, boom, he gets everything he wants?

Ok, I have no experience of the family courts whatsoever, but I struggle to believe that you really have anything to fear from this man.

BertieBotts · 04/09/2014 13:34

Never.

At that age though he used to see him on Saturday and/or Sunday from 12 til 5. I told him I'd discuss overnights when he stopped cancelling every 2 out of 3 weeks. (I didn't think DS would feel safe or secure there). He didn't, he just saw him less and less so he never progressed to overnights.

It's weird, my ex never used to change nappies either and yet he must have done because DS was still in nappies when he visited. I suppose he either made his girlfriend do it or DS never pooed there (he never used to poo except at home weirdly)

JoffreyBaratheon · 04/09/2014 23:50

And yes, maintenance and residency/access are not at all related. My ex has never paid a penny for his two sons - in their 14/12 years... But I was told by the solicitor not to mention that in court, as it was not seen as relevant and might be interpreted in a bad way. So the courts actually condone men/non resident parents not paying or at least, it won't be raised as an issue in court so they might as well not bother paying.

I live in a council house on minimum wage. My ex has exotic foreign holidays, swans about the world on his benefits but because he managed to con someone into giving him Incapacity benefit, he was exempt from paying me a penny. Even though I knew he had a fortune in the bank ( legacies, vexatious lawsuits, etc). Our son is 14 this week and I just told him tonight I can't afford to buy him what he'd set his heart on, for his birthday. That dick could afford it from the spare change in his pocket.

Won't be up to your ex OP, what he pays you - that will be decided for him. You must take it to court to clarify it all. I was unlucky - my scrounging ex knew a loophole where if he got a certain benefit he didn't even have to pay me the fiver a week doleites have to pay. But the Family Courts at least refused to let him have direct contact with the kids. Even if he'd showered the kids in money, they wouldn't have cared, though.

trashcanjunkie · 05/09/2014 01:38

Mine go after school on a Wed and I pick them up after school on Thurs. At the weekend they go at 3pm on Saturday and I collect them from school on Monday. They are nine. When they were babies (we split when pregnant) it was a really bumpy ride for a bit, but he first had them overnight at eight months. He'd have them once a week overnight after that until they were in reception, and then he got them a little more and a little more until he'd basically proved himself. We did sadly have a patch of three months where I stopped him from seeing them as he kept being a dick when we were doing the handover. He saw solicitors and eventually we attended mediation. He was outraged that he wasn't allowed to list my terrible faults as a person and just had to focus on the dcs, but he got it eventually. I was always really clear that they needed routine over random contact.

JamaicanMeCrazy · 05/09/2014 02:21

My exh sees the dcs when he can be arsed which is around once a month. Dd2 (22m) has no idea who he is tbh as she has only seen him a total of 8 times in the past 16m and is too young to remember him. She thinks dp is her dad, probably cos he's the one that gives a shit. Exh also doesn't (and has never) pay a penny towards the dcs, even though he absolutely can afford it. He's a gold medallist at making empty promises though

At her age, I wouldn't be encouraging so much contact unless they had a decent relationship already. I don't mention dd2 to exh tbh as he was an abusive shit and doesn't deserve her (or my other dcs but they remember him and actually want to see him at the moment, though I suspect that once they get a bit older they will realise what a twat he is and will stop contact themselves)

I don't stop him from seeing her though, if he remembers she exists asks about her, I just don't actively seek it for any of them. I let him come to me if he wants to see them as, well, it's not my responsibility to make him see them!

He isn't very reliable and has cancelled last minute several million times now so I do think even tell the kids he's coming until he texts to say he's on the way. Saves having to watch my poor babies get disappointed over and over

Hurr1cane · 05/09/2014 06:58

Ex has DS for 24 hours a week. No court just what suited us. His parents have DS once a week for tea time and they all have the occasional extra day or holidays whenever they ask for them

wheresthelight · 05/09/2014 08:05

maintenance is calculated on salary and the number of overnight stays so the fact that he would be bringing your ds home at night wouldn't prevent him paying. get a case logged ASAP with the csa whilst it is still free to do so.

as for access, dp has his eldest 2 every Wednesday after school and we drop them back to school Thursday morning and then every other weekend and 50% of the school holidays. unfortunately his ex is a cow and cancels weeknight contact at a whim with no real justification and this sinner we have had them for 4 weeks and they were on camp for a week so she has had them for 6 days in total but I have no doubt she will whinge we didn't have them enough

jacks365 · 05/09/2014 08:14

Never. He did see them about once every couple of months for the day but csa hit him with an attachment of earnings so he quit his job and moved abroad and we have never seen him since.

WooWooOwl · 05/09/2014 08:15

My youngest was that age when I split up with ex. The eldest was two years older.

When we first split up ex would come over to my house two nights during the week and would do the bed and bath routine with them. I went out for a couple of hours. He'd also take them to his mums every other weekend, and sometimes he'd have them for a few hours on the Saturday that it wasn't officially his weekend.

I thought it was important to maintain regular contact, and now that both children are much older, it's paid off. They are equally close to both of us and we have been able to develop a really good parenting relationship.

inchoccyheaven · 05/09/2014 08:23

Mine are much older and we have only been separated 6 months but ex changed his work pattern to 4 on 4 off so he could see dc more, although to start with I think paying no maintenance was the inspiration. Unfortunately for him as primary carer I still get maintenance which as he doesn't buy them anything eg clothes etc I think is fair.

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