To think having a 2nd baby shouldn't be solely on his terms.

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a DS who is 5m/o. Due to health issues I have we had to have pre-conception counselling, changes to my medications, Consultant care and ELCS.

We had been warned that getting pregnant may cause my health conditions to lose their stability, which did happen, and I was signed off sick from about 10 weeks gestation for the remainder of the pregnancy. Although I was off sick and I did need closer monitoring I was fine, I was still able to function as normal and I certainly didn't have a difficult pregnancy.

We had decided half way through the pregnancy that if I came out the other side of pregnancy with no detriment to my health and the baby was born fit and healthy then we'd count our blessings and only have the one child rather than take any risks again.

However, this was only voiced by my DH after the gender scan when we were told it was a DS. DH had previously said that if I had been pregnant with a girl he would have been overjoyed but would have liked to try again in the future for a boy. This was obviously a non-issue after the scan.

During the pregnancy and after the birth I was still happy with the decision to just have one child but over the last month I've been feeling a little bit low at the thought of never TTC again or POAS again or the thought of never being pregnant again - I feel sad about the thought of never having another baby or giving DS a sibling.

I raised the topic with DH last week and he said we had agreed to only have one and he said, "I just couldn't put you through it again." This annoyed me because like I said although my health was affected a little bit there were no long term problems, I was absolutely fine and had no problems with the pregnancy itself.

I said, "Put me through what exactly?? And I find your excuse pretty ridiculous seeing as you would have been happy to 'put me through it again' if you hadn't had got the son you wanted!"

He didn't really have an answer.

I told him it's fine for him, he got what he wanted, but what about what I want??

I know we initially agreed on just the one child but I can't help it that I now feel differently. I'm not saying I definitely definitely want us to have one (what will be will be) but nor do I want it to be a definite never.

I would never force him into having another baby in the future, I would want him to want one as much as me, but I just feel like he's being unfair. I know he would definitely have wanted to TTC again if we'd had a DD so it just doesn't sit right with me that he's telling me 'no more' just because he got the result he wanted.

Or AIBU?

Gender disappointment is common in men and women. You both agreed on one child and youre the one moving the goal posts. Whats the rush anyway? Your son is 5 months old. Why not focus on him instead of an unconceived second baby?

I don't think your DH is being unfair.

Your baby is only five months old, and up until you changed our mind you've had an agreement that you would only have one child.

Remember, you are the one that's changed the goalposts, which is fine when it comes to something like this because you can never really know how you're going to feel in the future, but I think it's a bit unfair to be calling him unfair.

Lots of people cant even begin to think about the next baby or not when their first is still only five months old.

Remember as well that just because your last pregnancy was problem free, that's not a guarantee that the next one will be, and if it isn't it will be even harder to deal with when you already have a small child to care for. Your husbands concern over that is valid.

I think I'm feeling pensive about it all at this point in time because I always thought that if I were to have more than one child I would want them very close in age.

Me and DH aren't exactly old but nor are we particularly young. If a 2nd child was to be on the cards I would ideally like it to happen in the next 18-24 months.

When me and DH were having the discussion I said we don't have to talk in depth about it now and we could wait 5 years (we were discussing financial implications) and he said he wouldn't want to 'start all over again' at the age he would be in 5 years time.

I just feel so conflicted about it all. I was very lucky this time round that my health wasn't really affected so maybe I'm stupidly assuming I'd be just as lucky next time.

I could probably write a whole list of reasons why having a 2nd baby probably isn't a good idea but at the same time something in me doesn't want to think it's all over.

Give yourself 12 months or so just enjoy ds....you may both feel differently later down the line.

Sorry, I meant to type that if a 2nd child were on the cards I want to start trying in the next 12-18 months. If not sooner.

You began saying you didn't want it to never be a possibility that you could have another child, which is quite different to saying I think I want another child and we would have to start trying in the next 12-18 months if not sooner.

I understand how you feel to a certain extent, my children are teenagers now even then I still don't want to say that there is no chance whatsoever that I'll ever have another baby. I know realistically it's not going to happen, but closing it off forever would make me sad.

I think a lot of people feel this way, even when they know their family is complete, and it's just a feeling that we have to live with.

Very very unreasonable of him. And the 'decision' before wasn't a binding agreement. Things change. Desires change. At the end of the day, he seemed to think another pregnancy was conceivable (!) during the last pregnancy in order to have a boy so you're entitled to feel the same way (in the other direction). Forget about the agreement. I would find it very patronizing to be told whether or not I could be put through it again. No one has the right to do that.

England's women won the rugby world cup this year. England's men haven't managed it for over a decade. How do you cope with this level of ignorant sexism in daily life?

(My dad once made blithe assumptions about gender/level of interest in sport - my poor brother still doesn't really know what the premier league is.)

Your baby is only five months old...give it time! He may change his mind in a year time, it way too early to be worrying about this.

I don't think this man brings you a lot of happiness based on earlier posts OP. You could always have another baby with someone else...

Are you sure the comment about the trying for a DS thing carries as much weight as you're giving it? It sounds to me like the kind of thing you'd say in those circumstances to comfort yourself that you have all you want and to lay any wish for another DC to rest. More like 'oh i'm so happy it's a boy and I don't feel any wish for more children now'. But with all the subtext that carries rather than taking it at face value i.e. I'd definitely have wanted another DC if it had been a girl. People rarely say exactly what they mean. You know him best, but it sounds more complex than a man using your health issues as a cover to get what he wants. And the way you put it makes it sound like it got antagonistic quickly, with you reacting badly to him bringing up the health issues, and you both going into opposition. Hopefully you can talk about both your concerns and hopes and see if there's more grey area and a chance for one of you to come around, or at least to understand each other's point of view more clearly.

We spoke about it a bit more this evening and he spoke about the practical/financial resins as to why we should stop at one I.e he wants to be able to take him on nice holidays, afford to go on nice days out, afford to let him go on school trips abroad, afford to help with learning to drive etc. He said he doesn't want DS to ever have to go without which he would have to if we had a second. So I can sort of see it from that point. I didn't ask him if he would still feel as strongly about those issues if we'd had a DD.

He has a bad relationship with his sibling too so I don't think he sees any benefit of another child in relation to the positives it could bring to DS's life.

You should have put the 'if you'd had a dd' scenario in there Writer....

As he was so vocal about his views pre ds.