to be annoyed with mum interfering

[DragonFlyx]

I wrote about this on another thread but I'm really losing my cool about it, maybe it's my hormones but I've had to put up for so long with my mum interfering with everything. I'll list you off a few recent things...

It's my daughters birthday next week and if pretty much bought everything, she's rang to say she's bought all the party food and when do I want it, I explained I already had it and she's now insisting I need to take it off her hands. As gifts she's also bought things I asked her not too, because of room or the fact the things are just too old for her that she won't bother for a while. Argh! last year she didn't want too many children at dd's party And said it should be a family thing for a few years, even trying to have the parties at her own house. She decided to take an instant disliking to a friend of mine and basically told her 'i don't like you, or your daughter' which this friend hasn't spoken to me properly since.

Insisting on feeding my daughter with McDonalds when she takes her out or comes to visit twice a week, if its not McDonalds its sweets, cakes or greggs! Apparently I'm just controlling with dds diet and let her be a kid, she will even buy her these things and tell me a week later.

Ringing and texting every hour to make sure I'm ok whenever we go out for long periods of time or for the day or a day out.

I'm only 13 weeks pregnant and she's bought everything for my hospital bag although I asked her not too as I don't like this done till the end, I don't want to jinx anything and my oh wanted to do me a nice hospital bag for me and baby, he told her this before and feels like one thing he found meaningful and nice was spitefully taken from him. She also bought loads of clothes when I said wait till 12 weeks, she's decided to tell me Shes bought loads And kept it a secret which is upsetting.

She won't let dd's other grandparents have her especially over night, she will kick off at even the mention and asking why she needs more than one set of grandparents and only those on the mother's side really matter!

I might seem ungrateful, but I'm not, I'm 25 and have had my own house with oh since I was 20, iv worked hard despite her thinking you shouldn't work when you have kids and no matter how many times I tell her to stop, she won't, or sometimes she will make me feel really guilty about it, I know she probably thinks she's doing it out of the goodness of her heart but it's driving me insane :(

Oh fairgame don't get me started on Christmas. We had planned to stay at home with the three is us and make it a magical night for dd. When she found out she kicked up a fuss saying we can't and have to go there because it's 'tradition'...it's not. Then saying how none of my siblings go over Christmas eve and if we don't go she'll be on her own and it isn't fair and incredibly selfish of us to stay at home! Needless to say oh is making us stick to our own plans because he never had this big family gathering milark and thinks Christmas eve is magical for kids and a special evening to spend with them. I have to agree!

I feel for you my mums a nightmare at times as well she always has a comment about everything and likes to bring up how much I struggled and needed her when DS was born all the time even though I had pretty bad PND that went untreated.

She has my niece living with her so I help out and has told me I can't have another baby because 3 will be to much for me the 3 being my neice my son and a baby, when I pointed out I have 1 child she accused me of wanting a new baby to replace my niece because she is now 7 and getting too big which is a pile of piss but it gives you an idea of how she is telling me what to do and making me feel guilty if I don't do things her way.

She's also really jealous of DP's parents if I mention anything nice about MIL she will start giving it you don't love me bla bla bla and she hates DS going with them even though she doesn't like to babysit him herself only wants to see him when I am there to do the hard bits and she can play.

I tend harden my heart and tell her to do one I have found trying to be nice about it doesn't work I just have to say 'it's none of your business butt out' or 'if you can't do what I ask you won't see DS' it's quite cruel and I feel bad but the softly soflty approach doesn't work at all. I would say no to the hospital bag and if she is angry let her be.

What do your siblings think of her behaviour, OP? Is she like this with them too or are they more assertive? Are there any other GC yet?

Dragon make sure you get the Christmas you want. Use that to practice standing up to her and keeping her at a distance. Don't let her in on the details of your plans, if she kicks off say "We are doing X, that is our choice" and repeat. Don't let her in if she turns up uninvited. Have YOUR christmas.

If someone's behaviour means they ruin things for you, and don't care when you try to explain, what does that tell you? She doesn't care about you or your feelings, however much she protests – only about herself. You are 25, you can set the boundaries for your adult life as a parent right now and don't let her be manipulating you and making you feel guilty for decades. I'm 45 and still having mother issues which I wish I had dealt with much sooner.

Refuse to accept things from her, except for gifts at special occasions. If she takes it on herself to buy food for your DD's party, which obviously you will have already sorted, or stuff for your hospital bag, politely but firmly tell her she should have checked with you, you don't need it and she will have to take it back. She will kick off at first but eventually she should get the message. What's the worst that could happen? She gets the huff and stops buying you stuff! She will try to manipulate you but don't worry about her feelings because she is not worrying about yours!

Just to second what others have said: this is not nice, loving behaviour - it's an attempt to belittle and control you and your daughter. (The junk food thing is completely unacceptable. Your child, your diet).

You have to decide what to do. Either you become properly independent and you don't rely on her help or support so much, and keep her at a distance. Or you put up with this corrosive behaviour and accept help 'her way', which will drive you mad.

DON'T FEEL BAD about choosing the former - it means screening her calls, setting times when she can or can't come around and generally establishing some distance. Of course she'll try to guilt you out about it, but you have to stand firm and be clear: 'Mum, I love you, but I have to do this my way. You need to accept that.'

Sorry to be harsh, but apart from the fact she's your mother, what's to love?

You need to set stronger boundaries, because otherwise you'll continue to (unhappily) enable her behaviour.

Whether it's being done because she's anxious, well intentioned but clueless, had her own controlling mother, or is being evilly manipulative in order to control you - that all fades into the background because the core fact here is that you don't want this level of interference in your life. We all have our own definition of where that boundary lays, but I think most (all?) of the posters here are in agreement that - from the behaviour you've outlined - she's pushing it, in everyone's books!

It's a bit sad but if she respected your boundaries more you'd probably enjoy her company 100x more and be more willing to let her take a genuinely-appreciated, active involvement in your DD's life.

The other ladies on here have already outlined a few techniques for nudging her into respecting boundaries, but do be prepared for an initial kick back.

She's perhaps warped her behaviour into something normal in her head (ringing constantly, overbuying of unwanted gifts, having that I-know-better attitude) so it'll take a while to adjust. Be strong!

Do NOT get involved in overly protracted conversations justifying your boundaries ("Why didn't I pick up on the three calls this morning? I was occupied with DD. Oh, look, something shiny.", "This is what I want, mum. I'm asking you to respect that. Oh, look something else shiny.")

And get your partner on board with the new status quo. You'll need his support/get him on-side so that you send one strong consistent message to your mum.

it's quite cruel and I feel bad but the softly soflty approach doesn't work at all

She's relying on your good nature to maintain the status quo. Without that, her techniques crumble.

It is not loving behaviour to fail to recognise that your children are now adults with their own lives to lead. You may have to hurt her a little to teach her that you are no longer under her control.
Use the advice of the other MNs and see her tantrums for what they are - toddler behaviour in a grown woman, a mother herself.
Be strong and claim back lost boundaries.

I find the words ' fuck off' work very well with my mum and MIL

I don't understand OP, what do you mean when you say She won't let dd's other grandparents have her

How can she stop you? Have you got into the habit of doing everything she wants? She sounds like a toxic tyrant and master manipulator.

She sounds just like my mother actually, but we are NC

You need boundaries OP. Tell her the bare minimum of what she needs to know and if she crosses the line telling you what to do, you have to stand up for yourself. So if she says, "I don't think DD should have so many people to her party" you just say "It's not your decision to make." Repeat repeat repeat.

If you are really lucky she will throw a huge hissy fit and stop talking to you

It sounds as though you have never really left home, even though physically you live with your partner and child.
Are you the youngest/last child, and has she fallen out with all the others?
You have to put distance between yourself because she is interfering with your relationships: other grandparents and friends, and soon will attempt to take control of your children's lives.
It won't get better, it will get worse, so you may as well face up to it now. Start by refusing all the things she has bought, kindly but very firmly, and stick to your plans for Christmas.
Will you get any support from your siblings, or have they all gone and left you to face it on your own?

Agree with others, there is no way to be nice about this, people like this count on other people being nice and wanting to keep the peace to get what they want. Being nice and going along with the plan only makes her feel like she has a right to continue.

The only way to effectively deal with this is to put your foot down. If you have trouble being heard do it by email or text, she can't speak over you that way.

One usually effective way is to threaten to withhold grandchildren.

"If you are going to fight me on my daughter's diet and criticise it in her presence then we will have to limit the time we spend with you"

"if I ever find out you are rude to one of my friends at DD's party again you will not be invited to the next one"

"We are having Christmas at our house." "rant rant" "goodbye" later email "as we discussed we are having Christmas at ours. If you would like we are free on Christmas eve or Boxing Day if you would like us to come round to yours"

"If you want to throw your own party for her we are free on .... or .... but no, I'm not taking the food." "I'm bringing it round" "Fine, do so, the bin is by the back gate, you can put it in there"

"I understand that you don't want her to visit her other grandparents. It is not your decision to make."

etc.

We found with our relative that was controlling that absolute refusal to do what they wanted and making sure they couldn't (by going out of town one time!) made for a very very fiery time but ultimately fixed the problem. Expect some serious backlash on this but hold firm. Oh also expect that she will get others involved that will tell you that you are making her miserable etc. Tell them firmly to stay out of it.

Does she work or is she at home all the time thinking about you & how to organise your life? Are you an only child? Does she live alone? What was her relationship like with her own mother? (Sorry for all the questions!)

It sounds like she thinks her way is the best way and the only way to do things. My dear departed DM was a bit like this, and would always say "I just want you to be happy" and "I only want what's best for you", and genuinely not realising that what she thought was best for me, wasn't necessarily what I thought! She lived her life through me, and always tried to make sure I had everything that she didn't have when she was a child, even when what I yearned for was something else entirely (which she wouldn't let me have) because she couldn't understand why I wanted something different from her.

If your DM's whole life revolves around you, then perhaps what she really needs is for there to be something else occupying her mind and all her time. Womens Institute, Save the Children, local food bank, church flower arranging, volunteering with some sort of charity that supports young families in need? Anything really, as long as it doesn't involve working in the local charity shop and her bringing you heaps of stuff from there that you don't want!

YANBU - she is being way too controlling and you need to put a stop to it before it's gets worse.

It needs a big sit down chat with you laying down the ground rules. Tell her you love her and appreciate she is trying to help but it's time now for you to make the decisions on how your daughter is brought up (what she eats etc) and how things run in YOUR house .

Also when you say 'she won't let dd's other grandparents have her overnight' - why on earth are you letting her make the decisions?? This is not interfering, it's controlling! She is clearly bored/lonely and is trying to be a mum again.

You are going to have to be cruel to be kind. It will come across as harsh but that's because you have let her get comfortable with being in control and allowed her to take more and more control and there is a lot now to undo