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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Older kids taunting DS at the playground. WIBU to intervene?

30 replies

crankypants · 02/09/2014 13:43

I'd like to know if you think IWBU and what you'd have done instead??

My DS (4) was following around some older kids (about 9 -11 year olds, mix boys & girls) in the playground, trying to get in on their games. DS can be a precocious little fellow and I imagine he was being a pain to the older kids and would have ignored any gentle attempts (if made) to get rid of him.

Anyway, I intervened when these kids were all circling him telling him to go. They said, "let's say it together" and all shouted at him, "go away [DS name]". So I just walked over to them, picked DS and carried him away.

I told DS that the older kids were not being nice to him and maybe we could find something else to do. He said he didn't mind that they weren't being nice and that it didn't hurt his feelings.

He is my PFB so maybe I over-reacted? Should I have just left him there to sort out his own battles (am conscious that he'll be doing this on the school playground when he starts reception next week)? I just didn't want him to think that it's ok to be treated like that. What do you think?

OP posts:
RachelWatts · 02/09/2014 13:44

I'd have done the same.

ArabellaTarantella · 02/09/2014 13:45

You should have left him to sort out in his head the rules of the playground. He was obviously being a pain so they told him so in no uncertain terms.

WipsGlitter · 02/09/2014 13:47

I'd have done the same and spoken to the Head.

One boy in DSs school looks like he is bursting to make fun of DS2 who has SN. I've fixed him with a look a few times and he knows not to mess with me. I've done this with other kids as well, when I hear them being mean to DS1.

polkadotsrock · 02/09/2014 13:49

They weren't really taunting him, though you weren't unreasonable to remove him. They don't want to play with him, that's normal and he will have to learn to pick up and adhere to those kinds of cues from older children before they deem it necessary to shout. Just point him in the direction of more appropriate age groups/activities and he'll most likely forget this incident altogether.

Fudgeface123 · 02/09/2014 13:50

I don't see where they were taunting him either. Just let him get on with it, you said he wasn't bothered

ILovePud · 02/09/2014 13:50

Poor little lad, I'd have hoped kids at the upper end of the school would be more tolerant of a four year old who's only just started. I think your reaction was sensible and measured. I'd have a word with the teacher and do what you can to foster relationships with the other kids in reception.

polkadotsrock · 02/09/2014 13:52

Did this actually happen at school?

Numanoid · 02/09/2014 13:56

I would have done the same. It's good that he wasn't phased by it though. :)

Original poster
crankypants · 02/09/2014 13:56

Thanks for all the quick replies!

Sorry, I was unclear - this wasn't at school, just the local park. He'll start at school next week and I was thinking that I shouldn't have intervened given he'll be on his own at school. Though I guess a teacher may intervene.

Sure, "taunting" not quite the right word and yes, he would have been annoying.

But yes, ultimately no harm done. He seemed to forget about it as soon as we moved away. My usual MO is to let the kids just get on with it but this seemed a bit too much.

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snice · 02/09/2014 13:57

They weren't taunting him- they just didn't want to have to include a 4yr old in their games. I think you should have removed him before he started being a p as in and played with him yourself

Sootgremlin · 02/09/2014 13:57

I'd have done the same, maybe just said they don't want to play as they're a bit older and into different games and distracted him. He's four. Maybe I'm just incredibly soft, but why does he need that in his day? He's got plenty of time to learn about the rules of the playground at school gradually and within his own peer group.

I understand them not wanting to play and fine for kids to say so, but they circled him and shouted at him to go away. Dreading my ds starting school if adults think that is ok. I wouldn't be happy with my 9 year old doing that to a younger child, all ganging together and shouting sounds bullying to me.

snice · 02/09/2014 13:57

A pain that should have said!

WipsGlitter · 02/09/2014 13:58

Oh, at the park. Well, I'd not bother telling the teacher then!

minniemagoo · 02/09/2014 14:01

Depending how quick you withdrew him he may just have learned the lesson 'I can be very annoying to other kids and when they are mean Mammy will rescue me'.
Tbh its very annoying for an older child to be followed around by littler ones, IMO you should have intervened earlier.
You may find yourself writing a post in future along the lines of my DS and his friends were playing and a much younger child kept following them around who wouldn't leave them alone and said childs mother did nothing.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 02/09/2014 14:01

I think you should have intervened earlier when he was following them around and being a pest. I'm sure he's lovely and just wants to play but the older children were probably fed up of him and so had to be blunt, if you'd removed him before that point he they wouldn't have shouted at him

Original poster
crankypants · 02/09/2014 14:02

Yes Wips!! Smile(re no point getting the teacher). Hope your DS2 gets on ok at school.

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Original poster
crankypants · 02/09/2014 14:06

You may well be right about intervening earlier - I was sitting down, feeding the baby and not keeping a particularly close eye on him. I find it hard to balance though, when best to step in and when best to leave him to sort it out. I guess had I left it, he presumably would have eventually got the message?? Unsure, he can be persistent.

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wolfe1 · 02/09/2014 14:08

I have a 4yo DS and if i thought he was irritating a bunch of older kids I would have gone up to them and told DS myself that he was annoying them and he should leave them alone, so in that sense i think YWBU not intervening earlier.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/09/2014 14:12

I think you did the right thing. It sounds like the children were ganging up on him which is mean given they are so much older.

wolfe1 · 02/09/2014 14:14

Sorry, x-post. I have a 4yo and a 1yo and it can be difficult to constantly watch my 4yo in the park. I tend to intervene when i see him following a group that are clearly trying to move away from him. Sometimes the older kids on our local park will include him and so if i see them either talking or playing i leave it but if i see them trying to disengage I move him.

I have 3 teenager as well and my 4yo can be really persistent with them too. I'm have been working on the notion that 'not everyone always wants to play with you' with him for about 6 months as he doesn't seem to get it.

He would have probably got the message if you had left it tbh, but i personally would have intervened.

DuelingFanjo · 02/09/2014 14:15

some boys (About 9 years old) were giving my son grief in a local play park recently, glaring at him, all circling him, one of them doing karate hand moves. I hung back and waited to see what would happen but wouldn't have hesitated to get involved if it had escalated to verbal or physical abuse. As it was DS (who is 3.5) walked away and I loudly said 'nicely handled mini-fanjo'.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2014 14:19

I'd have said something more to them probably.
Yes he was being a pain, and they didn't have to let him play. But all of them telling him to go away together? Not kind and not necessary.

Original poster
crankypants · 02/09/2014 14:24

I like that story, DuellingFanjo. I don't think my DS has the social maturity just yet to know when it's best to walk away. Well, I think that's what I learnt this morning.

And yes, Nanny0gg, I think it was too much. I don't want DS thinking it's ok to behave like that and do it to other younger kids one day.

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longtallsally2 · 02/09/2014 14:37

It sounds as if they were a bit mean, but you are not sure if they had tried gentler methods of getting him to go away. . . . I think you intervened at the right time, and he was not upset. You can use this as a chance to talk to him about etiquette of approaching older children.

DS1 adored older children, and loved playing with them when he had the chance. I used to take him to the playground and we decided that the "rule" should be that he should either ask directly if he could join in - and be prepared to be told no (or yes!) or to stand and enjoy watching but not follow. If they invited him to play, as long as I could see him that was OK. It meant occasionally standing watching mournfully whilst other kids played, but it was his choice - he could have gone and played at the playground, on his own, or with kids his own age.

Incidentally, later in life, a mum had a go at ds1 as a younger boy had invited himself into a game ds1 was playing with his friends. They had tried to accommodate the littler one, but got fed up when he kept moaning, trying to change the game to suit himself . . . poor ds1 was most put out when he was blamed for being a bit short with this child. "He didn't even wait to be invited to play, Mum!" Big kids get it wrong sometime, but it's good that you didn't confront them, without knowing all of the details.

Original poster
crankypants · 02/09/2014 18:56

Thanks Wolfe and LongtallSally, good advice. We'll have a chat along the lines of "not everyone wants to play with you". I have heard DS do a but if introductory patter - hi. I'm crankypants junior. I'm 4. I'm a paramedic/firefighter/whatever it is that week. Can I play with you? - it's just the rejection we need to work on now.

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