To not invite them to our wedding?

[Bambamboom]

Me and dp have booked our wedding for November next year. Sat down and talked about guest list and who we wanted as groomsmen (his choice entirely) and bridesmaids (my choice) a while ago.
I've asked two old family friends who I cherish and although we don't see each other often they mean a lot and always will, my sisters and 2 other friends. Since asking 1 of these friends I just haven't seen her, I try to contact her and she rarely replies and when she does never replies when I ask to arrange a date to meet up. She was my best friend at school, we were very close but she spent the summer 10 minutes down the road and hasn't seen me once despite my efforts. She's actually my child's godmother, but she has really been pretty useless since dd got here, as you can tell I'm hurt.
I no longer wish to invite my "friends" who seem to have time for everyone but me and my family, whatever there reasons for it I don't want to pay £65 for them to come to what will only be a free party to them when they can't be bothered in day to day life.
However I don't feel comfortable demanding this of dps massive grooms list, none of them bother with us, they are only interested in going out and getting bladdered and even when I tell dp to organise a lads night they don't bother.
I'm paying personally for every penny of this wedding and I don't particularly want people who a)barely know me, b) don't bother with my dp and c)couldn't give a shit about us as a family despite 2 of them being godfathers to our daughter!
(before the question is raised, we asked them to be godparents because before growing up and having a family we used to see them a lot, they were once very reliable friends that since having a daughter have really let us down, yes I deeply regret asking any of them, what can I do now?
Basically, would I be unreasonable to suggest we only invite close friends we see outside of work, who at least keep regular contact and ask how we are and show a little interest us?
It would actually mean not inviting my own maid of honour but I genuinely feel if I didn't message her between now and the wedding next year, she wouldn't even notice.
Feeling really let down, I think I have 1 person that isn't family that I call a true friend, sad realisation huh?
Sorry for the rant!

Just tell him you don't want to spend x amount of your inheritance on the wedding and would rather save that money/spend it on something else and you are scaling your BMS down to 2 so he needs to choose 2 groomsmen. As he isn't paying, he can't really argue and who needs 8 groomsmen?! DH had a best man, isn't that all they need?

I have 3 sisters who insist on being bridesmaids so he could have 3. But yes, 8 is silly. He's basically asked the group of friends he was close to before he had dd. they are pretty close to each other and are old friends Etc but still 8 is over the top.

But OP, that isn't paying you back, is it? He would have had to pay rent or mortgage and other bills throughout that time.

But so would have I, I would've had to pay that money out if he didn't, or at least half of it of we were to spilt the bills. but he's paying it all.
Depends how you look at it I guess, if I help him out this once he can pay for our living expenses for the rest (hopefully the rest of our lives unless I LTB ) if not I'm gonna have to fork out the money for the mortgage and cancel the wedding until he's payed off the debt and saves up to pay for half of it. Our daughter would probably be 18 by then

Bam, I'm not clear - have you invited people yet or not? If you have, how will you uninvited them? Do you have a plan of what you want to do?

I think that if the wedding is 14 months away and you feel like this now, then either just never send them an invite - and if they're not in contact with you they may not even notice - or just drop them a line saying that your wedding plans have changed and you may be getting married abroad... and then just don't get in touch with them again.

Whilst I agree you shouldn't invite these people if you are not seeing them or feel they are not putting the effort in I do think your expectations of them are a bit too much.

In one of your responses you say you expect your friends to come to soft play so they can catch up with you.

I am the last in my group of friends to have a baby, both sides have made the effort to keep up the friendships but I have never ever been asked to go and sit at soft play to do so. I have been with my niece and nephew but never with a friend. I do spend time with my friends and their children but I also spend just as much time with them with out the children. Effort works both ways and you can't expect people to always want to spend time with your children - godchild or not.

I think you have the right idea.

Has anybody actually booked anything yet or spent money to attend your wedding?

If not, then contact everyone and say that you are sorry but finances are forcing you to scale down the wedding and although you would love to have everybody spend the day with you, it's just not possible.

Then change your wedding plans to involve only the people you do want to spend the day with. A smaller wedding will take the pressure of you in more ways than this issue with friends not seeming that bothered.

If they really care, you can suggest a meal out together at some point after the wedding so you can still celebrate with them. See if they take you up on it and make any future decisions about the friendships from there.

However, if people have already booked hotel rooms or travel tickets and paid deposits etc, and will lose money by being uninvited, you should still honour the invitation so they don't lose out.

Can you make the wedding tiny? Just invite essentials who live you and are apart of your life

Why not set a time scale? Give your flaky friends 4 months, if you haven't heard from them by a year before the wedding, they're bumped. I do agree you need to be flexible about meeting though. I have a friend without children (who will remain that way through choice), we meet up in the evenings when DD is in bed. However we both get in touch to arrange these things. You can get a rough idea of numbers but the reality is some people won't be able to make it anyway. Try not to get too stressed. If your DP is insistent on all the groom's men (sp?!), why not suggest they either pay for their suit hire or wear their own?

Erm - I know this isn't what you're asking but your financial arrangements are slightly troubling. Whose name is on the deeds to the house ? Whose name is the mortgage in ?

I don't understand why you are paying off his debt while he pays the mortgage - why can't you pay the mortgage with your inheritance to demonstrate your ownership of the house , and let him pay off his own debt ? Otherwise you'll be screwed if the relationship breaks down .

Oh, and I would cut out all uninterested friends. Don't add to the expense with people who are not bothered.

Caterers don't need to know over a year in advance the exact number -just say its around x. And don't pay upfront!

It depends if you see your wedding as an excuse for a big party paid for by you and never see that money again or prudently a small one with no party. If your dp is dreadful with money I wouldn't have a party wedding. You're going to need that money one day. So keep it in your own personal savings account and earmark it for your dd driving lessons, car and uni costs. D'point let your dh fritter it away. Who knows, he could lose his job, you yours, anything could happen.

And I know you haven't asked but your finances should be separate and hopefully a charge on your house if you own it jointly that the first £20 profit comes to you before being split equally if you do split up one day. Actually your financial arrangements sound completely bonkers to me.

Your dp won't mind not inviting all his old drunken party mates surely? They sound awful anyway and certainly you won't enjoy watching them piss your money up the wall which could have paid something else like a better car or holiday.

Of for gods sake just wrote a lengthy response and deleted it all.
Wedding venue is booked, caterers deposit is paid, invites are not yet sent (thank god) we're booking Denmark today, getting married there and having an evening reception at the venue. No money lost and actually saving 5k because we don't have to feed & entertain everyone all day. Dp fine with it and doesn't even want is groomsmen as groomsmen anyway, but still inviting them to celebrate.
as for my financial situation when we took our mortgage out my dp suggested as I was paying off debt and the deposit that we have a 80-20 % ownership of the house, meaning of we spilt I walk away with 80% and him 20%, we did this through a solicitor and I'm happy with that.
I don't want to have this debt hanging over my family anymore, it's depressing so I'm paying it off. If I thought in any circumstance my dp would screw me and his dd over financially I wouldn't do it.
Venue is booked, deposit payed, caterer is booked deposit payed. We have decided to elope to Denmark, keep the venue but use it for an evening celebration when we return and we don't lose money on deposits and save 5k because we don't have to feed and entertain everyone for an entire day (just an evening), provide bridesmaids and groomsmen with dresses/suits, pay for transport and our honeymoon is included as we are traveling around Europe before we return.
Think this works better, I can just invite everyone for a drink and a little bit of a party and because they don't have to commit so much won't be so offended if I don't see them for a year.
As for the soft play comments I actually was trying to say i don't expect them to want to come to soft play, although I would for them. But they don't even reply or bother at all my moh has spent her summer practically on my doorstep and hasn't seen me once, hasn't even popped in for a cup of tea or replied when I tried to Arrange to meet up, just me and her for a few drinks. I'm not being unreasonable with my expectations, she only has time for getting drunk wth certain people and can't even be arsed to reply to my fb message but updates her status tagging herself 5 minutes walk down the road with someone she's just met.
I'm just asking for her to simply message me back.

^I can understand that they don't have children yet, why would they want to come to soft play? I wouldn't want to if I didn't have children but you know what I would if it meant I could see my friend I loved dearly. But they don't even reply, don't want to meet up, have no time for any of us and I'm not so sure I want to work my ass off to
Pay for them to be there on my special day.^
I say here, I understand they don't want to, they don't have kids, I wouldn't want to...but they don't even reply.
How is that saying the must come to
Soft play? I said I would do it if t meant I could see them, but they can't even be arsed to reply.
And actually one of my friends just spent the entire weekend ( she chose to I didn't ask this of her) with me, my dd and dp. We went to a farm, took dp down the park and watches kids films! And she loved it because she got to see me and my family because she cares.
We got a take away on the Friday after dd went to bed and watched films, chatted and shared a bottle of wine and on the Saturday I took my friend out for drinks whilst dp had dd.
I think it's acceptable to expect someone who's been friends with you for 10 years to be able to spend a little time with you with your baby In tow, so long as you make the effort to do something else with them too.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'd do too much for a friend who had a child and no friends myself and expect too much. Either way I feel really let down.

That sounds like a good plan BamBam. If you're both happy with your financial situation, that's all that matters. I think it's time to let your relationship with potential MOH fizzle out. She clearly doesn't prioritise you.

That sounds like a good solution. Not surprised you're upset about your friend. She's your daughter's godmother and won't even reply to a message suggesting drinks out?? Let alone have any interest in seeing her goddaughter - that's rubbish. Very hurtful.