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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry about my friend?

18 replies

stiltonandport · 31/08/2014 13:30

Friend is early 40s and childless. She has had several long term relationships in her 20s/30s and a few attempts at TTC but nothing successful.

She met someone about 5 years ago and they are getting married at the end of this year. He has said maybe in another year or so once they've sorted out their house (they moved a couple of years back and have been doing renovations etc) he feels they'll be ready to think about starting a family. By which time she will be 43, and he'll be 47.

They both very much want children, indeed it's their main reason for getting married as he didn't want a child outside of marriage. What worries me is that (knowing them both as well as I do) they have not given ANY thought to the possibility that the future they envisage won't happen. And given they are both in their 40s, whilst it could happen, there has to be a big chance it won't.

Neither have had their fertility tested - I suggested this to my friend several years ago, but she said she was sure everything would be fine. I just don't feel either of them are prepared for it not working out, and the fall out from it (given they have both always had a 'plan' which was marriage and children). I feel like I'm watching a car crash about to happen, and there's nothing I can do :(

OP posts:

Iconfuseus · 31/08/2014 13:33

Do you think that perhaps they don't really actually want children?

It seems preposterous to me that they genuinely believe that everything will just fall into place at such an advanced age.

Do they just say that they want kids because that is what is expected of them by society?

sillystring · 31/08/2014 13:34

What's the point in worrying about something you've no control over, especially as it's not even you, it's your friend. I get that you're a caring friend but all you can do is be supportive whether she has a family or not, either way she's going to have a shock to her lifestyle and will need support. A friend of mine didn't meet her partner till she was 43 and had a healthy (unplanned) baby boy at 45, he's 14 now and a lovely, strapping lad. Stranger things can happen.

Original poster

stiltonandport · 31/08/2014 13:37

I've known her since we were kids, and she's always said how much she wanted children, dotes on my DC and those of other friends. I know she's never considered not being a mum one day.

I don't know her DP as well, but I remember when they'd only been out a couple of times and she called me saying how well it was going, how his goal was marriage and kids in the next few years (same as hers) etc.

My worry is that this will end up splitting them up, because it will be such a shock if it doesn't happen.

OP posts:

RedToothBrush · 31/08/2014 13:37

YABU I'm afraid.

Its none of your business and things change...

ILovePud · 31/08/2014 13:37

There isn't anything you can do, just be a good friend to her and support her through what ever the future holds.

Original poster

stiltonandport · 31/08/2014 13:55

I'll be there for her of course.

Just wish there was something I could do...I have suggested testing, mentioned about fertility declining over 40 etc but to no avail.

OP posts:

MrsWinnibago · 31/08/2014 14:28

You probably need to focus on something else. Most people would give such an issue a passing thought from time to time but they certainly wouldn't post on MN about it. It's not your issue.

francesdrake · 31/08/2014 15:22

YABU. What's she going to do? Arrange for the doctor to turn the clock back 5 years?

I would assume neither of them are under any illusions about fertility in their 40s, and are probably just going to go for it as soon as they're married - without making some big announcement that will have everyone peering at them like a pair of pandas - on the assumption that what will be will be. All fertility tests can do is confirm what they probably already know, and if the results are disappointing, it'll just put even more pressure on them. TTC is stressful enough without well-meaning friends wringing their hands and feeling like they're 'watching a car crash about to happen'.

Leave them to it, and celebrate the relationship they actually have right now. Presumably they're getting married because they love each other and want to build a life together, not purely so they can have children? Him saying his goal is marriage and kids sounds like the kind of thing a nice man says to a woman in her 40s who wants that too - if having kids was his only aim in life, then surely he'd have chosen a much younger woman?

rainbowinmyroom · 31/08/2014 15:25

YABU. It may work out for her, it may not. But she and he will be married and enjoying their relationship. Leave them to it.

JanaOfTheJungle · 31/08/2014 15:58

A friend asked me a few years ago about her plans to take a long masters degree. I told her straight that as she was already early thirties it would be putting off having kids til after 35 and then establishing a new career would also take time that might affect her fertility. I felt like I gave her my opinion but that is all that I could do.

A year or so ago they started trying (now nearly 38) and I would never think of saying anything more, just being with her as they seek fertility advice etc. They are adults.

Original poster

stiltonandport · 31/08/2014 16:56

Last time I checked there was no rule over how serious or important something had to be before you could post on MN about it

Friend has no family, I am probably her closest friend, I will be the one dealing with the fallout if this doesn't all work out as planned, hence I can't help worrying.

It would be nice to think they are under no illusions but I would bet on them not once having thought 'what if'. She in particular doesn't think about things at much more than surface level - hence I know she hasn't considered any alternative other than the one she wants.

My worry isn't that they won't have DC, but more that they are getting married with that as a goal, and whether their relationship (which has all been built on marriage and DC) will survive.

Another (slightly younger) friend got married 3 years ago, her and her DH discussed having kids beforehand. Their attitude was 'if it happens, it happens'. They knew they wanted to be together regardless, DC would be great but life without them as equally valid. If other friend and her DP were thinking along those lines I wouldn't be concerned.

OP posts:

MrsWinnibago · 31/08/2014 21:03

The point is you can't DO anything about it. Short of being rude what can you do that you haven't already done? You have hinted and asked...she's not discussed it further with you.

Take the hint.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 31/08/2014 21:54

Is there a childless woman alive who gets to 40, single, and isn't aware that time is running out? Can she really be so oblivious? I doubt it. Even if she is, you've mentioned it and it's up to her to manage her life.

Icimoi · 31/08/2014 21:57

I think they're slightly mad to contemplate delaying TTC - you could maybe suggest that at least they don't do that. I'm sure they can still sort out the house if she's pregnant.

NewEraNewMindset · 31/08/2014 22:09

As a woman approaching 40 and having terrible trouble with TTC and multiple mcs I think she is ridiculous to not be cracking on with it.

Thing is unless she is coming to you asking for advice, it's going to go down badly if you start going on about infertility over 40 as she is trying to plan her wedding.

If she mentions it then I don't think you ABU to say she needs to get shaving now. But if she is inviting your opinion I would just let then get on with it. For all you know she may have ditched the contraceptives already.

NewEraNewMindset · 31/08/2014 22:10

Shaving - shagging lol

Lauren83 · 31/08/2014 23:09

Yabu

Its for them to work through together, my partner got with me knowing I have fertility issues and can't give him a child, regardless of what happens they could make each other happy

Jollyphonics · 31/08/2014 23:16

If you think your friend genuinely has no grasp of the reduction of fertility at her age, and truly believes it'll all fall into place easily, then I would say something. Having gone through lots of fertility treatment in my late 30s, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and would endeavour to educate anyone who looked like they were heading that way.

I had a friend in the same situation - both wanted kids, wanted to wait until they were married and in more settled jobs, and bought a new house. Of course by the time they started ttc it was too late. I didn't go on about it at the time, but I did tell her that I thought if kids were a priority for them they shouldn't leave it. Anyway, she's OK about it, and so is he, so I guess it wasn't such a big deal for them in the end.

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