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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not use my MIL for childcare?

30 replies

dottytablecloth · 31/08/2014 12:23

This issue has been building up since I had my dc1 19 months ago. What started off as anger on my part has turned to worry that there is something wrong with MIl.

I've been married for 15 years and obviously known MIl all that time but we had children late (thirties). Second child now due.

Before kids, my MIL and I got on well, we enjoyed meeting for coffee, having a glass of wine, shopping and I loved her coming to stay overnight, we had lots to chat about and I genuinely enjoyed her company.

Fast forward to now and I think her personality has changed. She is very repetitive, forgetful, quite lethargic and doesn't really seem bothered about talking to me the way she used to.

Anyway she lives an hour away so I probably wouldn't have noticed this to be honest as now I have kids and work full time I don't really see her that much.

BUT, she comes over to care for my dc around 2 days a month as my childminder can only take him 4 days a week so we are occasionally stuck for care.

I've been really cross about some of the things she's done with dc1 lots of minor things but it's all come to a head recently. I can't understand the change in her behaviour, deliberately undermining dh and I, she's not a bad person, she's a (was) a lovely person so I feeling there must be something wrong with her.

I don't want to list the specifics of things that I've noticed but some examples are; going on walks for hours and not coming back until well after dark, when dc should have had his tea and been in bed, giving him milk that was clearly too not, leaving dc dressed in his outside clothes to nap in winter (heavy quilted all in one suit) when he comes back in and forgetting that he was in a room when the heating was on- I came home and he was sweating profusely and was listless and spaced out for ages afterwards. Sad

I honestly could write a book of examples but basically I am concerned about her ability to care for my child properly and I don't have confidence when I go out to work leaving him.

She will be very angry if I told her she's not looking after dc while I'm at work anymore. I would just feel happier with her in the role of granny and not having sole charge of my child.

She in her seventies and has to leave very early in the morning to get to us.

She also taken this idea of taking dc out in her car which I'm very uncomfortable with.

AIBU and if I'm not what can I do that won't upset her.

I've also found that when I'm talking to her or trying to explain things she seems a bit 'vacant' and doesn't really process what I saying.

BTW her children have noticed something isn't quite right either but they have grown up children.

I don't want to upset the family.

OP posts:
Chottie · 31/08/2014 12:29

Please, please if you have these concerns, do not leave your DC alone with your MiL. Make other arrangements instead and I am a MiL

Your MiL does not sound well, could you speak to your DP? Would a family meeting be a good opportunity to discuss what could be done to help your MiL? She is clearly not well and needs some help. It is too much for her to look after your DC.

Original poster
dottytablecloth · 31/08/2014 12:34

The last thing I want to do is upset her. I think if I spoke to her she just wouldn't understand what I was talking about.

Recently I had her over for Sunday lunch, I had just put the dinner out and called everyone to the table. I waited a few moment and called again, everyone came except MIL who went out the door with ds. I said "MIL, where are you going?" She said she was going for a walk, I told her but the dinner is ready but she was adamant she was going for a walk and nothing would persuade her to come in. That's not normal behaviour, is it?

OP posts:
Iconfuseus · 31/08/2014 12:36

YANBU.

You don't have to be confrontational about it though, because you are only going to alienate her if you do.

You could just tell her that you've managed to make some other arrangement e.g. a nursery place for your DS. You don't have to phrase it in a 'we don't trust you any more way' you can just phrase it in a 'we've got this great new opportunity for DS' kind of way.

I agree with the poster who says that a family meeting is in order, if she has other DC. If she only has your husband, you need to decide what you are going to do between you.

If you do have to confront her about her odd behaviour/memory problems and she is resistant, you could consider writing to her GP expressing your concerns. Hopefully they'll call her in and have a look at her.

I wish you all the best.

LIZS · 31/08/2014 12:40

What does your dh say? Could he persuade he to see gp if her behaviour is worrying the family ? It may be as simple as an imbalance or thyroid problem. She sounds well intentioned but her health may no longer be up to it, and certainly not with 2. She may even feel relieved if you said not to worry about having to come regularly.

Sootgremlin · 31/08/2014 12:46

Could it be the driving is a bit much for her and she is just overtired? My dad is in his seventies and very capable and with it, but he does sleep for an hour or so every time he visits and he is only a passenger in the car. Toddlers are hard physical work sometimes.

Agree though I would not leave her in sole charge with the issues you've mentioned! you need to have a chat with her first off! don't discuss her not having the children at first, but maybe highlight your concern, you want her to just be granny and have her for visits instead of childcare, is she feeling ok?

Could she be depressed? My relationship with my mil changed when I had dc, she adores the children but did find it hard I think as, even if their children have been grown for many years, grandchildren do signal the end of the active 'mothering' years, there may be sadness and stubbornness mixed up with that. I have to say as well that my dm is very good with children but I still don't use her for childcare for long periods as I know her attitudes to some things are different and would cause too much conflict.

Sootgremlin · 31/08/2014 12:47

Don't know why there are excess exclamations in my post, ignore them.

Scaredycat3000 · 31/08/2014 12:47

After a family emergency recently which results in the IL's staying to 'help' I will never leave my children with them again or allow them to be driven round by them again. My children's basic safety comes above her feelings, end of. But your situation sounds different, MIL has always has always been like this and as an adult they I could keep myself safe, my children can't. YANBU to not use your MIL for childcare, but added to that it might be a good idea to keep an eye on her health?

Mitzi50 · 31/08/2014 12:48

Just to echo LIZS - definitely get your husband to persuade her to visit a GP ideally accompanied by a family member so they can describe the symptoms which she may wish to minimise. It may not be something as serious as, for example, dementia - we were convinced that my father was showing signs of dementia - after investigations it turned out that it was the cocktail of drugs that he had been prescribed which were having a significant impact on both his personality and his memory. Once this was sorted he was quickly back to normal

CiderwithBuda · 31/08/2014 12:50

It sounds like she may be getting confused. It could well be the start of dementia. She needs to see her doctor.

Original poster
dottytablecloth · 31/08/2014 12:50

gremlin she has six adult grandchildren so I don't think the resentment is an issue.

It's got to the stage where my nerves are in bits if she so much as takes ds outside in his buggy for a walk. (Partly because no one knows when she will come back)

OP posts:
Original poster
dottytablecloth · 31/08/2014 12:52

Had a good chat with dh over the weekend and he said he is concerned about his mum. He didn't want to mention anything as it's making him face reality.

Again I haven't said much to him as all the little things seemed minor in isolation and I didn't want to cause tension with my inlaws by making a fuss.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 31/08/2014 12:53

You don't say what your DH thinks.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 31/08/2014 12:54

Oops x post. He needs to face it doesn't he? And he needs to tell her she can't look after DC alone.

Scaredycat3000 · 31/08/2014 12:56

It really does sound medical and in need of help. My MIL has done some very dangerous things with my DC but she has done some very dangerous things with her own DC when they were young. Your situation sounds very different.

sparkycus · 31/08/2014 13:04

Sounds like relatives ive had with first stage of dementia.

Id try and take her to the doctors for a check up . Don't let her babysit , its not fair on anyone .

MrsGeorgeMichael · 31/08/2014 13:08

has she had a health check up recently. could be something as simple as a kidney infection?
please do what others have suggested ie very breezy " oh we don't need you this week, i'm not working" or " child minder needed to change hours"

Original poster
dottytablecloth · 31/08/2014 13:10

Does anyone know if it's possible to have dementia if there is no family history?

OP posts:
Sootgremlin · 31/08/2014 13:10

Ah ok, agree sounds medical. I wouldn't leave her alone with dc, not out of the house at the very least, it's not right that you are on edge. You are ultimately responsible so do what you are comfortable with.

pudcat · 31/08/2014 13:15

Your MIL needs help. It may be something as simple as a urine infection, or the early stages of some type of dementia. Post in the elderly parents forum as there are a lot of folk in there who will offer brilliant advice. She does need to see a doctor to find out what is happening to her.

HearMyRoar · 31/08/2014 13:19

I think if you are nice about this you can spare too much hurt for her, but it seems clear that she isn't up to childcare on her own anymore.

Maybe have a chat with your cm and see if she could either do the extra days now or if she could recommend someone else who could. Then simply tell your mil that some childcare for your DC had become available, but you would still love her to come down, if she possibly could, and help you out sometimes. Make the new childcare just seem like a done deal and no big thing and then ask really nicely about her coming down another time (when you are there obviously) to 'help you out as dc really love to spend time with her'.

Your dh then needs to get together with his siblings and decide what they are going to to do to help her with the health issue. I know it is hard when a patent is ill but the earlier they face up to it and get her some help the better for everyone.

ILovePud · 31/08/2014 13:31

What a difficult situation for you all, I'd echo what all the other posters have said, please don't leave her in sole charge of your DC (even within the house, there's potential for many catastrophic situations there too). It will be hard telling her this but your DC safety is more important than her potential offence. Yes it's perfectly possible to develop dementia with no family history, there are also other neurological and mental health conditions which could account for these symptoms. She needs to see the doctor, if her other kids are noticing this then they all need to take responsibility, be brave and kindly broach the subject with her. Similarly how would they feel if she came to harm herself as a result of some of these changes and they hadn't tried to intervene.

jollygoose · 31/08/2014 13:31

I agree with sparky it sounds like early stage demantia. My df has this and normal behaviour has gone out of the window.

batgirl1984 · 31/08/2014 13:36

You say second child is now due. If you have finished work then you can use mat leave as the perfect time to change your childcare arrangements.YANBU not to leave your child / children with someone who isn't up to it. I have a MIL who only has sons, and I appreciate that sometimes she prefers to tell me stuff (health wise) rather than them, so 'leave it to Dh and sibs' isn't always realistic. But you've asked about your childcare - you wouldn't leave your child with a cm or a teenager down the road who wasn't capable - the only difference is how you choose to present it. I would go with you or partner just happening to have leave on Mil days til the baby comes, the just not resuming the old arrangement. She may know she's not up to it and be relieved!

CiderwithBuda · 31/08/2014 13:36

Yes I think it is possible to get dementia without family history.

Albertatata · 31/08/2014 13:39

Phrase it as you have decided now you don is older he would benefit from a nursery environment etc etc. and find someone else to do the childcare.

No never know she might be relived