To say no to contact?

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

ExH has reared his head again requesting contact with DD. He has requested this through his Sister.

Since we split almost 3 years ago he has at time had very sporadic contact with DD. To paint the picture it's only ever been EOW supervised contact for a few hours for a couple of months at a time then nothing for 4,5,6,7 months. He hasn't now seen DD for over a year (she is 3).

Contact has always stopped previously because of ExH either being still drunk from the night before, so hungover he has not said 2 words to DD during contact, not even getting out of his bed for contact, abusive behaviour towards me between visits and him basically saying I don't want to see her anymore and one lovely time that we turned up and he had been beaten black and blue and hadn't thought to even warn me that I maybe shouldn't take DD down.

The last time contact stopped (his choice) I told him it was the last time it could be arranged privately and if he changed his mind he would have to go through legal channels.

He now wants to see DD (for how long is anyones guess) with me taking her to his house again. Honestly I am not prepared to sit in his company or communicate with him because of his abusive behaviour and am tempted to just say to his Sister that if he is serious about contact he should contact a solicitor and let them guide him through the appropriate channels (mediation etc)

AIBU to say this?

I would also like to add that previously he has also stopped contact when I private maintenance agreement has just been reached. And then would say I'm not paying for a child I'm not seeing.

It hasn't escaped my notice that this request has come just as CMS has caught up with either.

Anyone?

It's a tough situation - and I can see why you wouldn't want him in your little girl's life. He sounds like a total wanker.

If he's being abusive to you, or has been in the past, then no way in hell should you be bringing her to his and supervising contact. It's dangerous for you and potentially damaging for your dd.

If he's serious, supervised contact at a contact centre will keep you safe, allow him the chance to prove he can step up whilst gradually reintroducing him into your daughters life.

He shouldn't be allowed to be a dad on a whim as and when he pleases.

I'd ignore the Sister-in-law and tell her to stay out of it.

He can go through legal channels and set up supervised contact if he wants. Due to the history I wouldn't facilitate it. If he's serious, he'll do it the right way. If you go along with his whims then it will never change. Contact has to been in the child's interest - he doesn't get to see her in return for money.

It's not that I don't want him in her life. Well actually I don't but I can accept that it's not up to me to say you're never seeing her again. I do think it's up to me to not allow him in my life though which means him going about this through official channels.

He most likely wouldn't bother his backside to do this as it would require too much effort over a prolonged period of time however, I know his family will say that I am being awkward by telling him to do it legally which is why I'm asking if it would be unreasonable.

Hope that makes sense

Yanbu he cannot flit in and out of your dd life, pick her up and drop her as he wants. You have given him chances, and have facilitated contact, he has responsibilities too as the other parent. You warned him that he should go to court next time he wants contact, so that is what should happen. They will set up a permanent contact arrangement, if he misses contact if is late, this will be recorded and will not be favourable towards him. You need consistency in your dd life, she deserves better.

Well if he doesent bother going through court you have your answer.

You are doing the right thing. It's not really in the interest of your dd to meet this man that she has to call daddy who will then vanish again. If he is serious he will have no problem going through the formal process.