to think this is strange?

[Insanityismymiddlename]

It's my DDs 1st birthday today, my family have completely ignored it but thats no surprise as they all forgot my other DCs on theirs too, still I am upset but trying not to show it.

What is bothering me though is that DD stayed at MILs last week for a couple of days (her request) and informed me she was going to get DD a small cake and invite 2 children round that she looks after to share it, fine thats nice.

But when DD came back all her cards from DPs side have been opened and the presents are staying at MILs (clothes/toys) for when she goes over there.

I was looking forward to opening cards with DD this morning as it is a tradition in my house to wait until the actual day to open everything and I am annoyed that the only presents DD got outside the house are being held elsewhere for when she visits (which isn't that often) AIBU?

In all honesty I feel like MIL has taken my DDs 1st birthday away from me, had a family party (as all that side who gave cards were obviously there and opened there) and we weren't even invited and lied to saying it was just a small cake and 2 other children.

Why didn't you go to that birthday party at MIL's?

It's normal that presents are opened at the party. A bit strange that they are staying at MIL's, though.

YANBU. That is strange and selfish.

Did you have a date for her birthday party? Did you invite MIL to it?

This happens with my exMIL and my DD's (and did before the split). I find it really weird/ controlling/ her trying to be their 'real family' (she has used this phrase). But then so do her family (one of them asked what they'd really like as they'd noticed the presents hadn't gone home with DD's. I said (carefully) what was happening. A lot of them now put cards in the post with money for DD's.

Do you not have friends with children of a similar age that you can invite round for a small party
Sounds a bit mean of the ILs but presumably they got carried away? And I assume you weren't invited for whatever reason she was staying there in the first place, were you out? If they just aske to have her then yes you should have been invited

I would get your dp to say something. You are the parents, not the in laws. I would go and get the presents, they are for your dd, not for you il to have at their house when she is there.

Ad you know next year not to let have a sleep over just before her birthday

Yanbu

No we weren't invited, it was mentioned in passing that she was having 2 other children that she looks after over and was thinking of getting a small cake for DD, no mention of a party as such, the other children are often at MILs so didn't seem strange.

DD was there at MILs request she hadn't seen her for a while and asked to have her for a couple of days, DP and I try and encourage a relationship between them as they are all a close family and mine aren't, we had no other plans ourselves (in fact I spent the time counting down until I could get her home).

It's not strange, it's totally out of order! It was pre planned.
You now have the choice of contacting you mil now on your child's birthday and getting very upset about it, therefore ruining the day more for you
or enjoying her day today and then bringing it up very soon to get answers and apologies which I would do.
You are probably more in shock that you have just worked out this happened.
It's something I would be having serious words about so this sort of thing doesn't happen again, your child, your rules, your traditions. When I say "your" I mean your dp is in this as you are the family unit together.
Your child won't care or remember it, but enjoy the day today.

What I think is more strange is that you didn't arrange a party for your own child's first birthday and invite the people you wanted to be there. .

I would let it go, your DD is only one and won't have any memories of this - just do something else nice as a family today and make sure YOU and DP plan a proper party for next year.

Ragwort we have a small party arranged for today but DPs side of the family had other plans and MIL won't come to our house no matter how many times she is invited, we must go there (seriously we are 10 mins down the road).

That's a bit much ragwort, I didn't have a "party" for my 1 year old. We went out for the day instead.

Oh god. Have you married my exh? Honestly she sounds so much like my ex MIL. Who is gradually refusing to see more and more of her own family unless they come to her (she lives on the same road as her sister with disabled husband and they havr to go to her).

How is your relationship and your DPs relationship with them generally? How was it before you had DD?

I would be more irritated that the gifts have to be kept at MIL house. Once something is given it belongs to the child and should therefore be taken home and enjoyed wherever the child wants to play with it.

yellow - it didn't have to be a formal 'party' as such, but I find it strange that the op didn't make any arrangements to celebrate the occasion herself but is irritated that her MIL chose to have what sounds like a small tea party.

Clearly the MIL is slightly 'odd' if she won't even visit the op and her family at home - but has the op's DP actually said to his mum 'why don't you come and visit us' - it sounds as though everyone is pussy footing around each other IYSWIM.

I am annoyed about the presents more than anything else DPs dad did the same to DP (buying presents but had to keep them there) and it really annoyed her so I thought she would know better.

The relationship between MIL and I is a whole different thread, she spent my pregnancy upset and not so secretly hoping I'd lose DD, DP was close with her but she has been losing that with her behaviour, she seems to be a text book Narcissist but since DD has been born she has made an effort to be in DDs life.

Of course I could talk to MIL about this but past experience has taught me that she will cry and act like we are stoping her having a relationship with DD and making out we are evil parents like she did when we stopped her having DD for a long time as she bought her home in an undone car seat, and because of this didn't see DD for months as she wouldn't come here and we didn't want to keep making the effort going there.

Ragwort are you my MIL? Seems strange you have an insight into conversations and know whether or not we have made plans.

For the record we have invited MIL on many occasions but she never takes up the invitations and as previously stated we are having a party for DD today.

Ragwort-That's fair enough then.
I do agree with you on the pussy footing around point.

Op- you have a right to be upset, but what you have now added, it's a bit strange you would hand your child over to someone you don't trust for a couple of days. But obviously it's your choice.
You mil sounds like a loon, I would not let her have unsupervised contact, and make her come to your house or she won't see her, go round and pick up the toys, what's the worst thing that will happen?

Its a strange relationship, after the car seat incident and not talking, apologies were made and slowly started to start a relationship, up until now everything has been great and I do trust MIL with DD its taken a lot on both sides but we get on ok.

Its just I know the moment it is mentioned it will all go downhill again.

Anyway thanks for all the responses Im glad I am not AIBU about the presents, DP and I will deal with that another day but for now DD has woken from her nap and we have lots of plans for a fun day.

Thanks again.

What is your DP's take on all this Insanity? - does he just let all this happen - surely he should 'man up' and talk direct to his mother about her odd behaviour; and yes, as yellow says, I think you should perhaps back off from MIL, although I can understand you want your DD to have a relationship with her DGM, it is clearly all on the DGM's terms, which is not reasonable.

Sorry if I sounded harsh, it all sounds very dysfunctional and difficult for you - but sometimes it is easier to stand back & concentrate on your own nuclear family rather than hope things will go the way you would want them to.