Tell the truth, are you happier with a routine?

[Bustermqc]

Now I'm not talking toddlers, older babies because obviously that is different.

I drove myself mental trying to sort out a routine for my last DS. A friend of mine had her children just fall into the routine she set from about three weeks old. But other than that She is the only person I know that it has made her life better.

It made my life highly stressful and I have a friend who doesn't leave the house between like 10 and 3 or something mental due to the routine she has in place for her two.

All the happiest mums I know (with the best sleeping babies as well) are the hippier ones who go with the flow and balk at the idea of any kind of routine. They feed on demand have no bedtime, don't worry about their baby falling asleep in their
Arms or in their bed rather than on own etc. disclaimer: these are also
People with older children who sleep fine, are perfectly normal have a normal routine etc.

So tell me. Is anyone actually successful in sorting out a routine for a younger baby and are you happier for it?

I was. I breastfed so GF wasn't for me, but I nudged DS on to a routine by the time he was 5 months. I had also picked a CM for him and had chatted to her about what her daily routine was like, and tried to nudge him towards that. The MIL once suggested that instead of getting the baby into a routine to get myself into one, which worked well- so a walk at the same time, meals for me roughly at the same time, waking up at the same time etc. But this was t a GF timed routine, ie it is 8:01 and you will eat a buttered toast while your child kicks about on the playmat, but a more flexible one. I did have a relatively fixed bedtime routine from 2 weeks onwards and that seemed to work well. I admit that the routine gave me structure and sanity but after a point DS knew what to expect and was happier on it. However he would nap in his buggy so I stuck to rough feed times and nap times when out and about with buggy naps. I think all this depends on your temperament and that of your baby.

A routine saved my sanity. DD absolutely thrived on it and I turned from a stressed out wreck constantly trying to second guess my baby's cries to a happy chilled mum who enjoyed her baby. (Who rarely cried because I was anticipating her needs.)

Plus I had some 'down time' to recharge my batteries, which may not be important to everyone, but really helped my find the energy to parent in the way I wanted to.

It's funny because before having kids I wouldn't have pictured myself as the routine 'sort' - I've always been quite laid back. But I find that it's much easier to be laid back if your child is happy and their needs are met. A crying/hungry/overtired baby is stressful!

"The MIL once suggested that instead of getting the baby into a routine to get myself into one"

Couldn't agree more with your MIL kew, thats exactly how I feel.
If I know when Ill be getting a shower, a cup of tea and a walk outside Im happy. Babys can do what they like!

As a newborn he would feed to sleep at nap time, when he was down to 2 naps he would feed to sleep but wherever we were- buggy or cot. He rarely resisted naps. For a while between 12-18 months I preferred his afternoon nap to be cot based because he slept longer and was less ratty later on, but if were out and about it was no big deal. At 12 weeks I also kept a 10 day diary of his routine and then nudged him on to that more firmly rather than using a pre created one. So for instance he would always need a nap 90 mins after waking and could never go the full two hours, but could nap a little later in the afternoon. So that's what we did. The morning nap was 8:30-9:15 as a result. I also arranged my housework (before I went back into work) into the nap slots.

Before DH left he would make my breakfast, make me a cup of tea, a sandwich for lunch, do the laundry and the wash the dishes. I would wake and feed, hand over to DH for a cuddle, have a shower and breakfast. Then I would do a quick tidy up before DH left. So 8:30- house clean, everyone fresh, my lunch sorted and off DH went to work. 8:45 down for a nap. I would chop up everything for dinner. Have another cup of tea, check emails and MN. Some sort of morning activity after DS woke up, mid morning feed etc. Then 12ish lunch time feed and long nap. I would finish making dinner. Have my lunch and then go down for a nap myself. DS would wake 2:30ish, and have a long feed. Then off to the park, long walk, etc etc till a big late evening feed I would start a bedtime routine at 6:30ish of a massage, bath, story, breastfeed and down by 7:15. Then between 7-7 all nappy changes and feeds in the dark including cluster feeds when growth spurting (didn't cluster feed otherwise). So not a madly fixed routine, but more of a gentle flow to the day IYKWIM.

8:30 down for a nap. But as I said, we were flexible, if it was 8:45, the world didn't end. And again it was roughly 45 mins for the first nap, if it was an hour long I wasn't fussed, but I did wake him up after that.

I went with my baby and just followed her to be honest. I'm not sure if it made me happier because I didn't try to set a routine, my DD had colic and cried 7-7 then make every 3 hours or do at night. The only way I could have tried to set a routine was to let her cry and I couldn't bare that. A routine, of sorts, developed. For example, first nap after first feed I put her down in her crib so that I could shower. She would sleep for about 20 minutes and in that time I could get clean, dressed and apply a tiny bit of make up before she woke, cried and we started walking around the living room. I found it a challenge to get out at times to be honest but I'm not sure a routine would have helped. Next time around I'm going to go with the baby again. This time though, I'm not going to worry about it as much.

We went with the flow with DD (my first) and it was just chaotic and stressful a lot of the time as neither us knew whether we were coming or going. She did eventually get into a decent routine of her own choosing as a toddler, 15 months onwards I'd say, and life has been much simpler since. DS was born three months after that and he pretty much put himself into a GF style routine from day one and it happens to fit in with DD's routine very well. We are flexible to a certain extent, certainly with the baby as he sleeps well in the pushchair, but it's easier all round if The Toddler can have her nap somewhere quiet and dark. She's seriously grotty all afternoon if she doesn't have enough day time sleep.

dash- nap time during the day for me is currently easier than bed time! I just zip her up in her sleeping bag, give her a squish & explain that it's nap time but I'll be back later, put her down & run away. She doesn't always go to sleep right away but she'll happily chat to her toys/herself before she drops off.
Because she naps at the same times everyday she's usually pretty tired at these times naturally. (Except for the last week where we've both been ill & she's decided naps are for the weak!) but it usually works ok.
I agree it's good to be flexible though & if she is wide awake I'll keep her up an extra 15/30 mins sometimes.

I always had a routine. Feed 3 hourly, burp, change then swaddled and pop back in cot to sleep. Obviously as they get older their naps get shorter and they play more.
Bedtime - I would start off with a feed at 11pm ,then into their cot. By 5 weeks they had dropped their middle of the night feed so I would get 5-6 hours sleep (which is enough for me). By 3-4 months they would drop their 11pm feed and go to bed by 8pm.
I wasn't rigid about it - I wouldn't let them scream in hunger. If they were hungry I fed them. I cuddled them plenty, but I put them down to sleep. I went out every single day - either after their nap or they napped in their pram or buggy. The younger 2 had to fit round school runs and evening activities as well.
I personally didn't want to sit around in my pyjamas all day or have a baby sleep on me. If I was having a baby now I would do the exact same things I did with my others. I found looking after my babies quite easy and fun tbh.

Wow some of you lead such structured lives. Even before having a baby my life didn't really resemble much of a routine!

I think so much of this routine question is down to personality. Not that it's madness 24/7 around here, but DD (8 months) for example can only be relied on to nap "in the morning" - this idea that it could be within a 15 minute window is just laughable for us.

And it took her 3 months to drop down from 20 feeds a day, so I challenge anyone to build a routine in those circumstances...

Yes, I am. Not GF level routine, but more like DD will nap at 11am ish. That sort of thing.

All the hippy mums I know have great babies but fucking wild toddlers too!

This is one of those things where it just depends on the baby and the parent. I am not a routine person and so didn't have one with dd until she started demanding it. Even then I tried to put it off as I was rubbish at it. It just suited me better as trying to stick to a routine world have been very stressful for me.

However, I have a friend who was all out routine from as early as possible. She is a very structured, organised person and she felt much happpier knowing what she was doing when. Going with the flow would have given her heart failure. It worked fine for her and her dd because it suited them.

So, basically, if you feel more comfortable without a routine then don't have one. If you find you prefer one, you go for it. Isn't it nice we are all so different and special :o

DD1 was much happier in a routine.

She no longer cried all evening hence I was also happier.

Yes it was less convenient for me but I didn't really expect life with a small baby to be convenient :-)

The fortnight DD was at home before we started a routine was the worst two weeks of my life, I swear. I hated it, she hated it... no one was happy at all.

Started a vague routine at 3w and she was immediately happier. Just preferred being offered food and naps regularly, rather then waiting until she was starving or exhausted. I did my best to get her to nap in various places so we could still go out and about though.

I suppose it was a tiny bit restrictive, but I preferred that by a million miles to an unsettled, unhappy baby.

I love routines. I've had routines for all four of my babies, usually starting from about 12 weeks.

It fits with the kind of person I am & it seems to have suited my children too. I love knowing what time the children will have their afternoon nap because then I know when I will have a break. I also like having them all in bed for 7pm as it means DH & I have some time together in the evening.

I think the idea of a baby going with the flow is more realistic when there is only one to look after. If you have two close in age though, or twins, I do think it helps to have a bit of a schedule.

It depends on so many things - and what one means by 'routine'. Obviously when a child gets to school going age, then they need to be in bed by a certain time to get enough sleep for the following day's start. But from what i have observed amongst my friends and families, those people with strict routines learnt from baby manuals invariably became a slave to an imposed routine that had nothing to do with how they previously led their lives. So by implementing it, their baby was effectively running the show even though they couldn't see it that way. Now, I'm not saying that our lives shouldn't change when we have children - of course, we become a different entity and the DC's needs must be taken into account - but I have seen so many friends get even more stressed out by keeping a strict routine (GF for example) that curtailed their lives. Not leaving the house at certain times, no visitors during those times etc. I couldn't see how it was making their lives better. It is almost as if by not keeping to the routine they are failing somehow. I definitely err on the side of going with the flow (within reason), so that everybody in the family can do a little of what they want to do when they want to do it.

I will caveat this with people who have twins - I think unless you get into a routine of some sort it can become impossible. But strict routining in the early days when you are trying to establish breastfeeding is just a bit crazy if you ask me as newborns feed in such erratic ways and the little and often feeding rhythm requires a flexible approach.

Parenting is hard enough without beating ourselves over the heads with too much regimentation.

I had a routine with DS. He seemed to thrive on it, slept well and rarely grizzled. It suited me too so we both happy.

We still have routines and set times for doing things.

Yes, I followed GF (more or less - I wasn't super rigid about timings) and it worked for my family and my child - I have an 'only' child so that probably helped.

I can't tell if DS was an 'easy' baby because we followed a routine or if he would have been 'easy' anyway. And by 'easy' I mean that he slept from 7-7 with just one short wake for a feed from the day we got back from hospital. I fed him roughly every four hours & he had two long naps every day - I didn't let his routine stop me from doing anything I wanted to do & I certainly didn't have a 'no visitors' rule or anything like that.

But if a routine worries you, then it probably isn't for you .

F

We used the 90min sleep solution book from about 3mo. It's not really a routine as such but you put then down 90min after last waking but then let them sleep as long as they choose. Naps can be in pram or at home. It worked a dream for us.

Before Ds1 was born I read Libby Purves' book, How not to be a perfect mother - she advocated a laidback attitude to timings etc. and it suited my personality (never been much one for rigid timings unless absolutely necessary) so I just went with the flow.

Still do, really - that's why I love it when it's school holidays and I don't have to worry about getting the DSs up to get DS1 to school etc; we have a much more relaxed time without that level of scheduling. :)

DSs set their own sleep patterns really; both are late birds, like me - trying to get them to sleep before 8:30pm only resulted in them waking up 30 mins later, and then it was next to impossible to get them back to sleep for another couple of hours :( - so they go to bed between 8:30 and 9pm and always have done. They usually sleep for around 11h, although DS1 is starting to reduce to 10h now (he's 6.10)

Does that help at all, in any way of have I just wittered on a bit?

No routine at all. Just went with the flow.