To be hurt that each of my closest friends all describe someone else as their 'bestie'?

[lululimetime]

I know it sounds very childish but I just find it a bit hurtful.

I feel that I'm a good friend, and have 6 or so friends that I would consider to be my closest friends. They're all lovely, and I enjoy the company of each of them (they are all separate from each other, we're not one group of friends)

It's just occurred to me recently that not one single one of them would class me as their best friend. And come to think of it, I don't know really if they all consider me a good friend or not now.

There have been various things that have made me realise that none of them consider me to be a best friend to them, and then yesterday one of them shared a poem about best friends via her Facebook page, and tagged three friends saying it was about them. Another recently got married and I only got invited to the evening part of the wedding because she said it was "only good friends during the day".

I don't know if perhaps it is because I don't tend to put all of my eggs in one basket where friendships are concerned; I have a lot of friends, and after a couple of bad experiences years ago I suppose I keep everyone at arm's length a bit, although I am open and friendly, not aloof or anything like that. I am the sort of person that gets on with everyone, and makes friends at lots of different places.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt?

YANBU to feel hurt,however what does 'Best friends' actually mean?

Do you consider any of them your 'best friend'?

If so, have you told them?

What does it mean to you if not? Why aren't they?

YANBU to feel hurt, it can be upsetting when we realise that people don't view a friendship the same way we do. However I think you've answered your own question as to why by admitting you keep them at arms length. I wouldn't want my best friend to be someone who keeps me at arms length.

I can understand this. I have 3 super close friends but wouldn't really call one my best.

How do you feel about them? Do you tell any of them you love them? Do they feel like sisters - as in you can fall out and wind each other up by accident but know you will always forgive and forget as they are there for life?

Perhaps if you open yourself up more (if you haven't) you will get more. This should feel natural/something you want to do though, not forced.

I felt insecure about this as a teen, don't be tough on yourself.

Take care

I think your situation sounds quite independent and healthy. Relying too much on one person is not necessarily a good thing.

I think I'm very similar to you. Have several 'good' friends but wouldn't describe any as a 'best friend'. Without meaning to sound rude, I find the whole 'bestie' thing a bit childish. It smacks of neediness and some of the people I know who are 'best friends' often seem a bit overly involved in each other's lives which causes drama and occasional arguments. I never argue with my friends as we tend to migrate to being closer at certain times than others as it suits our lifestyles and choices.
However it seems to me that you're not really sure if any of your friends feel 'close' to you which is causing you to feel a bit rejected? If a greater degree of intimacy is something you genuinely want from your friendships, the only way to do this is open yourself up more to those people you want to be closer to. Often making yourself more vulnerable with people promotes closeness, e.g. Telling them stuff you don't share with others and making it clear you're trusting them explicitly. Expressing your fondness of them verbally (this doesn't have to be as creepy as it sounds)! And generally being clearer in what you want from the relationship. This is scary as it opens you up to further rejection, and it may take time for the dynamics of your friendship/s to shift, but if it's what you want, you should try and make it happen.
Personally I think you would be better off being more accepting of the good friendships you have, and being open to meeting new people. Who knows, you may be yet to meet a friend with whom you click so much that you want to spend all that time, energy and emotion being besties with? Try not to be down about it though, there are plenty of very lonely people out there with nobody in their lives, so you're doing fine

Didn't realise we still had best friends when you grow up. (Wonders if missing something). Yanbu to be upset but friendship changes over time and they sound like their view your friendship differently. Doesn't make your friendship worth any less.

I think YABU, yes. What did you expect? You hold them at arms length and protect yourself - you can't possibly expect any of them to consider you a 'best' friend under those conditions surely. You didn't actually think it through did you?! The price of protecting yourself is the lack of closeness that marks a true and deep friendship. They're treating you the way you treat them. At arms length.

I think you are being a little unreasonable.

I have a friend who I am closest too (sorry can't bring myself to use the term best friend) but I very much doubt that I am her closest friend. She has more friends than I do and we are not geographically close. It doesn't bother me in the slightest because I still value her as a long term friend and enjoy putting the world to rights over lunch.

If you have six best friends, I suppose you are 1/6 of a bestie to either one of them?

I think you should look at this from another perspective. Adults who insist on referring to friends as their besties are pretty immature and also rather rude to other friends who offer them plenty.

I don't think you are being U but I don't actually have a best friend, unless you count DP, I suppose he is my 'bestie'. I have a group of very close friends, 6 of us in the group and some other friends that I used to be close to but we've drifted apart after I had a child and moved out of that town.
I think as you grow up your friends change and it's not necessary to have a BFF or whatever! I've certainly never considered it at all before now!

In my heart I have a best friend, and I am hers as well. But I never declare her best friend status publicly, because I don't want my other friends to feel hurt. Sorry, not very helpful, but I think that they are being a bit out of order to not include you in certain things.

"only good friends during the day" How rude to word it like that to a friend.

I am very similar to you, but just feel ok about it, I do find that my friends who have 'besties' change bests frequently and fall out with each other like children I only have a couple of friends who are quite new and the others have been my friends for well over 10 years, I'd prefer that to being someones flavour of the month.

Agree with TheSameBoat. This has clearly never occurred to you as a problem until now. Honestly, I think any adult going on about 'besties' sounds like she should be playing with a My Little Pony. It's a bit juvenile, isn't it?

I don't know how people define a "best friend" in adulthood. I probably don't have one. The friends who I have the most in common with are probably my old university friends, but we live all over the place and go years without seeing eachother. The friends who I see the most are the school mums, some of whom I probably wouldn't spend time with at all if our kids weren't at the same school. I have a couple of local good friends who are the probably the ones I would turn to in a crisis, but I think relationships change in adulthood don't they, especially when kids come along. We're all too busy to spend hours having lunch and chatting about everything, so friendships are fitted in around life, rather than being the centre of it.

OP I think your comment about keeping people at arms length may be significant. I remember in my 20s one of our gang got a new girlfriend. She was friendly, chatty, smiled, laughed, joined in etc, but even after a couple of years none of us girls felt close to her. I wondered why, and realised it was because she never "opened up". She never shared her problems with us, never confided her hopes and fears, never showed any vulnerability. Of course that was entirely her prerogative, but it meant that while we all enjoyed her company and found her fun, we never felt a close affinity with her. Could that be how your friends feel?

If none of them are your 'best friend', why would any of them think you are their best friend.

It's not compulsory to have a best friend you know. Assuming you're not 9.

Hmm. I don't have a best friend either. At times it bothers me (really don't have anyone who would arrange a surprise party for me for eg!) but I try not to think about it too much.

Most people who I know have best friends have only ever lived in one place and grown up with the same people. I've moved around a lot, and picked friends up from various different places. Hence, I'm like an addition to their existing friendship network?

I find the "bestie" thing very much the mentality of junior school. I remember listing first best friends and second best friends...

There are people you are closer to than others. I've got many good friends, but a small cluster that I know that whatever I invest will return that investment. I wouldn't list them as "besties" on Fb as I think that would be quite insulting to other good friends, some of whom are fantastic, but there's logistical barriers that affect the friendship.

YANBU

Yanbu it can be hurtful, but I think it's good and healthy to have a few close friends, instead of an intense relationship with one. I think you have answered your question, mabey you do put a distance between them and you without realising. Mabey the it her 'best friends' are emotionally closer and they feel more closer to them than you. I don't have a 'bestie' if you like dh is my bestie, bit I have a few close friends. I think tge whole bestie thing is very childish, really harks back to school playground IMHO!

I understand why you are upset. I think it is because you keep your friends at arms length.

It is good that you have several friends.

I do not have a best friend (Aside from my partner....he is my best friend).

I have not had a female best friend since my teenage/early twenties. Once I got married and had a baby my best friend and I carried on as best mates until our lives took us in different directions. I left England and only returned about 3 years ago and all of my old friends have moved on and my 'closest friends' are in the country I left. This means I have had to start again. I have budding friendships at my place of worship, work and neighbours but my partner (whom I met at work) is my best friend.

I do feel a bit sad when I see my former best friend on facebook saying she loves her bestie of 30 years...(not me but a friend she became close to around the time our lives moved in different directions). I do feel a bit sad but I know I wasn't around for her all of those years whereas the other woman has been constant.

I did have another best friend in my teens but sadly she did in early adulthood without ever marrying or having kids so I still miss her.

I have to be honest. I only like to be close to one woman at a time. I am not one for large groups of female friends. I prefer male company to be honest. But when I have had best friends they have been like sisters to me for the duration of years of the friendship. I also had a childhood best friend from pre-school to early teens.

So in my life I had had three best friends.

Bestie number 1 (moved away to another town in early teens) was from from pre-school to early teens.

Bestie number 2 (now deceased)

Bestie number 3 from early teens to early twenties (drifted due to married kids, relocation etc) We are still friends today but only see each other at special occassions ie....my granddaughters birthday party.

I am now 48 year old and don't have a bestie except my partner.

I think I may have outgrown the concept and I am very independent.

OP you are pretty normal...I think a lot of us are in situations like you...lots of acquaintance type friends but not too emotionally invested in them and not too intimate.

I think YABU, yes. What did you expect? You hold them at arms length and protect yourself - you can't possibly expect any of them to consider you a 'best' friend under those conditions surely. You didn't actually think it through did you?! The price of protecting yourself is the lack of closeness that marks a true and deep friendship. They're treating you the way you treat them. At arms length.

Also agree with what TimeFor has said. You have to be more emotionally open to make close friends.