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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Man leering at teenage DD

47 replies

lucydaniels4658 · 30/08/2014 22:58

DD is 14 but doesn't look it (looks much younger) . Anyhow a local man has been making DD feel uncomfortable . DD says he is around 30 but he stares at her and if she looks in his direction he kisses the air at her. He also sat next to her on bus (i know not criminal) but as they were only 2 on the bus its odd. He hasn't spoke to her just stares and blows kisses . His flat is next to the bus stop she says he blows kisses through the window and is quite creeped out. She was also creeped out as she went to another town and he was there in several shops she was and where they had lunch (could be a coincidence i know).I don't know what to do ! As he hasnt spoken to her would police do anything or even listen?

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/08/2014 09:26

If construction workers start wolf whistling, get a photo of them and the company name and bloody report them! The industry has been trying to stamp this out for decades.

Lucy yes report it, they might have a dozen other reports about him you just don't know. But is there a different bus stop she can use rather than stand outside his house each time?

Original poster

lucydaniels4658 · 31/08/2014 09:28

I don't think there is anything wrong with being a bit loud if someone is making you feel very uncomfortable DD wouldn't but i encourage her to wrong maybe but surely better than looking petrified. Her friend said "piss off perv " .

OP posts:

CarmineRose1978 · 31/08/2014 09:32

I had something similar when I was about her age, and I was frankly terrified. It didn't help that my mum didn't believe me/thought I was exaggerating/mistaken at first. Then one time she saw him try to touch me up at my bus stop, and the next day, my dad, big brother, uncles and male cousins waited at the bus stop with me in a large and threatening crowd. He stopped bothering me after that but really I look back now and can't believe we didn't just call the police.

HamishBamish · 31/08/2014 09:34

Definitely report him. That kind of behaviour is unacceptable and no normal man would do it. I may be he's already known to the police or he may have some mental health issues, but for his safety too he needs to be spoken too. If he does have mental health issues and isn't made aware that his behaviour is unacceptable he may find himself in a difficult or violet situation at the hands of a boyfriend or parent.

If his intentions are sinister, then he obviously needs to be stopped too. Either way, I would report.

RhiWrites · 31/08/2014 09:37

I was wondering about her saying (while friend is with her). "I am 14 years old, if you come near me again I will call the police." However, I actually think it would be best to call the police first and seek their advice.

It's sexual harassment and it's escalating. I think it is serious.

Original poster

lucydaniels4658 · 31/08/2014 09:44

I have reported they have given me a crime reference number and are coming to speak with us about it.

OP posts:

MrsZiegler · 31/08/2014 09:59

my sister had exactly the same thing happen to her on the train to school (she was a bit older than your dd). My parents reported it and the police were excellent - a transport officer actually did the journey with her three times over the course of a couple of weeks, they saw the man once & warned him to keep away. My sister never saw him again.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 31/08/2014 10:21

When I say loud, I mean in places like a shop, the bus. The point is to draw attention TOWARDS her. In situations like that, she wants people to see that he is bothering her. A- witnesses. B- protection, safety in numbers. C- if she is willing to speak up and be vocal in a public place, it can sometimes make her a less likely victim for the person to pick on IYSWIM.

CarbeDiem · 31/08/2014 10:38

Glad you've reported it.
When I was her age and younger - I had boobs and curves which made me look older and used to receive many unwanted comments.
A few occasions I actually screamed ''I'm 14 you pervert!'' which certainly did embarrass them and stop them from paying me any more attention.
Probably not a good idea though, looking back, as I could have endangered myself further.
I hope it gets sorted out quickly.

afterthought · 31/08/2014 10:52

I agree with Agentzigzag about telling people how to keep safe can make it feel like their fault - almost like victim blaming.

I'm glad you have reported it but it might be worth having a chat with your daughter about general safety (whilst ensuring she doesn't feel that she is to blame) would be a good idea.

I wouldn't recommend her getting off the bus earlier or later as I think she would be safer on the bus (as long as she sits downstairs near the driver) and maybe someone could meet her at the bus stop. Also, sticking to main roads to walk home and not taking short cuts.

Does your area have community help points? This is where schools and local businesses have signed up and will display a sign in their window that young people can go in if they need help - it is essentially to make them feel safe. Even if your area doesn't, encourage your daughter to go into the nearest public place - library, bank, shop etc if anything is making her feel uncomfortable.

Sallyingforth · 31/08/2014 10:58

OP has she got a personal alarm? They are very cheap and make a hell of a noise. Tell her that if he gets too close she should pull the pin and point at him. Everyone will look and it should give him a real fright.

Marylou62 · 31/08/2014 11:06

I too had a young looking but curvy DD. I used to watch men leer at her and I would put myself between them and her and stare them out...I actually said to a few...'she's a child'...nearly all of them looked sheepish...the thing is she was/is beautiful and I find my self looking at beautiful children sometimes too and no way am I a perv...
but this has gone beyond that and yes you have done the right thing by getting the police involved....My DD now 21 handles it well now by herself but found it awful when she was 13-14.....

BorisBaby · 31/08/2014 15:05

Do let us know how you get on with the police. My friend has a daughter who's 13 (looks 13) she's stunning and she has had many a grown man chat her up!

CarmineRose1978 · 31/08/2014 18:36

Just had a thought - can she take a photo of him with her phone?mthat would make it easier for the police, I imagine. It might also put him off. If I'm the passenger in a car which is being harassed by another driver, I often conspicuously take their photo and it usually makes them back off.

thornyhousewife · 31/08/2014 19:13

Personal alarm? Calling 101? Taking photos of him? Having a speech ready?

This isn't for your daughter to sort out.

This can be solved by you or your daughter's father going to the bus stop with her and telling this man to fuck the hell off and if you see him again he'll be dead.

BOFster · 31/08/2014 19:37

Well, yes, there is that. But a visit from the police might just stop him from just harassing some other young girl.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/08/2014 19:51

I think you've done exactly the right thing reporting to the Police. I hope they have some advice how to handle this. Is there any scope for getting the bus at a different stop?

CarmineRose1978 · 31/08/2014 20:02

Calling 101 isn't asking her to take care of it herself. Its asking the police to take care of it. Taking a photo of him would assist the police. As BOFster says, a visit from the police might save some other girl being assaulted/stalked as well.

bikermouse1 · 31/08/2014 21:22

So much older but the police intervention did it for me - and him 101 and involving the professionals is the way to go, I reckon. No empty threats from them, what they said would happen if he stepped out of line again most certainly WOULD happen. Somehow a minimum night in the cells didn't appeal to him.....strange, that...

Btw, the cops gave me a personal alarm which, when I'm home, routinely sits by my landline phone (the one perp would use - if he dared. Guaranteed to burst his eardrums, I reckon). It's a black canister, gold lettering, called 'shrill alarm'. Otherwise I have it with me.

This was bad for me, can't really begin to imagine how your dd has been coping at such a young ago with her weirdo. So glad she's got you, her friends and the cops alongside.

bikermouse1 · 31/08/2014 21:35

Last thing for those who say have a prepared speech ready? Things happen, believe me, you freeze, mind blocking out that this is really happening.. Might only be for a few seconds but these can be crucial. And the girl is only 14....

The police called round to report back (was going to write de-brief but somehow it didn't seem appropriate). Two went, knocked on his door, invited themselves in, and told his fortune for him. But, as a safeguard, gave me the personal alarm, told me to blast it down the phone or, if he approached me, to blast it in his face. No words necessary.

ethelb · 31/08/2014 21:35

Report and introduce her to the everyday sexism project

differentnameforthis · 01/09/2014 04:21

This can be solved by you or your daughter's father going to the bus stop with her and telling this man to fuck the hell off and if you see him again he'll be dead.

All well & good, but that

1] makes the op & her family in the wrong (threatening violence)
2] he could stop, move on to another girl & if anything is likely to be on his mind (indecent assault/rape), he could escalate further on the next girl due to fear of being found out/stopped again
3] he might NOT stop but escalate, out of retribution
4] if the police aren't contacted at this point & he does escalate, there is no proof (aside from the ops dd's word against his) that it was a slow process & he was harassing/stalking her for some time previously

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