Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at friend saying she "doesn't do being single"

26 replies

BehindHerSmile · 30/08/2014 20:37

Since secondary school (10 years) my friend has been single for at most a month in total.

Around 6 relationships. We were talking about exes and she was making a joke that she can't believe she dated some of them but she just doesn't do bring single.

It annoyed me and I'm not sure why.

I'm single and I kind of feel she was making it out to be the worst thing that could happen to a person.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 30/08/2014 20:38

some women would rather be with any old waster than alone. I've known a fair few.

Liara · 30/08/2014 20:44

I would feel very sorry for her, actually.

And I say this as someone who has been in relationships almost continuously since I was 12 (yes, 12).

However, I was always more than willing to be single, which meant that if a relationship wasn't working for whatever reason, I was more than happy to give it up.

If you 'need' to be in a relationship then you are much more likely to put up with shit.

Dh and I both consider our relationship (going on for 25 years now) to have greatly benefitted from the fact that we both fancy the idea of being single, but just not enough to give up the relationship we have.

It's a good measure of a relationship worth having imo...

EverythingCounts · 30/08/2014 20:45

Did anyone ask her 'Why?' when she said this?

It is a big mistake to be that way. But as Nancy said, some people are like this.

MamaPain · 30/08/2014 20:49

Some women think their value is directly proportional to their ability to attract a man.

Notacs · 30/08/2014 20:50

Some people don't. It's not a reflection on you. I'm not massively keen on singleness to be honest.

MamaPain · 30/08/2014 20:52

So in summary you should feel sorry for her and relieved you don't have the same issue.

Ludways · 30/08/2014 20:52

I have a mate like that, straight from one to another, often having the next one lined up before finishing it. Not overlapping but def waiting.

I was happier bring single and shied away from commitment, lol. I wasn't short of male company but never a boyfriend till my late twenties.

Somewhere between the two would be best, lol

museumum · 30/08/2014 20:53

Some people would rather be with anybody than be single. I don't agree. I am picky I guess but it's good. I'm happy in my own company, and, even better, I have a wonderful husband and my two long term relationships before him were positive and ended relatively amicably.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 30/08/2014 21:31

I couldn't bear to be single when I was younger, I was so messed up and loathed myself so much I couldn't cope with being alone because it would just highlight how miserable I really was. That coupled with some serious difficulties saying no even when I wanted to meant that like your friend was rarely single for more than a month at a time.

I'm not saying that's what's going on for her, everyone is different but I don't understand why it bothered you so much either. It was not a criticism of you or anyone else, being single may not be the worst thing to happen to a person but maybe she feels it would be the worst thing that could happen to her.

polomoomin · 30/08/2014 22:02

My mum is like this. She's put up with some right shit all because she doesn't want to be single. Something's that affected me too and I resent her for. She's clearly got issues with being alone. I'm the opposite, I genuinely don't mind being independent. Thank god!

You should also thank yourself lucky that you aren't like that. It seems like a pretty crippling way to be. Also means they settle for wankers sometimes to avoid being on their own. Low self esteem and it's sad. You're wanker free and clearly able to rely on yourself.

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2014 22:08

I know a couple of people like this and they're lonely Sad

I can't judge them for that.

I don't think she was trying to say she didn't 'approve' of you being single or she would have gone on to question you about why you are.

ArabellaTarantella · 30/08/2014 22:11

She's saying SHE doesn't do single.........NOT that you are a lesser being for being single. Don't tale it personally.

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2014 22:14

Does you taking it personally say you're a bit sensitive about choosing to be single OP?

CatKisser · 30/08/2014 22:15

I'd just think it's very sad she doesn't seem to like herself enough to be alone for a while. If more people thought of their "default status" as single they'd raise their bars a bit and not attach themselves to vile tossers out of fear of ending up on the shelf.

fluffyduffydoo · 30/08/2014 22:16

People have different expectations

Your friend obviously only feels complete/worthy when with a guy

She is not having a dig at you, just admitting she doesn't do single

Perhaps you could have a chat with her and help her realise you don't need a man to be happy?

EarthWindFire · 30/08/2014 22:17

I know of women and men that are like this. Like pp have said. I find it quite Sad really.

Viviennemary · 30/08/2014 22:21

I agree that she wasn't having a go at you. There's people who would rather be with anyone than be on their own. That's up to them though I don't quite get it either.

Notacs · 30/08/2014 22:23

I don't think it's so much needing a man as the fact the worlds set up for two people, living together.

It can be difficult to adjust if you've also been used to that.

OddFodd · 30/08/2014 22:25

I think it's probably the reason most people are in relationships. There's an absolute horror/fear of being single.

MajesticWhine · 30/08/2014 22:29

It's the OP that's feeling annoyed, not the friend. Why do people feel sad for her or think the OP should "have a chat with her". Maybe she is happy with her choices.

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2014 22:32

Do you really think it's the reason for most people OddFodd?

I think I used to be like it when I was in my early 20s (and I was lonely), but then learnt to love being on my own, and it does feel as though it gives me a little bit more power/control (not in an abusive way (I hope Shock)) to know that I'm in my marriage because I want to be there and not because I'm scared of being on my own.

Although after 15 years with DH maybe I'm just deluding myself and I'd hate it now?

Notacs · 30/08/2014 22:35

I am not afraid of being single at all, I think in many ways it is nice and straightforward.

But some things will be out. Holidays, weekends away, going out for a meal. Yes you can get friends but if friends are in couples themselves this can be difficult to negotiate.

Living alone is more expensive. Bills cost the same: mortgages can't be split, it costs the same to heat a house and council tax is the same/only slightly less.

Also I do know some people who just see being single as wrong and I know a lady who is constantly being asked 'have you found a fella yet?' - so rude! But people do.

For my part I think a happy relationship is better than happy single and that's why people strive for it. But in striving for it they often accept an unhappy relationship instead of happy single which is better.

CatKisser · 30/08/2014 22:48

For my part I think a happy relationship is better than happy single and that's why people strive for it. But in striving for it they often accept an unhappy relationship instead of happy single which is better.
I think this is absolutely spot on.

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2014 22:52

It's easily done though Notacs.

If you've accepted that there are going to be some things you don't like about your DP and it's a matter of the good bits outweighing the crap bits, it's easy for the balance to slowly tip into shitness without you really noticing.

And sometimes if you hate yourself you can get into the mindset that it's actually you and not them who's shit, or even that you deserve the shit?

Notacs · 30/08/2014 22:56

Oh absolutely and it's more complicated still when children are involved.

I'm married and it's crap! But I just don't feel I have the right to make a decision for my children. So hard when a relationships established.

Swipe left for the next trending thread