to not want her to move in

[girlwithgreeneyes11]

Ok not sure if I am being a prize bitch or not. Background mil has just been diagnosed with cancer. She has two sons. Dh and I have 3 ds aged 8, 5 and 2. Bil has a 1 year old. They live close to mil. Both me and sil are sahms.
I have sympath for mil and the family but am struggling as mil has recently slagged me off in front of my 8 year old. As a result I have tried to avoid her as much as possible pre diagnosis.
It is likely that mil will need lots of care in the next month or so. The 2 brothers have been discussing the way forward. It has been suggested that she moves in with bil for half the time and the other half with us.
I am extremely reluctant to do this as we really don't have the room and I am still upset about the other incident.
Aibu to suggest another way forward where dh stays with mil weekends and evenings and sil and bil can do weekdays as they are closer.

"The 2 brothers have been discussing the way forward."

If their big plan involves you and SIL taking on all the extra work then they should be including you both in those discussions.

YANBU to make a suggestion.

No, your NBU.....any discussion needs to include you and SIL as you will both be impacted the most

Does MIL even want to move I with either of you?

If she does then all 4 of you need to have a discussion (you, SIL, BIL and DH) then go back and have another discussion with MIL.

YANBU

Agree with everyone else, your DH & BIL have no right to commit you & SIL to looking after your MIL without consultation. Looking after your own children as a SAHM is totally different to nursing someone with cancer, especially if there are already tensions within that relationship. Your DH needs to include you in all decisions. YANBU!

Sorry to hear about your MIL illness, hope she responds well to the treatment. I don't think you're being a bitch at all, I'm not sure whether her moving in with you or her other son's family would be the best solution even if relationships were peachy. I think in the circumstances you describe it could be a recipe for tension, her being ill won't suddenly make her a nice person or your relationship better. Do you know how MIL feels about this, perhaps she wants to stay in her own home? Also how aware is your DH of the situation with you and MIL and how has he handled it? I think however well intentioned your DH's and BIL's discussions have been they are out of order having these without the involvement of their wives. I think the solution you suggest also sounds problematic, when will you and the kids wouldn't see DH/dad? Could you arrange help getting her to appointments and perhaps help with things like shopping, doing some washing or cooking, things that don't need you to interact with her so much?

Hi OP sorry to hear about your MIL, is your DH and BIL assuming you and SIL will be doing the lions share of care? There'll be lots of appointments, who will take her to these?

Forgot to say have Macmillan been in contact yet?

Thank you. Not sure about McMillan. Will have to ask dh. I think mil would rather be in her own home. She also has some friends who have been helping with appointments. Sil is happy to help as she only has 1 child and has a better relationship with mil.
Since starting thread I have spoken to dh again and he accepts moving in with us isn't practical. Going to look at carers too.
Its a shame really as I cared quite abit for my mum during her illness and until this year would have been more supportive of mil.

If MIL is ill, then with the best will in the world, being around small children 24/7 is not going to be a good thing for her. Suggest she stays in her own home and has her primary care there, she needs to rest and recuperate.

By all means divide up her care fairly between the family, but please don't make her be with the little ones until she's able to cope with having them around.

I think dh thinks it was a throway comment by mil and that I am being ulta sensitive. However, she brought it up on Mothers Day when I was feelingl fragile due to losing my mum close to mothers dat 4 years ago.

Thats what I thought aswell blank. Ours boys are lovely but are loud and boisterous. Not great for a poorly person to be around.

Don't feel guilty - you have no need to ,you cared for your mum because you presumably love her and have ( had)a good relationship with her ,your DH can ,if he chooses to ,do the same for his mum - if not, get carers in as required .

Re:carers, Macmillan are fab, they'll adjust the level your MIL needs and are there to support you as well as your MIL.

I agree with Blank. If she is going to start chemo the last thing she needs is to be around young DC. They are germ magnets.

No, you aren't being a bitch.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum and I hope DH's mum makes a good recovery.

I think everyone else has it covered really

• she was horrible to you, slagging you off in front of your child and having cancer isn't going to make her any nicer.

• being around kids isn't very restful anyway.

• you are the SAHP, if DH was the SAHP I'd say that really if you could, you should try, but as you will be the one at home doing the caring. NO.

• your DC deserve a harmonious family home, not one where there is a lot of tension.

If you do end up sharing the care with BIL/SIL at your MIL's house then I'd suggest you get in as much other care as you can and that your DH doesn't end up committing to every weekend because otherwise he wont get any family time with you and the children and that's not reasonable.

Chemo starts next week.

She'll have a weakened immune system and with schools starting back soon your DC are likely to pick up something.

i feel sorry for you OP .but i agree with your stance .i would think your hubby and his brother have not thought this out .she may not want to come anyway .but to be honest if my mother inlaw was ill .i could not look after her .i am not that forgiving no matter how ill .i know i sound a callous bitch but true .and if yours hurt you so badly .why the hell should you because it would be you and your SIL doing most of the caring and not her sons lets be honest .