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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH, his ex, and money... Long.

24 replies

mummaduke · 30/08/2014 00:55

I should probably name change for this but I don't know how. And I'm a bit pished.

So. Tell me, AIBU...

DH split up with his ex 7 years ago (they were together 10 years). They have stayed in touch, and since DH sold HIS house 3 years ago, she has repeatedly requested money from him in lieu of rent she paid while she lived there. Worth noting that he offered many times to add her to the mortgage but she didn't want that.

Anyway... 2 yrs ago, she formally requested a lump sum of Â£17K, to help toward her own house purchase. DH was ready to hand the cash over, but I encouraged him to seek legal advice. I wasn't at all convinced he owed her a thing.

As I thought, she wasn't legally entitled to a penny, but solicitor suggested a 'nuisance payment' of Â£5K be offered to finally put the issue to bed. DH seemed happy, he'd saved himself some money. I was reassured the issue (and ex) would go away at last.

So, DH met with ex, explained his position, and the Â£5K was settled upon. This was 18 months ago.

I have tonight discovered that DH has not paid her. That he has been dipping into the money to cover our living costs, without telling me (I am coming to the end of my maternity leave and he's been the sole earner).

This has all come out over a bottle of wine (or two). It has ended in a huge row. I feel deceived, hurt, and confused. Why can't he get rid if this ex once and for all? He's thrown it all in my face. That he was just doing the right thing for our family. He's mouthing off all sorts of shit 'oh what, you think I still fancy her?'...

AIBU to be livid with him, again?

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 30/08/2014 00:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mummaduke · 30/08/2014 00:59

No kids, no nothing. Except rent paid to help towards bills.

OP posts:

clam · 30/08/2014 00:59

I'm not sure I understand. You didn't want him to pay her anything, as you felt she wasn't entitled to anything. He hasn't paid her (rightly or wrongly, depending on one's view of the morals of it). So, why are you cross?

clam · 30/08/2014 01:02

She had to pay to live somewhere. So if she hadn't paid him rent, then she would have had to have paid someone else for a place to live. So I can't see that he owes her anything on that score.

But that wasn't your question. What exactly is your beef?

Original poster

mummaduke · 30/08/2014 01:02

But that's a bit irrelevant, they met and he agreed to pay her £5K. He has conveniently 'not gotten around to it', despite having met solicitors (and the ex!).

I'm a) worried as to why he can't seem to let go of it, b) fuming that I've been paying for our food bills out if money promised to his ex!

OP posts:

clam · 30/08/2014 01:03

Has he signed anything to say he'll give her this money?

Darkesteyes · 30/08/2014 01:04

He hasnt paid her but hes told you he has and has spent the money on something else????????????

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2014 01:07

He sounds to me as though it was a good thing he didn't pay her if he's had to use it for living expenses.

It's not on that he's kept it from you, but it's plausible that he was trying to shield you from anything to do with his ex knowing it'd upset you?

Is she really £5k worth of a nuisance? I'd put up with a significant amount for that amount of cash! And giving her five grand isn't a guarantee that she'll never bother you again.

She's not entitled to it, tell her to fuck off and ignore any other communication about the subject.

Original poster

mummaduke · 30/08/2014 01:08

My beef is that as a couple, we decided what we thought was fair; to offer £5K (despite legally not obliged to) as a goodwill gesture, to put it to bed once and for all. He hasn't honoured this, despite promising me he'd sort it straight after our honeymoon. And we are now in debt, eating into that £5K.

As to why he agreed to pay it: We were advised that she could try to take him to court which could have been messy/nasty. She'd have lost, but DH is kind and I think feels a bit sorry for her.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2014 01:09

Ahhh, is him saying ''oh what, you think I still fancy her?'...' him thinking that you're thinking he hasn't paid her because he doesn't want to 'end it' end it?

Do you think that?

Original poster

mummaduke · 30/08/2014 01:10

Agent Zig, this is DH's argument exactly. However, I'd rather go into our overdrafts than have her chasing us for £5K.

Yes, they both agreed and signed (or so I'm told), £5K and no further requests.

OP posts:

clam · 30/08/2014 01:11

"He has conveniently 'not gotten around to it',"

Why "conveniently?" Are you implying that the reason he's not paid her is because he wants to prolong contact? Isn't it more likely that he's just changed his mind about owing it to her after all, and has therefore put his head in the sand while he wonders what to do about that. And in the meantime has been inadvertently dipping into it?

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2014 01:11

'She'd have lost, but DH is kind and I think feels a bit sorry for her.'

He feels £5k sorry??

I feel sorry for lots of people, but it doesn't mean I think they're entitled to my/my DHs hard scraped by cash.

Do you think that's why he hasn't paid her?

Original poster

mummaduke · 30/08/2014 01:13

A little bit perhaps, it certainly sounded like a messy break up that ruined him for a while. I've often wondered why he felt he owed her anything... And now concerned as to why he didn't pay her when it was agreed 18 months ago.

To clarify, we could have afforded it then, but we can't now!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2014 01:15

Does what they've signed mean he has to pay her that money then? Can he change his mind and give her fuck all if he wants?

I can't get over either of you thinking it was a fair agreement, has his ex got convictions for stalking or violence or something?

I'm just trying to work out why you'd give in to her so easily.

Original poster

mummaduke · 30/08/2014 01:17

Worth adding, before I made him seek legal advice, he was all up for giving her £17K!

Perhaps knowing he doesn't legally owe her a penny has made him rethink it all... Fair enough.

I just feel like I've been kept massively in the dark, and have only found out tonight how badly we are in the red.

He signed an agreement too. I didn't want to hear anymore about this/his ex... But here it is, again...

OP posts:

clam · 30/08/2014 01:21

Well, the first thing to do is to find out if whatever it was he signed is legally binding. If not, then I would be telling the ex I'd changed my mind and that she's not entitled to anything (as in she received board and lodging in return for the rent she paid and no one is able to get a refund on that). Then, that 5K, or what's left of it is yours and you are no longer in the red.

THEN sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he ever lies to you or keeps you in the dark like this again, you will string his balls from the nearest lamppost.

Original poster

mummaduke · 30/08/2014 01:21

I don't know, it was done on the advice of a good and reputable solicitor. To fight the ex in court would have meant digging up old bank statements, bills, emotional turmoil perhaps, who knows. 'Nuisance payment' is a real term, and that's exactly how we both saw it,

DH has just sold the house. He'd made very good money on it. Perhaps he felt he did owe her something, fuck knows. I don't want to ask too many questions. But yes, as far as I'm aware they signed a legal document and he owes her the money.

OP posts:

ArsenicyOldFace · 30/08/2014 01:33

So what's he saying? That he didn't get round to it? Or that he (you) didn't have it?

Original poster

mummaduke · 30/08/2014 01:36

He's ultimately arguing that he didn't get around to it... But 'what a good job, as we've needed it'.

If I'd known we were that hard up I'd have budgeted food etc more wisely and gone into our overdraft. I just want the issue gone!

OP posts:

ArsenicyOldFace · 30/08/2014 01:40

Sounds as though £17k at the time of sale might have been less hassle than £5k now.

He's certainly making a meal out of it isn't he? If he's not careful he'll be paying interest on something that was essentially voluntary

Coughle · 30/08/2014 01:58

Why hasn't she chased him up for it??

fondasharing · 30/08/2014 02:07

This is a lesson to any of you out there who are not married and do not have their name on the mortgage deeds.....arrange for something called a "deed of trust" to be drawn up immediately and ensure that any financial contributions you make are recorded so that you are then legally entitled to compensation if and when the relationship ends.

I do not know why your solicitor told you that your husband's ex partner would not be entitled to compensation for living with him for 10 years and paying him rent - (even if her name was not on the mortgage deeds). By contributing to the upkeep of his house, this woman would be entitled to some compensation as his common law wife.....if she went to court..she would be awarded a reasonable sum. I do not think he is telling you the truth about the contributions she made. As you say, if it went to court and the woman can produce evidence of how much she contributed to their joint life, then she may even be entitled to more than 17K.

So, whatever his reasons for not paying yet, I would urge you to settle your differences, enable the payment or otherwise your husband's ex partner may feel that she should go to court and gain compensation.

noexcuseiammental · 30/08/2014 02:18

I don't normally reply to threads but just to correct the above post. Common law wife does not exist in English law and it is very specific what is expected in Scottish law

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