Playdates

[despondentmummy]

I know this has been raised on here many, many times! DC1 is 3 and I've also got a baby. I feel pressurised to do 'playdates' (hate the term) as all the other mums in my circle do them and invite us quite a bit but I don't enjoy them, I find them very stressful. I think DC1 enjoys them but she's still little so I can't always tell. DC1 is better now she's a bit older and is normally fine at someone else's house but struggles with someone else in her space playing with her stuff. She does share but tends to be quite quiet and so tends to be pushed about by more boisterous kids, even in her own home, but this eventually leads to her getting fed up and then completely refusing to share. I don't think a 3 year old can cope with sharing very well, particularly in their own space, but it seems I'm the only one who thinks this in my circle, so I feel pressured to keep doing it. I also think it's a fine line to tread asking our girls to be compliant and share nicely while also wanting them to have a backbone and stand up for what they want. Pre-school have said DC1 doesn't always assert herself (ie has to be reminded that it's her turn etc so staff are asserting her rights for her, as it were) so I'm really aware of this. Ideally I'd stop the playdates until she's much older and has chosen some friends, rather than the kids who happen to be in my antenatal/playgroup circle, but my Dad was an introvert with depression and we never had people over as kids, very very rarely, and so when we did it felt weird and uncomfortable and both my parents were tense. I am introvert now in the true sense of the word, as in I tend to get very peopled out by too much social interaction and need my own space, and I'm happy with that but I do worry ensuring my children get a balance (DH is very sociable and would have people over every day if he could!). AIBU?!

I'd wait until school age tbh
I'd just meet at the park or play gym
Mine didn't really start going on their own to others houses until school , even then it only started in earnest in year 1
Now they're in juniors it's a lot less frequent

Any tips on helping her to assert herself in this situation? I try not to interfere too much and if the other child does something wrong (hitting etc) the other mother deals with it, but how do I help her assert herself rather than getting pushed about by others?

It depends what you want really, she gets her lead from you and quite clearly you would rather not have them at all.
I would stop having a big group and have one mother with her children. Much nicer for your DC and they can play properly and learn to share and have give and take- much more difficult to be thrown in with a big group.

I would interfere a bit more- they are very little to cope alone.
If you had just one parent and child over it would be much easier. Start with visits to the park rather than home until she gets to know the other child.

I wouldn't wait for school - they will be expected to go alone then- better to have experience younger with her mother.

Yes that's what I struggle with really, and perhaps why I'm so uncomfortable with the situation of the play date, as I struggle to assert myself and I find pre-schooler behaviour a minefield. Managing DC's behaviour with a baby on a one to one basis can be hard enough some days, throw in more children and I find it all very stressful! So I will intervene on my DC's behalf if I see anything (hitting, snatching etc) - she does assert herself fairly well I'd say but because she's so little for her age she tends to just get bulldozed by others anyway, and I struggle to know how to deal with that really. So for example in a public play area recently a boy snatched toys from DC (so toys are public, not anyone's property), I gently said 'no, this little girl was playing with this, can she have it back please and you wait your turn?' and the boy just yelled 'no!!' over and over! I had no idea how to handle that, his mother was nowhere to be seen, so after repeating the request a number of times, I just said to DC, 'oh well, this little boy doesn't know how to share, what a shame, let's find something else to play with' and Ofcourse she was outraged and didn't want to play with anything else - I just didn't know how else to handle it at the time (short of snatching the toy back from the boy?!)

I think you need to be assertive and use surprise. Just be cheerful and grab it back and say brightly 'sorry, you can have a turn in a minute'. Then make sure your DD knows she must hand it on after a reasonable time.

I would also wait until school, then have the first play dates with mums invited too, to get to know them and also ease you into it.

Parents whose children have older siblings will be more willing to send their DCs unaccompanied, but that's much easier at school age once most of them are reliably toilet-trained.

Preschooler play dates are asking for trouble, sorry, I would avoid them. And you invest the effort and time for what, if your DC doesn't end up going to school with the child in question anyway?

I second only having one child round at a time, anything else is far too stressful. Also check what toys you have out to play with, for example a box of small cars can easily be played with together while one ride-on toy that they have to take turns with is bound to lead to trouble and is best put away. And you may need to lower your expectations, any typical visit will result in a least one tantrum from each child and one joint 'falling out', it doesn't make you a failure as a hostess.

Try not to worry too much about your Dd not being assertive. Mine was the shyest, most introverted child you could imagine but totally came out of herself at school and is now really sociable and confident. I do understand how you feel about play dates. I'm very extroverted but found them quite stressful too.

Don't worry too much. Me and my DH are introverts but things like this don't always mean your children will be. MIL is an extreme extrovert. DH childhood is an extremely busy household with friends over all the time. Even now at nearly 70 MIL has friends over or is going out every day. All it lead to is DH hating a very busy home. He said he grew up wanting to have his own space as he never had much.

It might be easier as I work FT. But I will do play dates only if DD asks her special friend over on her own.

(My dad is an extrovert with lots of friends and going out too but my mum is an introvert. I also grow up with lots of dad's friends children. But not the extreme of DH).

Thanks all that's really helpful - Delphiniumsblue I'd love to approach it like that, but what I suppose I'd worry that said child would howl to his Mum that I stole the toy from him, but I think you're right, a more assertive approach like that is needed. I need to gird my loins for her sake!

Delphine has it! I had to do the cheerful grab when my DDs scooter was appropriated on the playground by a little boy who looked about 4....I explained "Oh this is DDs scooter and we're about to go now so you can't really have a go I'm sorry"

But he screamed at me.

Then I just took it and said "Oh never mind....maybe next time?" and as we were leaving his mother came hurrying over looking and said "He's only TWO!"

He really did look about 4 and was tall and well developed...must have been almost 3.

I said I was sorry I'd upset him but we had to go and she was nice then and said "Oh he's too little for scooters anyway."

It's a bloody minefield!

I too hated this situation and remember being stuck with a child my DD really was quite afraid of, when she was about 3 years old. The Mum kept pushing them together and I felt pressurised into spending time with them, it was horrible. No real advice to give but it does get easier if you just take a step back and let them make their own friends when they're at school Before the age of 4 they're really too small to play "together", they play more "alongside" each other at that age.

You get the element of surprise-they are so shocked they don't really understand what happened! No good if you are slow and have a tussle and give them time to think. With the quick grab it is back where it should be and they have been promised a turn so they are not missing out.

I'm convinced, I'm gonna give this shock tactic a go! I think my problem was I didn't know how to handle it as it was public property, I'm more assertive with DC's stuff in a public space (eg if she takes her teddy to playgroup and someone tries to snatch, I take it back and say 'no sorry this is DC's special toy from home'). But it does seem that the general consensus is she's too young for play dates at home, a public space is better for pre-schoolers, which is what my gut feeling tells me, it just seems to be so out of step in my circle :(

I know where you are coming from. I'm a real chatty 'people person' (cringe) and i find play dates overwhelming sometimes. To couteract i avoid the gathering where everyone is going and go when there is maximum four mums and kids. They interact but it's not too hectic. Good luck it'll all work out, they never had playdates when we were kids and i think it didn't do us any harm xxx