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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

be peed off with my mum and sister?

16 replies

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 29/08/2014 11:50

They are always complaining that they never see us and that its only when childcare needed that I go there. Not completely true, I work full time, kids have activities on weekends and I do ring to see if they are in and if they want to do anything but constantly told they are busy already.

I'm on holiday and my sister rang to ask if I want to go to a craft fair on Saturday or sunday, I said I cant do Saturday as land early hours of Saturday morning and no doubt will be tired and the dc tired and want to nap, but can definitely do sunday.

just got a text from her, x and y want to go Saturday so we're going then! x and y are my godmother and her daughter, who my mum and sister see all the time, my mum will be looking after the daughters baby when she goes back to work for free, whereas she charges me £125 a week!

AIBU to be feeling pissed off and put out that I make all the effort and its never returned and quite often thrown back in my face. (I booked afternoon tea as a surprise for next week to say thank you to my mum to be told she can't go as shes already doing 'something')

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 29/08/2014 11:52

Keep a record of all the times you invite them somewhere and the next time they complain show it to them?

How is she justifying charging you and not your sister for childcare?

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 29/08/2014 11:58

She just denies it when I bring up the occasions I've asked to arrange something.

Its not even my sister shes not charging, is her best friends (my godmother) daughter, so no blood relation or real family connection at all. Apparently they can't afford to pay, well neither could I really, but £125 a week for 2 dc was cheaper than playscheme and I thought would be nice for the dc to spend time with their nan. (shes a young nan by the way, younger than 60, but don't want to give any details that might out me)

OP posts:

diddl · 29/08/2014 12:00

Ask your mum if she wants to go to the craft fair with you??

Find different childcare?

Explain that you work full time & kids are busy at the weekend so when do they suggest that you all meet up?

saoirse31 · 29/08/2014 12:01

You're getting v cheap child care. Are you sure your mother is happy to continue providing it? Sounds to me as if maybe she's had enough.

diddl · 29/08/2014 12:06

So she's looking after your two & taking on a baby??

did you ever tell her that you can't afford what she charges?

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 29/08/2014 12:11

should have said my dc are 12 and 8 so its only two days a week in the holidays and most of the long summer holidays I am off and we are away. so its never full weeks. I have an arrangement with work to work from home 3 days a week and in the office 2 days during school holidays.

I am going to speak to my boss and see if I can arrange something different as its really only my 8 year old that needs looking after, as the 12yr old is often at a mates house or out with friends family which I always arrange as one of the days he would be at my mums as I know she isn't keen on having him there as she says hes difficult to entertain! He doesn't need entertaining leave him in the office or games room and he'll be fine. Next summer he will be old enough to stay home as he'll be 13 and half and I work 10-3

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 29/08/2014 12:17

I did suggest that as they were older and she does complain that they make her tired (how is she going to cope with an increasingly mobile 12month old??) that I use a playscheme and she completely went off on one, about how ungrateful I was and that the dc obviously didn't want o see her.

There is a long history there, so its not all as black and white as it would seem. I have tried to remain in contact with my mum as shes my mum, but she makes it very hard. Nothing has ever been good enough.

I can ford the childcare in respect that it doesn't make me short on bills/rent etc but does mean that lifestyle wise we cut back the weeks they go there.

OP posts:

Surfsup1 · 29/08/2014 12:26

An Au Pair might be cheaper if you have any spare room?

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 29/08/2014 12:36

I don't have room for an au pair, only have three bedrooms. That's something else I get criticised for as she says now the dc are older they should have their own rooms (older ds is at college, so both boys share). She lives in a large 6 bed detached house and sees my rented 3 bed semi as sign of my h failing to provide for us and that I go out to work.

OP posts:

Surfsup1 · 29/08/2014 12:38

Wow - she really does sound charming!
Hmmm, is there some other arrangement you could dream up?
Got any friends with extra space? You could share an Au Pair?

diddl · 29/08/2014 12:54

If you want to use a playscheme then do1

It's not her decision & you mustn't get guilted into not doing what is best for them-and you!

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 29/08/2014 13:00

I will be investigating alternatives for the future school holidays. My friend works in a school and has holidays off and has offered to have dd on the days I work, but I feel that that's an imposition and wouldn't want to sour our relationship. Both dd's are good friends, same class at school and go to many of the same after school activities, play together while their brothers are on the rugby pitch etc.

I'm pretty sure I could get my boss to agree to me working from home full time in the holidays and arrange meetings with my staff when dd is at an activity. They are only catch ups and target discussions and my phone is always on even on holiday for them to ring if they have a problem.

OP posts:

Noodledoodledoo · 29/08/2014 13:20

Completely get the trying to make arrangements and they are always busy and then being accused of not making the effort. We have the same with MIL and SIL!

They do things together every single weekend - we get criticised for not going to visit them and being too busy but whenever we suggest a time to visit or various weekends we can do none are good enough!

We have given up trying to be honest!

maddy68 · 29/08/2014 13:25

Tbf. They asked you to go on the Saturday, you said you would be too tired, Saturday is obviously more convenient for them.

I'm not getting the problem

The other issue is the child care. Have you asked her why you pay and they don't? It should be the same for you both

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 29/08/2014 13:43

they asked Saturday or sunday, if sunday was inconvenient why offer it? or why not say to the friend that they would go with me and dd instead? I'd have hoped that we ranked higher than a friend and her daughter.

Yes I did ask, but was told that it really was none of my business and that I should not interfere, that's the way it is.

Spoken to H and he is going to arrange to work from home on the 2 days that I have to go into the office a week in future, so need to rely on or pay anyone for childcare from now on. I already know that that is going to cause my mum to have a huge rant when I let her know.

OP posts:

thicketofstars · 29/08/2014 14:12

Both of those situations sound really hurtful. I'd be gutted if I were you, but I don't think you're going to change your mum at this point. She sounds like a difficult woman. Poor you. To give yourself closure on this, it might help to write her a little card saying how those two issues have made you feel sad and angry, but that you'd like to sort it out. I wouldn't think it will be met with a positive response but at least you'll have done everything you could do. Hopefully the replies here have helped you to feel that it's not you. My mum is a little like this too...it's tough.

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