To feel a bit used

[glittertree]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit used by my sister ? I love her dearly but this week I have just come to feel a bit used by her ? ...
We often go out for lunch and nearly every single time I pay I know no one makes me do this but I somehow feel obliged because she and her partner earn less money than us and she is always saying that she is skint ...
She often makes remarks about what I have and what we do and then says they can't afford to do that ...
We are by no means rich but she is not poor either if you know what I mean
They are a bit reckless with their money for example perhaps they would choose not to pay rent and spend it on something else then fall behind ...
They have been bailed out time and time again by family ...
So anyway to cut a long story short I feel like I should pay because I feel guilty ...it's things like that along with my car my petrol being used all the time ...always forgetting things like my kids birthdays and if I ever did the same she would be so pissed off with me...
I've payed for spa days to cheer her up
Give her kids spending money for holidays
Pay for so many things along with everyone else because I feel so bad if I don't
The kids often come here and I babysit for her but never get her offering to do it back ...now the kids expect money off me all the time too ..
I just suddenly felt a bit used this week am I being mean ...I don't do these things for a reward its just i am starting to feel a bit resentful I know I shouldn't....

I am in the exact position with but with my friend which I know is probably not as hard a situation your in

I've made comments about having to watch my money as things are tight at the moment (which is not true) but it means we arrange things like picnics in the park and trips to the seaside instead of lunches and trips to the ball pit etc

Ok yes it's a bit naughty lying to my friend but it makes it easier about not being able to pay for her and her dcs (whom I love) all the time

I do still occasionally pay because although they're money problems are partly their own mistakes (very similar to not paying rent when they should) I do still value their friendship and it's a nice thing to do but it's not every week like it was and so I don't feel as resentful as I have done

Ask her to babysit then! DOn't just suffer in silence.

I have asked her to babysit but she always seems to be busy ..

Hi op

I've had a friend like this, ' and I found that she had a very long brass neck and an incredibly thick skin, to be honest this women nearly gave me a breakdown, yeah I know right.

I think you have to play hard ball, and if she pulls you on it act as if you don't know what she is talking about, because I imagine she would say that to you and others. People like this get away with this crap because people like you and yours let her. Your polar opposites you have to reign this is for your own sanity, and start only putting down your share and cutting off the money stream.

I think your right ...I feel mean but it worries me now especially since the children have started to expect the same ..

This sounds like something which has built up gradually over time and you can overcome it in exactly the same way. You're going to have to start being firmer and learn how to say no, but you don't have to stop doing everything at once if you think you'd find that too difficult.

Start being busy when she asks to babysit, stop giving her and her kids unnecessary treats/money, suggest if she's low on cash you should have lunch at home or wait until she has some or can find a money off voucher, etc. After a while your new attitude will become just as expected as your current!

Alternatively, if you're feeling up to it, have it all out with her. Explain how you're feeling and how it upsets you that she doesn't remember your DCs birthdays and how you always end up paying for lunch. It might make you feel better to have it all out in the open.

I think YABU. She isnt holding a gun to your head to do these things. You do it because you are kind hearted, but there is only so far, particularly if its one sided as you think it is.

I would start being a bit meaner. "Forget" you purse on occasion. Tell her your child is coming round to collect her birthday present. Forget her childs birthday. Dont give her kids any spending money. Dont babysit. She will take advantage if she can, she obviously doesnt think twice. So I would make her think twice and stop enabling her.

I know zippey no one is holding a gun against my head which is why I feel a bit stupid ...it's kind of just built up and I have realised that I am feeling resentful ...as for sending my kids around for their present she always makes it clear she hasn't bought one ....or she says she has forgot but will get one but never does ..it's been like that for years and I suppose its my fault so I really shouldn't moan about it

But it's your sister, why can't you be honest with her? Don't play games but simply tell her: "I always seem to be paying for lunch, it's your turn now". Or "Babysit your kids? I have done it so many times and remember, last time I asked, you turned me down. So when will you babysit mine?"

glittertree - I don't think you are U. I have had the same issue with my DSis and I'm afraid I've just distanced myself. When her DC were small I didn't have DC and would take them out / help out / feed them when they came over (which was often conveniently at meal times). Then when DS1 was small I would collect them from school sometimes and have them in the holidays to help my DSis out.

I didn't do it for the reciprocal help, but mine are now of an age when sometimes I could do with help - the notable one was when I had to take DS1 to hospital for an operation and it wasn't convenient for her to have DS2 because they were going on a 'cycle ride' so my mother drove the 100 miles to help. Only last week we happened to drop in before lunch, but weren't offered anything!

I've given up and now don't ask and don't expect anything. I find it very sad, and I know that our mother is upset, but I decided that it was better not to feel resentful.

It's very difficult - you do it to help but it's horrid being taken advantage of.

I don't have it out with her because she has a bit of a temper and I know that she would end up shouting and not listening to how I feel and then would huff and not speak to me ...I've just started to feel a bit annoyed recently which isn't like me ...looking at all the comments here I think the best thing to do is slowly withdraw a bit with money etc....I don't want to feel mean bitter and resentful ..

I would say you can't forget the kids birthdays, it's not fair on them, however, stop giving them money, unless its for birthdays / Christmas. Don't offer to babysit. Start going out for picnics instead of lunches, or say, would love to meet for lunch but money a bit tight right now so won't be able to get yours.

She is doing this stuff because you are letting her. There doesn't need to be a huge fall out over it, just stop doing it.

As everyone is saying, scale it back little by little.

I'm not one for having things out with people either, totally understand where you are coming from there.

Give the kids smaller token gifts for their birthdays, because I know you are not one to forget on purpose.

Give them a packet of Smarties instead of cash! If they are rude about his just giggle and say "Auntie doesn't have anything in her purse today cheeky! if you don't want those Smarties, I'll have them, yum yum!!" Just laugh if confronted with sulky faces!

Babysitting? Just be "busy" 9 times out of 10, or even 10 times out of 10!

See your sister, before lunch time, or after lunch time. Identify the moments when your purse has to come out and avoid these times.