WIBU To confront BIL?

[CuppaSarah]

Sorry if this is long, but I don't want to drip feed. I'm terrible at writing stuff like this so apologies.

Bit of background: SIL and BIL have a DS who is a bit younger than my DD, we're their only local family apart from BILs parents who are very hands off. They've been struggling since their DS came along and have faced a lot of really hard times. We've tried our best to offer support and help, but things are getting to a critical point with BILS selfish attitude and I don't think I can sit on my hands for the sake of keeping the peace anymore. So tomorrow when I pick up my DN for the day I need to decide if I confront him or not?

This seemed to start at Christmas. A month or so before BIL lost his job by making a very silly decision, which involved another colleague loosing their job too. We were all at my PILS for Christmas and at one point when it was just me and him he told me he wished he could undo having his son, that he loved being unemployed and was only pretending to look for work, he stayed up all night and his favorite part of the day was when SIL and DN got up so he could go sleep all day. I was too stunned to reply and made my excuses and left. Since it was Christmas I tried to ignore it to keep the peace and assumed he was probably feeling down and didn't mean it. But he's said more things to this effect since and pretty much every time I see him. He says it as if he's proud of the fact he's only pretending to look for work. He has what I can only describe as a kind of smug, how cool and 'how rebellious am I?' grin on his face.

SIL shortly after lost her job and money was very tight. They had to borrow a lot of money from the PILs just to keep a roof over their head, but all the while BIL was buying himself takeaways and any games he wanted. SIL started to cut herself off from all her friends and their flat became an utter disgusting tip. So it was obvious things weren't good, yet every offer of help and any attempt to make social plans were ignored.

SIL found a full time job and he became a SAHD. We figured things would start improving for them. Except SIL pays for all food and bills and everything for DN. She cooks every meal and the flat is still an absolute tip, it's disgusting and dangerous. I've tried tidying it with BIL but a few weeks later it's a shit hole again. Apparently it's not his fault the places is messy, it's all SILs, since she does the cooking, cleaning the dishes and kitchen is her job. She has more clothes so the laundry should be down to her etc. Basically in his eye he only has to keep his computer desk tidy(which he doesn't) as that's all he uses. With the sheer amount of rubbish and dirty dishes I do not think one person could create that. From what he's said BIL never takes DN out, instead he leaves him in his playpen watching music videos while he plays on his computer pretty much all day every day. Since the play pen is the only part of the flat that's safe for DN to be in. On facebook he just posted a picture of his newest expensive gadget, yet they're still having to borrow money from PILs to cover basic costs.

Obviously things are really not right with them, they've both admitted to having relationship problems, but every time I try to talk to them they act like it's all sorted and things are going to get back on tracks now. if I leave them to it nothing changes either. The only thing I haven't tried is telling him my real opinion, but I know that if I do that it could cause SIL to totally cut me off. My PILs are stumped as to what to do. If it were just the two of them I'd leave them be, but DN deserves a home he can walk round in. He deserves more time outside.

I do know I'm being a nosy cow and it's their business not mine. I also know I have no idea what really goes on in their lives when their doors shut. But the bits I can see are worrying me and I don't want to do nothing. I'm really sorry for hoe poorly this is written and how much I'm jumping about, it's really hard to get all my thoughts down clearly.

WIBU to confront him, or should I keep quiet and wait till they're ready to except support? Or am I BU to worry so much about it? I'm totally open to your opinions.

Reading this I realize how totally nosy I come across. I am not constantly judging and looking at them with a critical eye. I've actually been the opposite, giving them the benefit of the doubt and not thinking too much of things, just leaving them to it really. But over the last few months things have really started to seem bad which is why I've started taking a bit more notice.

i doubt either of them will take a blind bit of notice if you confront or try to talk to them about it. you might find yourself cut off from them. you could help dn by reporting them to social services, maybe the shock of getting a letter/call/visit from them will make them see sense? don't worry, social services won't take your dn away, they'll probably give the parents a plan to work towards and then check up on them.

i've done this before and i would do it again if needs be. an adult can fuck their lives up and live in a shit hole all they like but no child deserves that.

I've actually been considering contacting social services for a long time, but every time it gets bad enough I think I need to. Something happens that makes it seem that they're about to get back on track again. DN is always well fed and clean, but there's so many other issues.

You don't sound mosey, and the post was well explained.

I'd say there are a couple of things here. Firstly, the relationship between you, the BIL, SIL and PIL. I think I would stay out of this. Is it your husbands brother/sister? If so, your DH could have a word with PIL and let them know the gadgets their generosity is buying and discourage them from giving them money. Perhaps you can give your SIL support, eg maybe direct her to mumsnet which I think it's a tremendous tool for people in dysfunctional relationships.

Your opinion of him is not going to matter to him neither will it change his ways. So I would stay out personally. If you do confront him, prepare for a falling out.

The welfare of their child is a more serious matter, in this respect if you have real concerns, I would consider contacting social services for advice. He sounds neglected from basic care and hygiene. The poor child deserves better.

I'd confront him. Tell him it is his job to run the house. That includes cooking, washing up, laundry, food shopping and cleaning. That his DS deserves to have a clean house and be taken outside each day.

I think I would bypass bil and go to sil and tell her she can do better. I don't know much about it but she may also be better off financially too with tax credits etc. Perhaps start an open ended conversation with her and see if she is thinking about leaving.

To make it clearer. SIL is DPS sister, BIL is her DP. PILS are DP and SILS parents. Myself and PILs are very close but even so I'm very careful about what I tell them, they don't know the horrible things he says. They were the ones who told me about all the gadgets so at least they know. I only tend to confirm their suspicions if they mention something. I don't want to stir the pot, but at the same time I think they need to have some idea of their daughter and grandsons living conditions.

I've directed SIL here before, along with all the other things I've tried to do. I don't think she wants support, since that means admitting things aren't ok. I'm happy to wait till she's ready, but I'm also scared of her cutting me out like she has done with her friends. I think I need to contact social services and not confront BIL or anyone else. Then continue with our arrangement of me minding DN once a week and waiting till they want help.

i can empathise, it's never easy making that decision and then following through - well it wasn't for me. i was scared in case SS decided to take the children away and it caused them more harm. the children in that case were also being fed, cleaned and clothed but the house was an absolute shit tip - you could smell the stench from outside even when their windows were shut. i rang Childline for advice and clarification first and after speaking to them my mind was made up.

you see, even though he's fed and clean etc, the actual lack of cleanliness and hygeine in the house IS going to affect him eventually if it isn't already. i'm talking about things like skin problems, breathing problems, head lice, vermin infestation, embarrassment when he goes to other people's houses or he has visitors at his etc, because no matter how clean your clothes are if they have been stored in a smelly environment they will 'carry' that smell, and as a child you always compare yourself with others. as he grows older this will have a domino effect on his self esteem and mental health and he might grow up believing living like that is acceptable because nobody has shown him otherwise.

also, he will no doubt be picking up on the dysfunctional relationship his parents have and that will affect him too.

speak to someone professional if you have any worries but then make sure you do something about it - you might be the only person who speaks up on his behalf.

Thank you twizzleship I've been going over all this in my head for months, hoping it would get better for them all. The amount of food in the rubbish that had just been dropped on the floor and left to rot was just disgusting. I can't believe I've not seen right sooner and done something earlier I keep hoping every time BIL opens the door it'll be somewhat tidy and clean. But it never is.

What does your dp think of the situation his sister is in. I think you need to target supporting her rather than confronting BIL.

It's up to PIL if they give them money. What do they think of their living conditions?

DP says he's so used to her making poor choices and ignoring advice he doesn't want to talk to her about it. he does however worry a lot about DN.

My PILs are really worried, but they say the same as DP. But I don't think someone being very stubborn and headstrong means you should leave them on their own. I'm just clueless on how I can help her after every attempt is shot down. I don't know much about dysfunctional relationships either.

I think if anyone says anything it should be your DP to his sister. He needs to have a really serious talk with her.

PILs live 4 hours away so can't give hands on help. I don't work and have him once a week. I could up it to two days though which hadn't actually crossed my mind!

bringbacksideburns I'm probably closer to her than DP is, though MIL might be a good person to talk to her. They were very close until recently as SIL has dropped most contact. I'll speak to MIL about it in the morning.